AIBU to be angry my husband opposes my major promotion?

[Bigjob1234]

Context - I am the main earner whilst DH works in a low paying field he adores. I have been offered a huge new job, pinnacle of career stuff with a £200k+ salary (outside of London). It will involve stress and it will involve travel. We have 2 DC - 7 and 4 - so both will be in school in September.

DH says no - my current role pays enough for our lifestyle and is flexible enough to work life around. He has not once asked me if I want this job or congratulated me on the achievement, just states that it is inconvenient and therefore I shouldn't do it. I'm fuming - his job is full time in the office and low paid but he does it because he loves it, despite it being inconvenient. My job has to both pay all the bills but also ensure that I am around for childcare/be completely flexible. If I want to progress in my career, I will have to suck up some more stress and inconvenience as I will be at the top of leadership. Even if I did this role for 2 years, it could be a great move to position me for other things and potentially more flexibility in future. AIBU to be fuming with him?!

Absolutely take the job. He should be so proud of your achievements. Well done!

I’m interpreting your written descriptions of his parenting to be more like a fun uncle (at best), than a father.

I think I seem passive because he is genuinely not malicious, just....oblivious! He earns about £40k I think. I don't think he would give up because it means a lot to him. I think he thinks I'm greedy for money when we have plenty. That could be true, I suppose, but I don't think he appreciates that it's up or out after a certain point. I don't ask people for help, I just crack on - that's an upbringing thing. Probably also my own internalised misogyny that I need to do certain 'mum' things. My own mother was a career woman, no time for housework or school events - I think I'm trying to do everything!

Congratulations: Go for it all, have a great time doing the job.

He is Not a hands on Dad in any way at all. Get someone part-time (housekeeper?) to do the day to day including cooking nourishing healthy meals. Leave him to the Disney world he does now.

READ THIS!!!! (from upthread)

Again and again until it sinks in

You will burn out. You sound very high functioning and you’ll manage to do it without him stepping up to adult and parent properly - but it will take its toll and by perimenopause the scales will fall and you’ll see how he has used you.
Please don’t let that happen. He lives in the house. He eats and washes in the house. He wears the clothes that need washing and he fathered the children. Every single thought and task related to all of that, is 50% his responsibility. His penis isn’t a get out of jail free card.
And trust me when I say this - they CAN do it. Their brains don’t prevent it. They just don’t want to do it because the mental load and emotional labour of parenting and the load of maintaining a comfortable hygienic home is tiring, unappreciated, relentless and often tedious. Why would you do any of it if you have someone to do it for you?

@LastoneYawning

Every word you said is true.

This should be required reading for every young woman before agreeing to cohabit, marry or have children.

yeah he sounds like a big brother or a lodger who has agreed to help out a bit, not a huspand and parent.

he is genuinely not malicious, just....oblivious!

How does this BS explanation as obliviousness cover off him doing NO NIGHT WAKES while you earn 2-4x his salary...

Does he not know women need sleep?
Did he not notice that babies dont sleep through the night?

I'm beginning to think this is a wind up...

If real....Agree with others, you are 100% heading for burn out...

This this

Absolutely agree, I can’t even imagine how a conversation must go…
’morning darling, how did you sleep? I slept like a log’
‘well I was up 4 times with the baby’
‘oh well, better get their breakfast now, I’m gonna have a lie in and a coffee’
’good idea’
365 x 7 years later.

lol

On that wage you could get a divorce

He doesn’t sound hands on at all if he can’t do the parenting basics.

He is not oblivious

1. I was replying to a different poster, not OP, so that's your comprehension issue.
2. OP's proposed job isn't as I described, so 1 should have been obvious.

I would say to OP's DH: It's only two days/nights a week. You'll learn to love it. Once the kids are in bed, you're free to do whatever you want without having to consider anyone else. That time alone is great.

I left the thread after seeing op is just here rant.

yeah cos hes a great dad

I don’t understand why you praise this and why you haven’t got the absolute ick. 15 year old babysitters do better than this, they use their brain more proactively and they do more jobs and they get the kids to do more jobs and they serve better food. The truth is he’s just a useless shit dad who is too lazy to usefully parent at all, and you need to confront that. Can’t cook can’t clean can’t organise the kids can’t get them to anywhere useful can’t plan can’t deliver to a calendar zero responsibility zero fucks. Zero love personally - if he actually loved you or the kids he’d do something for you surely , but men like this care the most about themselves.

Agree with this. If you’re staying with him Op, then you need to get more help to avoid burnout - get an au pair or live in nanny to share the load (that he absolutely should be sharing!)

I think it's great about your job. I definitely think you should go for it.

My DH has a 'big' ish job and I have a medium big job. Before he took his latest position we did work out a schedule so that we could make it work. I do most of the family admin. He works long hours but does what he can. We make it work. He loves his job. I love that. I don't want to hold him back.

No OP, my DH is a hands-on dad. He has got up in the night to change DD when I was breastfeeding, he does all the clothes washing and makes sure DD has her sports kit and school uniform ready when she needs it, he does his share of getting her to and from said sports, he takes his turns with making dinner, I can leave him and DD for several days and I do no prep beforehand.

He also out-earns me about 3:1 and was absolutely on board when I got promoted and need to be in the office more often.

Your DH sounds like a stereotypical lazy man who "would do things if you just tell [him] what to do".

How did it come about that he "doesn't do" night waking or early mornings or getting the kids ready for school?
Why have you let him not do it?

Congratulations on your promotion, btw!

Congratulations! I would go for it. Your lifestyle wouldn't change but the increased savings could do so much for the children in future.

Your up or out point is also spot on. If you decline at this stage it’s likely the end of the road at this company. You can’t plod in these senior positions. You could ask for a flexible arrangement where you have one travel free week per month (without knowing your job it’s hard to know whether that’s reasonable).

This is not a wind up and I am genuinely taking on board all the comments.

I have been told before I am too passive towards him (there is other stuff which I darent say now)! I also think I'm too busy - easier to just do it rather than delegate - plus I may be being a little bit martyr-ish, trying to compensate for being a working mum by also doing everything else. I am thinking everything through and planning a big discussion at the weekend.

As I said, I think the key issue is that I've had it remarkably good/flexible until now - this would be a big change from the status quo and I do understand that he might not get why I would choose that. It's not like I'm going from an already significant commute and time in the office to this - it's a big step up from lots of flex and WFH. One DC is particularly clingy to me so I need to consider that too.