AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

He does the low paid, less stressful job because you enable him to do so. I would be livid in your shoes too. A nanny/au pair may be the way forward?

Congrats on your promotion - it’s wonderful that years of dedication and hard work have been recognised by your team and managers at least. You have to seize this opportunity now as another is unlikely to crop up once you’ve declined it. In fact, your long term security at the same company might be put at risk if you do not take it - and then where would your DH be if he suddenly became the sole breadwinner? He needs to grow up, frankly and recognise the privilege of his position.

When does anyone ever paw [?] over the impact a man's career has on family life the way they have here because you are a woman? I think this is a MN thing. There is a constant theme that all women should work but now it seems not too much. Women should do all they can to earn money and progress in a career except when it might mean adjustments in the home and god forbid displease the husband and mean he has to increase his responsibilities even in the smallest way. I'm not sure what pay increase would compensate for any domestic changes, but £40k would be enough for me. But it isn't just about the extra money. This promotion, any promotion, is a step towards better jobs and better pay. Ignore those posts the way they are ignoring what an easy ride your husband has had and how little extra he is going to have to do should you have the audacity to strive towards your full potential.

Therefore the promotion is irrelevant (save for the fact that it has opened your eyes) - your problem is that the two of you are not equals in your family/marriage. Do you want to fix that, or would you be better off without him?

Yeah...no. You have every right to be fuming. I would be very disappointed in him.

Take the promotion!

This. He doesn’t contribute, he doesn’t get to dictate terms.

And tbh with that kindness salary increase, you'll be able to find really good paid help that won't give you his moaning and will instead offer enthusiastic support. Pay well, hire the right person, and you and your kids will have fantastic support built in for the primary years when they need it the most. Far better a supportive nanny than a husband thst drags his feet.

Congratulations, you earned that! He doesn’t get to unilaterally say no, it’s not his career. I think you need to be honest him about how relaxed he’s been able to be until now because of your efforts with both work and childcare. He’s had his time and you deserve yours.

Congratulations 🎉
Go for it!
Before you say yes, can you sit down with a plan of how it would work in writing/drawn out, so he can actually see it. Then ask him what his real concern is. Is the fact you earn so much more than him the actual issue?

Get a nanny. That’s how we manage to both do our big jobs.

I wish this one was the first response. It nails it.

Firstly @Bigjob1234 congratulations! What an incredible achievement! You are absolutely right in that for men it is fine to be away for a couple (or more) days/nights a week for work but for women it is absolutely looked down on. Which is ridiculous.

Different situation but my mum worked shifts when I was younger and therefore wasn’t around constantly. My sister and I don’t remember it like that, we remember how lucky we were and now we are both so proud of her for what she did. It has inspired both of us and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Congratulations again!!

Well congratulations OP, that's a stellar salary and you must be very good at your role.

I've got a friend in a situation similar to yours.
For the life of me I can't understand how she can be so utterly confident, clever and assertive at her very difficult work role, but be married to such a useless, selfish lump.
Her DH works in "wildlife conservation" which sounds very worthy, but in reality he does bugger all except for a spot of birdwatching which is also his hobby.
Friends earnings pay for everything and like you she is doing all the heavy child related stuff too.

Personally, I'd be reassessing exactly what he brings to the relationship and working out whether he is worth the effort.

Absolutely take the job. Hire a live in nanny when you’re not at home. Opportunities like this are incredible so I hope you seize it adhd enjoy the challenge. Your children would benefit from seeing how you get things done.

I’d be very disappointed with a husband who has a problem with this…I hope he’s incredible in other ways!

Firstly, huge congratulations!
Secondly, you’re facing HUGE double standards here from some people. If you were a man, people would be telling the woman to go part time, or stay at home with the kids if the money doesn’t matter.

Ofc you can leave your home 2 nights per week for work - this isn’t a cross country relocation. Perhaps what DH really objects is having to step up and parent his children in a more complete way.

(Very different, but also similar) My mum worked evenings growing up, which meant as soon as Dad was home from work they swapped and Dad sorted dinner, bath, bed etc. It’s was totally my normal as a child. I actually benefitted from it. My dad & I have a fantastic relationship and I used to enjoy spending quality time with him, and I’m sure it’s because we had so much time just the two of us.

Congratulations! You should definitely go for it. Sounds like you do everything anyway so this is no different. Use your extra salary to pay for the help you need and I would also seriously consider your options regarding your marriage. I think a PP said it already, your DH sounds like one of those men who still imagines he is some sort of 1950s man of the house and that he gets some say in your career and how the houshold is run while doing absolutely F all to contribute.

Take the join! Childcare can be sorted, even if you have to get a nanny.

I would also be upset with my husband in your position. He can't have it all - get to live the nice lifestyle afforded by your salary, have the vocational low paying hobby job, be unavailable for the majority of home responsibility and not have to provide any support or childcare to your career.

I’m with the pp who say you can throw some money at the admin side of things. You could get a nanny/housekeeper sort kids stuff and house stuff too, even make meals, do washing etc. it’s a massive cost but as you say, you don’t need the money as such, it’s an investment for the future. So throw some of that money at the problem - that sorts the immediate logistical issue. Had a friend do that, they were both high earning lawyers, they had a nanny for their kids which became a hybrid role when kids went to school. She remains a firm close family friend now the kids are adults. Get the right person and they become part of your family.

then the husband. If he is normally a decent guy, then think rationally rather than emotionally. He does a low paying ion which has meaning, which suggests he is a moral person and not a twat. Sit down and have an adult conversation, calmly, and say to him what you’ve said here: you feel his role is prioritised, this job is future proofing that decision to do a low paid role, you feel personally disappointed in his reaction. Say it the right way, and any decent person will respond appropriately.

people don’t like change. My husband is fabulous in almost all ways but when I chose to move from a high paid profession to retrain in a lower paid but socially important role, his reaction was lukewarm. I was so hurt. Ended up having an adult chat where I came to understand his worries (extra pressure on him doing an already heavy hours job) and he understood my need to do a role which had meaning. We moved on, and are now in the groove. Communication is key.

OP, I am concerned, what does your husband do, if he won't clean, do gardening or childcare or earn much?

Did you discuss the role before applying?

My DH is the breadwinner. I don't work at all at the moment (though I'm planning what I want to do when both children are at school). I would still be really unhappy if he applied for a promotion that would include more time away without discussing it with me. Anything that affects the family should be a joint decision.

I'd always support him if he spoke to me about it first (unless it was something that involved working away for months). But I could imagine reacting like your husband if he told me after the fact.

He may have not congratulated you as he’s come to expect this from you now - he takes it at face value that you’re a high achiever, high earner, ultra successful etc. He values having you home every evening and thinks that’s worth more than money.

Sit down and explain how it’s about more than money for you and you want him to show he’s proud of your achievement. Explain the benefits such as your future prospects if you take the job. And how It’ll be a good bonding experience for him to spend two nights alone with the kids.

Many many congratulations! This is such an impressive achievement, I am sorry he has totally failed to recognise that.

Two things strike me - this is not really about the promotion or the money. He doesn't really contribute in any significant way to family life - neither in terms of parenting, money or household jobs. He then has strong resitance to change and is totally unable to think about you in terms of anything but how your choices impact on his life and preferences. That is actually wild and no kind of partnership.

Secondly he has no long term vision or imagination. That kind of money will benefit him in all sorts of ways - holidays and house improvements in the short term, security and all the benefits of wealth in the long term. He is not even doing the bare minimum as a parent or partner.

I also presume that you will do all the set up to make the two days work for the kids and therefore him. He gets to do so shockingly little already.

If you don't take it will it be a significant curb on future progress? I can't imagine your bosses being delighted. Might it cause reputational damage too? How would you actually feel if you don't take it?

Sometimes jobs are not right for families what ever the financial benefit - shift patterns, re-location, additional caring responsibilities, huge amounts of absence from the home etc. Sometimes there is no real choice and people just need the money. Neither of these are true for you, but he has provided no real case for you not to take it.

Please take the job. And I guess when you have the energy, after sorting out your life so it works for him (again) you need to tackle what his contribution actually is to your family, relationship and life.

Your situation is nothing like OPs, shes the breadwinner AND does the childcare, all so he can stay in a nice easy low paying office job he enjoys.

Are some women really this horrified by a man being expected to put himself out a bit for his wife?

Exactly. If my DH had taken his offered massive salary job, I think I'd have left the marriage. It would tell me all I need to know about his priorities and disregard of me. Money isn't everything.

30 years ago when i was raising my children my then Husband was on 25k . He was military so on call 24/7 365 days a year, and when he went away it was to war zones. He didn't go for days he went for months (9 months) was the longest. I backed him 100% and yes it was a long term option.

Honestly get a full time nanny who can be flexible with hours and then you can have someone who can help with bedtimes etc when you are not around.
I would 100pc take this job and figure out how to make it work. Eg if you wfh two days then you can offer shorter days to nanny on those days for longer on a couple of others. This is all very doable OP