AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

He is being a fool. You can buy in whatever housekeeping and childcare you will need to make it work. It will be of great benefit in the longer term.

I hate the term breadwinner, it belongs in the past. You need to sit down and have a conversation with him about the support your family needs if you are to take up the role. The people I know who earn that type of money and both parents work use cleaners and reliable childcare. The women I know who earn that type of salary do not flaunt their salary and tell people they earn more than their husbands (we know) and appreciate their DH’s contribution, but I appreciate their DHs may be more equal than your DH in terms of contribution to family life.

Having been the lower, although not insignificant earner with a DH who travelled abroad, sometimes weekly, everything was set up without relying on him day to day, but clearly there were compromises for me in terms of career and other areas of my life.

I think this is the crux of it to be honest. People - husband included - cannot accept a woman leaving her children for a couple of nights per week. Men do it all the time but a mother must always put being in the house above her ambition.

He is BU to decide for you, and to seemingly leave all the flexing to you. It is understandable he has concerns. It will impact life a lot. He should have a proper conversation with you though, and you can work out a solution together.

Take the job. Tell him flat that his job is inconvenient since it doesn’t bring in much and also seems to prevent him from pulling his weight at home and parenting, and if he doesn’t care how much you like your job then you don’t have to care how much he likes his job and you expect him to quit and find something convenient that’s two days a week so he can do much more of the parenting ahd housework he’s been avoiding. Walk off.

I have a hard line about men pulling their weight at home and when they aren’t the main earner and don’t support your career I’d be very very unhappy.

Exactly. This is what would be said if it was the man getting the promotion

So the issue is actually that he will have to parent his own children instead of outsourcing it to you?

Fuck that shit.

It's not about the money, it's about the achievement. I included the salary for context as otherwise you would just get loads of people saying it would have to be loads of money to be worth it etc... and 'loads of money' means different things to different people. I wouldn't sit at a dinner party and detail precisely how much more than DH I earned.....

Put simply, you’re asking him to be the solo parent for 48hrs per week (and presumably 72hrs some weeks?) for the benefit of around £40k take home pay? I agree with PP that he can’t simply refuse, but equally, I wouldn’t be wild about that proposition in his position (albeit based on how my life functions rather than yours/his).

There should be a solution there to agree, but it’s not necessary a small ask.

He might be happy in his little comfortable job as he sees it, but a lot of men get very jealous when their wives excel.

Congratulations op. Its a no brainer, id tell him youve listened to his opinion but if he wants to carry on with the lifestyle you both have then youre taking the job and its time for him to step up.

You’re only going to be away two days and nights a week. You are hardly going to be an absent mother!

I am so outraged on your behalf! You don't need this selfish man in your life - do you love him? You are the main breadwinner and he couldn't possibly afford his lifestyle without you. This means that your job gets priority obviously. He doesn't get to decide that your current lifestyle is good enough because he's not contributing to it!!! This would make me question my marriage tbh. My dh is the main earner on 70k so his job gets priority and I take care of the home and the children so he could focus on work. Your situation smells of sexist, entitled, selfish behaviour on his part.

Oh, sounds like he’s another one of those selfish
men who considers his partner a ‘wife-bot’ who is there to facilitate his life/make things easier for him/look after the DC. These men tend have ‘big feelings’ when normal service is disrupted - like the wife-bot malfunctions by being ill or tries to disrupt the status quo by not putting his ‘needs’ first, for once.

Men like this are selfish, self-absorbed bell-ends (been there, have the t-shirt and the divorce). Why the hell does he get to live his best life, doing the inflexible, low-paid job he loves, while you’re the main bread winner and assumedly cover child-related things as well? That’s not a team. That’s you, facilitating his chosen lifestyle.

When he says that your (massive) pay rise isn’t worth “disrupting your current lifestyle”, what he means is that he’s comfortable with things they are and he doesn’t want to put any more effort in re: looking after his own DC or have his life impacted on any way.

He didn’t even congratulate you?! Says it all, really. That’s not a partnership. That’s you and him leading parallel lives and you are covering for him financially, emotionally and pratically by covering most of the bills and childcare.

Why hasn’t he congratulated you, said he’s proud of you, asked you what YOU want to do? Because in his mind, it’s not about you. It’s about him. A wife-bot is not a human being, with thoughts, feelings, dreams. A wife-bot is a household appliance and you don’t ask the washing machine how it feels!

On your new salary you can easily afford a full time nanny. I think you have to take the job, if not you’ll always regret not giving it a try. And you don’t want to live with that sort of regret.

Out of interest, how does your husband react when you are unwell? Is he kind, supportive, caring, covers any child related stuff and household chores etc? Or is he irritated and impatient - stroppy that he has been inconvenienced? I mean, I could be wrong here?

I’d be more than angry. You are the main earner so he should be the flexible one. Fuck him.

Yes I suppose. But that's what the majority of people earning £200k - men - do and is accepted as completely understandable. And it's £40k on top of an already high household income - effectively another salary!

This!

You’d be better off leaving him & getting an au pair (or live in nanny). What does he bring to the relationship as he’s not an equal partner (I don’t mean financially but pulling his weight at home)?!

From his perspective he’s probably thinking about the fact you’ll be working longer hours and away more so he won’t see you as much. It’s understandable why he’d feel resentful about that, especially since you don’t necessarily need the extra cash to be comfortable.

I presume that your DH could find a higher paying job to contribute more to the family finances but he prefers to remain in a much lower paid role because he loves it.

He can express his concerns but he doesn't have the power of veto so you should accept this role if you really want it. You carry the household financially so that he can do a job he loves. It's your turn to put yourself first.

If this ends your marriage, you could afford to pay for nannies/baby sitters for the nights that you are away.

Is he selfish in other ways?

I think it’s sour of him not to congratulate you but it sounds like you didn’t discuss the prospect of getting the job or its implications. He may feel a bit blindsided.

I think you need to consider how it might impact him for no personal gain, you’ll be the one getting the money and glory.

But let’s be clear, if the boot were on the other foot you’d be expected to suck it up and cope, and he should too. I think what you need is an honest conversation about how you can mitigate the impact on him and your family life, but remind him how much heavy lifting you are doing financially so that he gets to choose how and where he works.

Go for it and whilst you are at it tell your husband to find someone else to finance his life.

I think the responses would be very different if the sexes were reversed.

My DH is basically you. Devalued my job because I got less of a start due to being the one who birthed the children, his ambition stopped me being able to develop to higher earning levels, his ambition meant I was the one who always had to take jobs around childcare because he couldn't, his amibition ultimately cost me everything I'd worked towards because he was building his earning capacity and career while I was picking up everything at home which results in a lesser career by default.

End result: I resent this and luckily don't think of it often. The kids had a number of years where they barely saw him and all their memories centre around me being there. This reflects in our relationships with our children today.

How this could have been better: If he had offered ways to bridge the gap it created like being okay with paying for some childcare or home help.

Nothing would be said! They would take the promotion and expect the wife to get on with the wife stuff.

They’re not similar at all @TeaAndMadeiraCake - Ops DH does nothing to facilitate her job, despite her being the higher earner. His life has not been impacted at all - she has done all the things your DH has, & more (including birthing children) without a partner to facilitate.

Working from home two days a week, and obviously pretty Present when she’s at home?
I’m going for admiration, rather than petty resentment.

Nobody gets to veto the other ones job without a very long conversation. But as the non-breadwinner myself I would probably feel similar to him. If my spouse said this was really important to them though I would capitulate and suggest doing it for a couple of years and then reassessing BUT with my view of how things felt for me really counting.

Both people's desires and needs are equally important in a marriage. They need to be talked about at length and honestly. The truth is though that if it all goes tits up the person who spends most time with the kids day to day will probably get custody/more time with the kids if you divorce.

It's silly to think there isn't a gender element at play here but equally H's view does matter as you share your lives.