AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

@Bigjob1234 If the job is what you want and will make you happy, take it.
It sounds like your NVDH enjoys a very cushy and easy lifestyle and it's long past time that he grows the fu@k up and becomes a parent to his children.

As for getting bashed by other posters, this is MN, so you cannot expect any better or kinder replies. Many are jealous, so by making you feel smaller, they feel bigger. Others are just petty and want to be obstreperous to make their life more enjoyable. Ignore them.

Do you need to think about the pros and cons? Of course you do! But not taking a job YOU will enjoy so your NVDH can continue to be a man of leisure around the house is unfair to you and to your children.

I wish you the very best and I hope you take the job!

Wow this thread exploded! Lots of food for thought here. Just to clarify the role was one of those where the scope is developed to fit the person they chose, hence the not knowing full extent of travel expectations or salary throughout the process. He knew I was going for it and was not blindsided.

He comes off badly in this thread but reality is I do all the mental load and lots of the physical! He has a good relationship with the DC is 'hands on' in many ways, just not the get dressed, get fed, pack bags kind of way.

I'm really struggling to work through the importance of being physically present in the home, even on those days which are crammed full of school and activities meaning quality time is minimal anyway... Vs only really being around when WFH and at weekends. Would also need to be very intentional about looking after myself so I'm not a stressed mess at the weekend and have very clear boundaries. The job will be extra stress but stress is what I do and get paid for so it's kind of par for the course.

@Bigjob1234 I hope you see that the majority of posters are telling you to GO for it! And if he's not happy then divorce his sorry ass.

He has a good relationship with the DC is 'hands on' in many ways, just not the get dressed, get fed, pack bags kind of way.

@Bigjob1234 can I ask if you can clarify what you mean by that?
If he isn’t doing the bet dressed, fed etc.. but us still hands on, what is he doing? Playing with them? Taking them to their various activities, to the park?

Yes will take them to the park at weekends, play silly games if asked, and will do drop offs/pick ups if given instructions etc. Will not do - night wakings or early mornings! Or kids parties or birthday present buying etc. Will cook only beige freezer food if necessary.

I'm wreally struggling to work through the importance of being physically present in the home, even on those days which are crammed full of school and activities meaning quality time is minimal anyway... Vs only really being around when WFH and at weekends

Honestly, I’ve done being the one who is at home whilst dh was away half of the week (it worked out as 7 days out of 14) and little input from him the other 50%. In part because we had our routine so it was easier. In part because he never made tge effort.

And I’ve fine working ‘away’ 2 days a week and being there the rest of the time. Similar to what you’re doing.
The two days when I didn’t see the dcs didn’t make much difference.
It forced dh to step up and build a reiationship with the dcs that he wouldn’t have had otherwise. But the dcs were happy because they were with the other parent. I got to do the job I loved. The person who struggled more was dh. But then it also taught him that parenting agd doing the daily nitty gritty stuff was HARD and he didn’t take what I did fir granted anymore.

100% agree with this…if you don’t take the job you will become very resentful of him and quite rightly too …Congratulations OP x

Me too.

That’s not bringing hands on though. That’s being a Disney dad and cherry picking the nice bits of parenting.

Im sure we would all prefer to only do that. But that’s not what a parent is about.

I continue to be blown away by your passive responses about him op. They’re really strange. Haha isn’t my husband useless, isn’t it funny that I do all the work. It isn’t funny at all. I wonder what your upbringing was that makes you think (pretend?) that he deserves you.

He sounds like a passive parent who will do the bare minimum, when asked. He won’t support your ambition because that will mean change and he will have to do ‘more’. Pathetic given the ‘more’ in question are basic parenting and household activities.

Take the job OP. Your life and career shouldn’t be put on hold because of an effortless, unambitious, self centred man child .

Does he actually enjoy his job?

Do you not think that now is the time your husband should learn how to do night wakings, early mornings, kids’ parties, birthday present buying (etc) and how to cook more than beige freezer food, @Bigjob1234? Does he not understand he is a parent now, not a spoiled child?

this

https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-book

Please check out this book. Get him to.

It sounds like he works, does a bit of the easy stuff of parenting and rests?

You will burn out. You sound very high functioning and you’ll manage to do it without him stepping up to adult and parent properly - but it will take its toll and by perimenopause the scales will fall and you’ll see how he has used you.

Please don’t let that happen. He lives in the house. He eats and washes in the house. He wears the clothes that need washing and he fathered the children. Every single thought and task related to all of that, is 50% his responsibility. His penis isn’t a get out of jail free card.

And trust me when I say this - they CAN do it. Their brains don’t prevent it. They just don’t want to do it because the mental load and emotional labour of parenting and the load of maintaining a comfortable hygienic home is tiring, unappreciated, relentless and often tedious. Why would you do any of it if you have someone to do it for you?

Girl.... this does NOT meet my definition of a hands on dad.

More than 50% of deadbeat father's in the 1980s managed a bit of horse play amd a kick around in the garden with their own children.

I am a high earner in the same range. The T&Cs of your home set up would simply be unacceptable to me.
I feel like you are one of those women who have been conditioned to keep things nice and not make a fuss.

I posted previous but I think your competence makes this guy hate himself.
Because he is happy to leech of you but then wants to hold itnagaonst you because it holds a mirror up to him and his lack of everything.
When you divorce ( and I predict you will) he'll take you to the cleaners then tell everyone what a monster you were.

@Bigjob1234 you need to sit down with him at the weekend and work out how your new work schedule will work, and he will need to do more (even if you hadn't got the promotion)

You both work, so why hasn't he done night wakings, work with you on getting DC ready in the morning etc (even if his work schedule doesn't allow him to do drop offs etc he can be up getting them dressed, fed etc). Why can't he cook more than beige food? He shouldn't need instructions for parenting

You really need to look at how your new role will work. If you are already struggling to fit everything in, and having quality time with family, how will it work going forward, and leaving you time to relax and destress, otherwise you will burn out and have missed out on family time. Fancy job and extra money isn't worth that. If DH steps up big time, would you still have the hours to fit in what you want

Hello
Firstly - congratulations on your promotion - take it and do not look back. I had a similar situation where I was main earner, did every night waking and early mornings with two young DC whilst also creating all the financial stability. The resentment was unbearable, I was permanently exhausted.
I left exh and in the few years since I tripled my salary (was on circa £100K when I left) my DC have two nights a week with their dad and I am happier, healthier and have had about five promotions in that time (I still don’t and have never had a nanny). I don’t know if you still love him etc but honestly I have never looked back and my children are growing up extremely happy and well loved by both parents - funnily enough exh became a better father when he had to!

He's about 2 steps away from being Disney dad. Why are you letting this loser man dictate your career choices? If he wants to live in the lap of luxury and financial security, but not be the one paying for it, then he needs to be the one to make some sacrifices, including his little morning lie ins and learning how to steam a few vegetables.

This really is unacceptably minimal. Since when can a parent just refuse to do parts of parebting. It’s not a bag of pick n mix. The promotion is a red herring. Your husband is not pulling his weight as a parent and this is going nowhere good.

Why is he allowed to get away with that?

Op I don’t want to frighten you, but is it possible you are already in some kind of burnout mindset? I’m just thinking because your responses about your goddawful husband are so odd, is it that you cannot bear to think about yet another thing? You have a stressful £100k job, do all the hard bits of parenting whilst getting none of the fun bits, and you have this abhorrent selfish man going on at you as if you’re not good enough. You must be exhausted.

Can your marriage survive the resentment you would feel if you turned down the job?

well. Your challenge is that DH doesn’t want to do anymore than he does. He doesn’t contribute equally as it stands and he has no intention of allowing that to change.

His response is all about him.

you need to tell him that you are going to accept the position and that means a change is required to support the family as a whole and that includes your ambitions.

£80/90k a year is not to be sniffed at. That’s paying the mortgage off several years early. Amazing holidays and trips with the kids. Pension contributions which let’s face it his will be crap.

He needs to get on board and if he won’t, you have bigger problems I’m afraid.

How.much does he earn? If it is less than 50K surely he would be better off being a stay at home dad and you can ditch all.the external help you have at the moment.....