AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

He sounds useless OP. That's less than the bare minimum.

He's a "hands on dad" who won't even feed his children healthy food or comfort them when they're unsettled at night.

trying to compensate for being a working mum by also doing everything else [...]
One DC is particularly clingy to me so I need to consider that too.

Your feelings about DH and your marriage may be just clouding the issue.
Try a thought experiment:
Take DH out of the equation entirely. He just does not exist. You have nannies and childcare etc. but DH has never existed in your life.

Now think - do I want to take this job?
Thinking about the long-term effects on just you and the DC, good and bad, costs and benefits.
If your gut tells you 'yes', then you go for it regardless of DH.
If your gut tells you 'no', then it would be a mistake for you and the DC, and that even a perfect DH will not be able to magically make it work for you and the DC.

Hi OP. Congratulations on the job offer. I have not read all 25 pages but have read your comments.

This is a potentially life changing offer for you. It is not just the salary, it is the pension contributions being based on the new salary, life cover and so on, and , whom is to say this is where you find your level? You may even go on from this!

If accepting the job offer will mean a change to his lifestyle, assuming you want to stay married you will need to get him on board somehow. My way or the highway attitudes are not great for harmonious marriages. You will need to look at his concerns, and how these can be managed and/or mitigated. If he will have greater childcare responsibilities, maybe he can look to drop hours or a day at work, or you have an agreement that he gets some scheduled hobby time and so on.

You can work to some kind of compromise where it works for you both. But him just coming in with a blanket no is not good. It is a life changing promotion, surely a good man would be happy that his family's future is secure?

Never, ever set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Take the job.

I see you’re one of those.
Does he do a fair share of the mental load? Does all the cooking, ironing, takes the kids to clubs Tuesday, Thursday (twice), Friday, Saturday and Sunday. There are no activities the other days. Sorts the garden, anything DIY related etc. Ensures any kids school events are on the calendar etc. I do the cleaning because I enjoy it a lot of the time.
Has both of his parents dying restricted me a bit? I guess you could say it has. I’d argue it’s inconvenienced him more though!

He’s a teacher and remains “just a teacher” (as in no leadership scale, I’m not underplaying the job as I wouldn’t last 5 minutes) as it’s the better thing for us as a family, my earnings potential is far higher.

Of course he opposes the idea, his nanny/chef/housekeeper can’t leave the house, what will he do? He is absolutely not oblivious - he knows how much work YOU do for everyone and doesn’t want a part of it

He’s not parenting you mean! He’s behaving like a guest relative would! The kids when a “parent” who doesn’t parent don’t miss them when they go away as they are VERY well aware of the failings of their father as they see other kids dads actually parenting them - without having to be told to do the basics!

Congratulations. You didn't get to this point in your career without a great deal of hard work and energy. You have earned this.You deserve it.

If you turn down the promotion, you will always wonder "what if?" and I can't see how you could not feel resentful towards your husband for ever after.

Please take and enjoy this great opportunity. Your happiness and career satisfaction will have a positive effect on your children, now and in the future.

Get
A
Nanny

Nothing else is going to work. Your DH already cherry picks his parenting so he gets to be a Disney Dad, avoids much drudgery (for example, his morning routine is having coffee and going) and has plenty of me time. He is NOT GOING TO WANT TO CHANGE THIS. He doesn't care about the extra money as he has said enough times that he considers your current incomes fine. If you inconvenience him in the slightest with your new job then he is going to kick like a mule and make your life very miserable. Just don't do it. Either don't take the promotion (I really hope you don't take that route!) or get a nanny so, if anything, his life is made a bit easier.

I know it doesn't seem fair, I know it seems ridiculous that he can't do a bit extra to facilitate you taking your dream promotion but he has said pretty much loudly and clearly that he doesn't want to and if you force him to then he's not going to be a happy camper and nobody spreads the misery around more than a disgruntled DH who perceives their unhappiness to be the fault of their DW.

Absolutely take the job or you will regret it forever. He does not get to dictate your life like this.

Can you put it to him in the context of he does what he really enjoys for work and you have made it possible for that to happen. You are not asking for that to no longer happen, but you have different ambitions and have a chance to do something that YOU would really enjoy and be challenged by. But you need a small amount of support and rebalancing in the home to make that happen.

But I would also come to that conversation with a his/hers list of the current situation. Income. Physical work in the home. Mental organisation and planning and implementation. Ability to respond to changes (kids I’ll, school days off etc). Time for yourself/hobbies/meet friends. Show the (I’m)balance of your current situation, and how you just want him to be a little more present in the family so that you can also be fulfilled at work.

When our DC were young my DH was away >30% of the time. It was more challenging due to their recurrent health issues.
Just asked the now 16yrs + DC if it negatively impacted on them. They say ‘Nah, always knew he was coming home cos he loves us’ then ‘and there were some really good presents 😁’. Yes they’re close
I would sometimes resent it in the 5-10 years it happened. I definitely swore. But I’m also loving the freedom his salary brings (not nearly as big as yours though).
If it was the other way around, and your DH had the opportunity, would you hesitate to support him?

@LongDarkTeatime do you think they would have told you if they hated it

Oh yes, they would have definitely told us.
Plus, their account of being fine, and secure in his affection, accurately fits their behaviour both at the time and now. So, no doubts here.

Go for it OP - at least you know you could afford to be a single mother when you finally decide to dump the unsupportive peasant.

Congratulations! I’d take it and hire an aupair/nanny. Tell DH he can pick as he will be working with them mainly…

YANBU.

It would be one thing if your DH were already struggling with his existing work-life balance, already felt burnt-out or emotionally and practically abandoned, and opposed your promotion as a result.

It is quite another thing for a man who already sounds like he does far less than his fair share on the home and children front to oppose your promotion because it might require him to contribute more to family life.

I can understand him being anxious about the change, especially if it will involve him doing things he hasn't had to do much of before. It does sound like a big decision that impacts on everyone in your family. Perhaps his knee-jerk reaction isn't representative of him as a partner and person. But his lack of consideration for what this might mean to you and his failure to congratulate you at all does not sound great.

I do recommend that you really reflect on the martyr stuff. It's understandable but probably not very useful to you. If there is any chance here that you are setting yourself up to fail with this promotion by driving yourself to do the impossible in trying to do it all for work and for your family out of guilt... well that won't be great either. It is also possible that your DH is alert to the possibility that you are setting him up to fail by struggling to let go of how you think things ought to be done... A bit of beige food (or, on your budget, the odd hello fresh-style cheat) won't hurt anyone if he does end up having to look after the kids by himself a couple of nights a week. Perhaps it might be important to explore his specific worries and fears, and to take a really non-judgemental stance when doing that. Your rage might be entirely justified but I don't think it will help you find a way forward here - only mutual listening and understanding will do that.

And absolutely, mothers are judged and demonised for having their own work ambitions and dreams in a way that men simply are not. I remember to my shame going back to work earlier than planned after having my DC because I'd unexpectedly received a big exciting promotion but needed to start work sooner as a condition of the job offer. I went around guiltily telling people the opportunity was too big to turn down and how we needed the money. The reality was that I just really really wanted to take the job because I knew it would be challenging and fascinating. I sensed (correctly) that a lot of people wouldn't like me saying that. I wouldn't go around debasing myself like that if I had my time again because of course I was just further reinforcing the idea that it is shameful to want to pursue things at work as a mum, and that is only dire necessity is a valid reason to do it.

Good luck with everything, and really well done.

Sorry, what? He needs instructions for how to look after his own kids, and there’s certain things he ‘will not’ do? (What does that actually look like, out of interest? What happens if you say you need him to take his turn at early mornings?)
He sounds more and more of a waste of space.

‘Will not do’… do you really mean that? Surely you are sometimes away and he has to do things he doesn’t necessarily enjoy doing.

wouldn't it be amazing to be a parent if you could just pick and choose the parts you will and won't do, and wait for specific instructions and requests for every task?

Bliss! All the good stuff. The rewarding stuff. None of the stress.

I hope you managed to have a fruitful and positive discussion.

I get the 'martyr' concept of wanting to be a good Mum, but can you put that aside? You are a good Mum, and have been for many years, aided by a flexible job and a high salary. Now you continue to be a good Mum by considering the whole family and how your potential decision will impact on everyone.

Your dh isn't really doing the same. He's doing a job he like and enjoys, but the price is that it isn't flexible (or so it appears) and therefore it doesn't take into account the needs of the whole family - including you. I can understand his pov where in comparison to his income, you earn plenty. But this is not just about money. It's about opportunity and fulfilment for you, and it's not selfish to want that.

There is always the risk that by not going further in your career, you may jeopardise your current position. What then. You may well find yourself in the situation where you have to take a lesser paid role, which may have much less flexibility. How would you both cope then?

Are there ways in which you can use work travel time to do life/family admin? I always found the dead time in airport lounges, or on trains, an excellent time to tick off the boring tasks such as insurance renewal, meal plan and shopping order, writing Christmas cards, meant I could get home and be present for everyone. Plus I used the 'away' time for some self care - a hotel with a pool, a massage, an hour to join an online yoga class or meditation group.

If things are really impossible re: early mornings and after school, are there any older teens locally who might walk your dc to school, or supervise breakfast. Not the same responsibility as babysitting since your dh might also be there most of the time.

If you're in a senior role I imagine you are pretty creative with problem solving. Use those skills now.

Hi OP, I hope you have made a decision based on what you want, an opportunity like this may never come along again, grab it with both hands and don’t look back! Can you imagine the future you are setting up for you and the kids. It is an extra 3k a month after tax!!! Your next promotion could be 250k!! And think if the increased pension contributions for retirement You have a golden opportunity go for it girl! 😀

But beware! Your entitled husband might just decide he's worth it... and deserves some TLC from a nearby woman.