AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

I asked before, but you probably missed my question in all the responses. Do you think your relationship can survive the resentment you will feel if you don’t take the job?

If it were the other way around I bet he would want to take the job.

and she would be the one doing everything at home alrady and ensuring her career is flexible and fits around the kids, because he's the breadwinner.

You make over 100k - you have likely got excellent private health.

Research a few therapists in your area - phone and have an initial chat to check you have rapport.

then Phone up your provider and request authorization for sessions for therapy for anxiety and depression relating to relationship problems.

I think you need an external party to see the wood for the trees.

Also I dont need a child psychology degree to know why your child is clingy.....🙄
Hint: it's got nothing to do with your presence

Op, i think this is a fantastic opportunity and I think you should go for it.

But. Only a rebalance in your relationship will mean you can do this successfully, without burnout. Many women at that level end up continuing to do everything at home, in addition to keeping a very stressful job. Something always ends up giving way, no matter how strong you are and often they end up feeling that they are doing neither role - parenting or work - particularly well.

I have never reached your height of earnings, but I have out-earned dh now for well over a decade and we are financially very comfortable. During that time we've raised two children while I've commuted 2 hours each way twice per week. Dh is hands on in the traditional sense - cooks, cleans, does drop offs and pick ups - but not the mental load, the planning, the remembering-everything-for -everyone. Please don't underestimate the pressure that this alone adds.

Nonetheless, he's always supported me 100% and we've worked together to make it work. Quite simply, I could not have done it without his support and active involvement in our children's lives.

If your dh is already unsupportive, then I'd question whether he will actually step up and do what's needed to support you. Without his clear and unequivocal agreement to more practical support, my fear would be that you end up joining the very many high earning working mums who simply cannot (nor should not) be all things to everyone all at once. It's setting yourself up for failure.

“there is other stuff which I darent say now”

I am really sorry that you don’t feel able to say. I hope that you find somewhere to unpick this. I used to use different threads for different themes or instances and change my name a lot.

I think those words are really helpful to remember that behind every ‘he leaves cupboard doors open AIBU’ post, there is often more than just the cupboard doors. If we want spaces where women in particular can voice their experience and have other women support them to notice where patriarchy is causing us harm, we have to be considerate in how we express ourselves. Challenge is good but berating someone or blaming them because they don’t immediately take on board feedback or say they will LTB, or doubting whether it’s the truth, has exactly this impact. It shuts us down. Trolls will always pop up of course, but this will make me even more careful in future.

I have been helped so much by posting AIBUs on here around my ex and was able to then spot the emotional abuse I was experiencing and how my labour was being exploited. I’m now free (ish) from that. There are probably hundreds of similar stories. We are powerful together!!

OP, please find somewhere to talk all this through. It’s scary to start questioning things but I so wish I’d started sooner. I wasted so much time, energy and angst trying to do it all and it impacted on my health (a lot to do with walking on egg shells constantly and the emotional labour).

And please read or listen to Fair Play if you haven’t. Get him to. It’s a really quick listen and if your DH does get it, there is a great system for dividing stuff up fairly. It doesn’t cover the emotional labour of managing ‘mantrums’ though.

I’d love to hear his plans for retirement and how the kids Uni years will be funded…he sounds like he thrives in the present, with you making a lot of it possible.

Also, just to say that I am losing half my pension to my ex. I’m losing half of everything despite me having provided most of it. This is fair if he’d been a SAHP to allow me to progress but that’s not what happened. It’s gutting. Please don’t make the same mistake as me. Protect your energy. You matter too. Your needs, wants, wishes matter too.

@Bigjob1234 I’m following your dilemma. I’m comparing to my own family member who has young children and will potentially soon be choosing between a very good job and being, as her sister says “minted” in another job.

The “very good job” will offer flexibility such as wfh when child is sick, understanding that you slip out for nativity and sports days. “Minted” job will probably mean she has to rely on taking days off or watching recordings taken by relatives.

So my family member decision is not the same as yours, it has just made me reflect on the way men and women in the past (including myself) are treated so differently/accept different pressures when they are raising children and working.

I’m seeing more and more families accept that one person of the couple needs to step up at home to support their partner. It might be because the partner has found a job with travel responsibilities that will result in higher pay, a role that will clearly pay off in the long run or needing to acquire a formal qualification. The partnership takes the ambition on board.

The partner with the higher pay does not have to be male BUT if they are it would be “the norm”. When the higher earner is female and dad does the nursery pick ups or manages kids alone in the supermarket it is still the exception.

So in your case I want you to be ambitious. Your partner should be proud and ambitious for you. I am cross with him for not saying “hell yes take the job and rushing out for a bottle of bubbly. Keep topping up your pension pot because who knows how you will feel ten years down the line.

Was this a man getting a better/higher paid role, I have no doubt that there would be no thread on Dadsnet wondering if wifey should make some adjustments (and in this case it does not sound as if they are huge) at home.

Congratulations on your career journey. Get on to a nanny agency.

Bloody hell. I wasn’t expecting that. Do you realise he sounds like a 15 year old babysitter? That’s not a competent parent. How can you be attracted to this man?

yes, this, how often is the aibu just the tip of a very large iceberg? And one of the mitigations is "but he's a great dad "

As I said, I think the key issue is that I've had it remarkably good/flexible until now

I think you need to reframe this.
Personally I think your husband has had it remarkably good/flexible until now. He doesn't have to earn a lot and can do a job he loves, because you pick up the financial slack. He doesn't have to parent and only does the bits he enjoys, because you pick up the slack. He doesn't appear to have to pick up any of the mental/physical load of running the household.because you either outsource it or do it to yourself. When is it your turn?

this. I don't know who did the training but he seems to have got you trained.

Have you considered that the dc who is clingy to you is like this because his dad doesn’t really bother with him so you’re his only safe place?
Whereas if your dh was stepping up, hed have TWO people to turn towards.

You mean you expect posters to change their whole life after a few posts on MN?
Are you only here for the drama from that decision or are you actually trying to support? Because it looks to me that only drama,’oh I’ve LTB’ type of posts

fwiw people who decide to do xyz after a few posts are usually people who had already made that choice and just needed a confirmation/nudge.
The others will take time to think, to assess the huge variety of answers. As it should be when you’re taking huge decision. They’ll take the time to have a chat with their partner. Again as it should be unless the relationship is already totally fractured.

That sort of answers is there only to shame women. Something many posters seem to be keen on doing on MN. Shaming them for not reacting quickly enpugh. For past decisions. For not being able to read the future.
It doesn’t help. Actually it often does the opposite that answers like yours are ‘supposed to do’

op, if there’s other stuff you daren’t tell us which show him in an even worse light, PLEASE take the job and simultaneously seek help. Put yourself first for once, it sounds like you never ever do. He puts himself first every single time. You are clearly incredibly strong and capable, this man is ruining you.

If you don't take this position you will always regret it. You will hold it against your DH and resent him. Then what will happen?

Go ahead with your promotion and get more help for your household.

As an additional point, my ex husband who is kind of an ok guy, not good enough obvo, BUT, he stepped up as a father following our divorce. He was a Disney dad when we were together, I mean why do anything when I’d do it, but once he only saw them twice a week, he totally focusses on them. Really involved. I think this happens reasonably often. Just food for thought in case you’re scared of divorce.

I promise I am not joining a pile on OP - because I have a lot of understanding about your position. When my children were born, I took on loads - I wanted to be able to do everything. Keep the big job, spend time with the children, have a (reasonably!) clean house, loads of activities - why couldn't I do it all!! And, I could! I did loads for years, my husband even worked away for a year when they were young. Which I encouraged as...i could do it all!

What I eventually realised though is...why? There are no prizes for putting yourself through a relentless treadmill, and I think I was so used to being seen as competent and capable at work that I carried this over to my family life.

My children are now mid primary and I am much more relaxed! House is a mess, but husband does loads more, I accept I don't see much of the family a few days a week but try and make up for it with lots of quality time the rest. I think it is a more sustainable way to live.

Re your husband, he really does need to step up. Whether it's obliviousness or maliciousness is for you to decide. I do have some level of understanding for the obliviousness - many years ago I remember being horrified that my then 21yo husband was letting his quite ill mother wait on him. I talked to him about it, and he became horrified - he has genuinely never considered it as his whole life she had done everything. Yes he should have seen it himself but I do see how it came about.

He did change his behaviour though. I think you need to calmly lay out with your husband all the things you are doing and taking care of, and ask the genuine question why he thinks it is fair that you do the breadwinning job, the night feeds, the organising, the housework, the cooking...etc etc, while he has a lazy coffee in bed every morning and does somes chores (badly!) when asked like a dopey teenager. He will probably initially be defensive, as it is quite confronting, but how he takes that message on I think will be quite telling

It’s ridiculous that he doesn’t pull his weight yet benefits hugely from your salary.

This is your dream job and the next step after this one would likely mean you can negotiate more family friendly terms.

He either needs to go out and earn a lot more money or suck it up and do more parenting.

Do you want your DC to grow up with the dynamic of the women does everything whilst the man does the bare minimum at home and a hobby job?

OP, this man is a user living off you.
Do not lose this chance for a user loser.

He's not a great father, he is a bare minimum dad who uses his childrens mother as a workhorse.

A good man, husband and father would not do that.
Don't be blinded to the truth.

Yes!

This is a tricky one. He clearly doesn’t have a right to say you can’t take the promotion but he does have a right to question whether it’s the right thing to do overall. I’m the higher earner in our family (roughly twice DH) and there’s opportunities I’ve looked at that would have been promotions and more money but decided against as it wasn’t the right thing for our family overall. It’s very difficult to manage, we have had no help with childcare so have always had to balance that, which has restricted me a bit.

Does your husband do a fair share of the mental load and domestic labour?

It’s restricted you a bit. Has it restricted him too?