AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

She said she was flexible for childcare but I didn’t take that to mean she does every single school/nursery run. And to be honest if she does, then even more reason to be talking to him about how it’s going to work because it affects him massively.

Everyone just saying ‘go for it’! Doesn’t he get a say in it? They’re meant to be a team.

Thank you for all the congrats and supportive comments.

When I applied for the role, I didn't think I would get it and also didn't know the full details of salary and travel expectations, as you often don't at this level. This salary is about an 80-90k rise for me so his view is that money is not worth sacrificing our current lifestyle after tax etc. At no point has he considered that I might to take the job for my own ambition and achievement rather than just ease of lifestyle.

I've been the breadwinner for ever - don't think it's an ego thing.

Congratulations and go for it! I had a live in nanny for a few years ( high earner, lone parent) so if he’s unsupportive then you pull that lever!

He said no? Who made him the boss of you? He doesn’t get to dictate what you do.

Having said that, I would think long and hard about whether you want to be away from your kids that much. I wouldn’t have wanted to at that age. Money isn’t everything. But it’s up to you of course, my outlook isn’t right for everyone.

You need to take this job. For him to stay in a low paying role simply for enjoyment is a luxury. He should also be looking for better opportunities

What an arse. So he gets to do a job he loves, but doesn’t support the family financially or practically?
Take the job. If you need to, get a nanny to manage the children. Congratulations, what a fabulous achievement.

How much travel are we talking about? This is relevant to the salary uplift

What does he bring to the table?

It seems very unfair that he gets to do a job that he loves, but you aren't allowed to feel fulfilled by your career too.

Could you ask him to list out the things he think will cause issues and then together you can work out how to solve them (I suspect most of them could be solved by the additional money? As others have said, nanny for childcare etc.)

Is there scope for your husband to reduce his hours in any way (even if he doesnt want to, is it possible?)

Life changes constantly, especially life with children. He has managed to work in a low paid job he loves, without worrying about anything else for long enough because the OP takes on everything else.
He doesn't get to say 'no' just like that and it saddens me that you think thats ok because he is worried his life might change.

Ignore your husband's reaction but I would seriously consider how much time you would be away from your young children.

Travel likely to be 2 days per week, counterbalanced by WFH 2 days, too.

I think we have fallen into the young kids trap of doing everything for convenience and ease so I see his point that this could make the weekly routine feel more difficult. Reality is he would probably end up doing max 2 bedtimes alone each week and 2 mornings alone each week. I would be around the rest of the time.

YANBU, but I would think also personally about how it affects the kids and your headspace and wellbeing and relationship generally in terms (not necessarily in that order) due to additional stress and responsibility.

There are plenty of jobs I could get and could do on paper than could be 20-50% more salary than I earn now, but I wouldn't do them as I know the stress would make me ill, and I would barely see DH or DDs. And my DDs are grown up. When they were younger I worked PT (while still being the higher earner) and still wished I could have spent more time with them and less time working.

That might take most of her salary rise once you factor in a nanny's salary, tax and NI, payroll costs etc

I took a similar job with similar benefits when my youngest was 8. My DH went from main breadwinner and the one out of the house all day to the one who worked flexibly and earned less. He did it with enthusiasm and excitement for me. For the last 5 years it’s succeeded because of him and it’s barely impacted the kids because of him. It’s allowed me to embrace the job with little guilt as a mother. It’s also afforded us a great lifestyle. I will be forever grateful for his reaction.

Your husband is being a dick: he should be able to raise anxieties for sure but first celebrate his pride in you, then ask for a proper chat, listen to your thoughts as well as articulating his, then propose options and mitigations. That’s what a good man would do.

Go for it OP, your children getting the example of a fabulous Mum, who doesn’t sell herself short for the opinion of a man is priceless.

You will resent him enormously if you don’t take it, although he will probably try to sabotage you.

Hi OP. I am very pro ambition so I support you.

My only question is whether you will enjoy this new job. Enjoyment is important! If you do it I think it's really important you enjoy it and want to do it. Your post focuses on the stress and inconvenience. Sure these are side effects and your husband ought to support you when they occur.

But if this (and the money) is all you see in the new role you aren't going to be much fun to live with. If you are thrilled with the opportunity though then 100pc go for it.

Congratulations and bloody well done op! It is really shit of him not to be pleased for you. If he has concerns then of course he should raise them and you discuss together, as a team, how to make it work. He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide and I agree with PPs. If he is going to be a dick about it, take the job and hire in some child care.
But, is he a good, supportive DH in other ways? Does he make you happy? Bring other things to your table? Because, if not, why are you with him?

Are you expecting him to do all the childcare? Will there be a lot of travel away from home involved? What is the downside of taking this position?
Perhaps he’s concerned about these things, perhaps not. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation, looking at the advantages and disadvantages both to yourself and your family. Before anyone chips in - I would say the same to a man in the same position as the OP. In my experience, someone with such a high salaried job is expected to put job first, family second. That’s what they’re being paid for.

Well done OP, what a great step up!
Your DH is an idiot, he should be bursting with pride!
Maybe a reminder to him that he gets to do a job he loves because you work hard at your career and if it means he has to do more at home then so be it, I’m amazed he doesn’t do the majority! what a selfish man.
Accept the job.

Go for it. He’s made his decision about his low paid career. You’ve been fine with it. You make yours. His opinions are only opinions. He isnt in charge of your career decisions.

Will they, or will they be getting an absent mum?

Sit down, work out how much more the salary raise will actually be following tax. If you include a childminder for wraparound care or your Dh can step up to do more, then I think it’s worth it. It’s very poor of him to immediately dismiss a fantastic promotion and your achievement but I can understand him panicking at his life changing. However, his reaction is really disappointing.

I can’t get over the fact he’s not looking at ways to make this happen. What an amazing opportunity for you. Could you do it anyway? Do you have other support if he turns out yo be so self involved that he bails rather than works it out?

Anyway, congratulations! What an amazing thing 😍

I can kind of see your DH's concerns. I once said no to my DH taking a job (though wouldn't have stopped him if he had) because his doing so meant that I would have no options, choices or predictability myself. He wasn't offering anything to balance what it would cost me. It was much higher paying, so met his goals, but would have cost me all of mine. I might as well have been a single mother if he'd taken it as at least I'd have got help with childcare then.

Do you know why your DH has said no? If so, maybe you can talk about how to overcome those concerns?