AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

There's more to life than money. My DH was offered a job where he'd have earned 400K. The exchange for that was basically being married to the job and on call 24/7/365 and sent away regularly at a whim. I told him if he really wanted to do it for a time to meet a goal we could talk about it, but he would effectively be married to the job rather than me. Not a long term option.

The kicker being, if he'd taken that job and I'd decided to nope it out of there, the 50/50 would have helped me immensely and he wouldn't have been able to do his fancy job.

Of course he should have congratulated you.

However, I really think that decisions which have an impact on family life shouldn't be taken unilaterally. A discussion should have taken place on what it means in reality, whether the negatives are outweighed by the positives and what measures can be implemented to offset the additional strain on everybody.

That said, when you have one person who prioritises family life and another who prioritises career there's generally going to be upset as you both can't have your way.

In quite a lot of families in London a 70K earner would be the lower earner and they would be leading on childcare and the home while trying to balance their career with the demands of family life.

Take the job, tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live and that he can live on his own salary while also providing 50/50 childcare and enjoy your new job and new life!!

Your children won’t be young forever, but you may have to live with the impact of turning down a fantastic opportunity forever. Grasp the opportunity, hire extra help if necessary, and bloody well done!

Absolutely take the job! Congratulations!

This. But I wouldn’t expect your marriage to last as he will resent you, do less and less. It’s a great role and opportunity but without a supportive partner it’s going to be VERY hard. Two at school means a lot of mental load. And you are only just at the start of all the work of having kids at school.

nanny and housekeeper on that salary and tell him to up his game. Or get out.

im sorry to be negative but I can see down the road here (and I am down the road having been similar to you when my kids were small).

I think people are focusing on the salary uplift and not the career progression, this job could put you in the position of being able to retire early. Although he might resent that too.

Do it, OP! I assume you’re still reasonably young given your children’s age and therefore, as you rightly say, this can and should be a stepping stone to even better things. Childcare logistics are always tricky but why should you forego this opportunity for yourself, your family and for setting a great example to your children - no man would. And you can always get a part-time nanny or childminder to smooth things out. Well done and good luck!!

Congratulations. Do take the job, your husband will come round and get used to it.

Why does he think he can tell you that your wants, needs & ambition are less important than his? Your high earnings allow him to happily cruise along in the job he loves. A bit of perspective & flexibility on his part is long overdue here.

Congratulations. Make it work & enjoy the promotion.

I don’t think he’s prioritising family life though - he’s prioritising his own convenience. If he was all about the family, he would find a more flexible and/or higher-paying job. As it is, he contributes little financially or in caring terms as he’s in the office five days a week in a low-paying field and leaves both the financial and administrative/logistical burden to OP. It seems to me that this is what he’s resenting.

I subscribe somewhat to the maxim "mo' money, mo' problems", and would definitely be asking my husband not to take such a job (nor would I take one myself). However, it sounds like you've been shouldering more work so that your husband can have a joyride in a job he loves, so it does seem fair enough for you to get to choose something for yourself this time.

I think people are missing the fact that his job is currently the inconvenient one! He has to be on site all day and it's pays very little but I have supported him to continue because he loves it - picking up the slack so we can still have a nice lifestyle. I posted this thread early as I was up getting stuff ready for my children before a full day of work. He lies in bed, wakes up, drinks coffee and leaves. This is not a typical scenario reversed of wife giving up career to serve her husbands ambition.

She’s answered that. It sounds like she’s expecting him to step up to do… less than half the parenting load. He will do solo bedtimes max twice a week and solo mornings max twice a week WITH her new job. Right now it sounds like the household and parenting tasks he owns as opposed to turns up and helps with sometimes is somewhere near fuck all. I’m sure he’s very concerned about the idea of having to chip in at home.

You say it will open doors, will those roles be more or less intense and flexible? More or less well paid?

I think you need to have a big discussion with your husband about where this is going. And maybe say give yourselves a fixed timeline to try this, eg two years.

But he definitely should have at least congratulated you.

Well done on your new job.

Opening post would never be written by a man.

The way the economy is now and will be for the forseeable, there is no point at which any family has enough money to stop looking for more. If you don't need that extra money right now, your kids will need it for university fees (as loans are now no longer viable) and house deposits. Save it.

Have you discussed the long term benefits for your family of the new job?

I'm assuming with another 40k a year you'd be considering things like savings for the kids, pension pots, etc. Do you already have a cleaner? Could you afford a regular babysitter for a set date night for you both? Could you go away more often as a family? Etc etc .

I think you should take the job regardless.

Being in charge of bedtimes/mornings twice a week really isn't a huge ask for someone with a low paying job they love.

He can get up and help the next morning, wake him, remind him he’s a dad and you have a job and he needs to start contributing, and you can point out your done supporting him to have a job he loves and is really inconvenient for the family, it’s time for him to support you to have a job you love and is not as totally convenient for the family. I’m angry for you that you’ve put up with this disrespect.

I think you should go for it, it isn’t like you are going to be absent for the whole week. Neither DH or I are as senior as you but we both have days in the office and jobs involving some travel which means the other is the ‘solo parent’ those days it can be a difficult balance but the children are happy and neither of us feel like we’re having to sacrifice our careers for the other.

Rather than fuming you might try talking to him. I mean, I can quite see why you're wanting to fume but I also have to admit - as the lower earner in my marriage - its hard to cheerlead career progression when its detrimental to the marriage/family/puts more stress and strain on the person you love.

Congratulations, you rock. Take the job. Get a divorce and a live in nanny. Sorted.

Assume good (albeit badly executed) intent?

He thinks you are only taking it for the money and he is trying to reassure you it will be fine without it? OK, I maybe clutching at straws here.... But maybe if he is not the ambitious type he sees this job as "hell" and can only think you would take it for cold hard cash.....and he is not seeing the bigger picture.

If you approach any discussions you have with him about this with this in mind...stupid not malicious.

Try not to let this thread make you start any conversations with a MN fury....try and keep your anger at bay for when/if he is stubborn and it may go better. He may just not be seeing it at all from you view point...but not with malicious intent.

There is literally no point to your marriage. You do everything, you earn a fortune in your own right. What does he bring? Entitlement? A selfish attitude? Fuckity bye to him, excel, enjoy your life and show your children what an excellent role model you are 🥳

This! Seriously what is the point of him?