AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

[Snowdrops99]

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

Because there is no bullying in not inviting the majority of the children attending the laser tag birthday party to a separate event at the birthday child's house afterwards. This is neither 'bullying' nor 'exclusion' nor anything that's going to cause 'damage'. The OP only heard about it by accident.

In fact if the OP's child were invited to the after-party bit, he would be spending more time with a child (not the birthday boy) whom the OP says has actually bullied him. But the OP, who has her priorities all wrong, thinks this would be fine. She seems mysteriously unconcerned with the actual bullying.

She should obviously be concentrating on the actual bullying and ensuring it doesn't recur, rather than confusing it with a situation that involves no bullying whatsoever.

OP has asked for second opinions on whether she should pull her son out of a party because he's not been invited to the "after party." Using this as an opportunity to gently teach her son about resilience is perfectly acceptable.

If OP wrote another thread about how to address the bullying, I expect she'll get different responses.

I wouldn’t take him to the party, like you Said if this were a group of adults you’d leave feeling crappy and so will your son.
He’s 7, he doesn’t need to learn resilience yet, especially considering the bullying situation.
I personally think it’s a bit shitty of the parents organizing to arrange it like this, they must get it would upset those left out, it should have been organised for a different day to the party. .

So you'd punish your child by 'excluding' him from the main party, to which he was actually invited, because he wasn't invited to a separate event at a separate location on the same day? Because the supposed 'damage' to a 7 year old's self-esteem caused by feeling left out at not being in the minority of children invited to the after party will somehow be cancelled out by the feeling of missing the actual birthday party?

No wonder so many Mners struggle with adult friendships and never seem to have got past their childhood socialising struggles.

If it was a group of adults and some of them went back to one person's house after an evening out (which I think is the best parallel I can come up with) you would invite yourself if you were a good enough friend and wanted to come. And if you weren't a good enough friend to invite yourself, then you would understand that that was why you hadn't been invited.

Why would it make any difference if the "after party" was on a different day? OP's DC would still hear discussion about it and not be invited.

So you're invited to a party with 20 people, find out the birthday woman is also having afternoon tea with her three closest friends from the party, and you leave feeling crappy? Weird for an adult.

I think you should take him to the laser quest. Then if the “after party” bit comes up, say “oh you couldn’t have gone anyway because of granny being here” or something.

I agree in principle that having two tier parties for kids is a bad idea though.

Fundamentally disagree.

You're doing your child a disservice if you don't nurture resilience from infancy.

I wonder if some people are interpreting resilience as being told to "get over it". That's not what resilience is. For a 7yo in this context, resilience is about experiencing a setback, feeling upset about it, having those feelings acknowledged, and then, with a bit of guidance and support, learning how to bounce back.

YANBU I wouldn’t stop him going to the main party, your plan to have a chat and do something nice afterwards sounds like a good idea. I think you should invite the boys not invited to the sleepover to your house or to dinner. Keep it light for your son BUT I can’t believe how many people think it’s ok. I would have got DC to have the sleepover another night or just have 1 friend. I don’t think it’s acceptable for adults to do the same thing either, which is why people generally complain about evening wedding invitations on here.

Also the birthday boy has picked his favourites to invite back and that is personal. It’s good for your son to learn to deal with it with his head held high but honestly saying it’s not personal is nonsense.

Also the birthday boy has picked his favourites to invite back and that is personal.

That's how parties work. How does OP feel about the class members who weren't invited to the daytime party? Assuming over half the class wasn't invited. Should their parents be complaining about favouritism too?

So your son was invited to a party yet you want to exclude him?
Why don't you use the relatives visit as an excuse to pick him first from the laser tag if you're worried about him being upset?

However it's normal not to be included for everything.

My daughter had a big party for her bday plus a smaller one at home with 4 girls. Doesn't mean she doesn't like the other friends, we didn't put a massive amount of thought into who attends.

Also her 2 close friends recently had a sleepover together, it didn't occur me to get upset about it. Friend groups evolve and change and we don't need to be included everywhere

I disagree with you. In this situation I think it was twat behaviour on the parents part fir arranging two events on the same day knowing that some where excluded.
My children are adults now and there seems to be a different attitude towards excluding children now compared to twenty years ago. I find it really quite mean and I’d want to shield my child where I could.
You don’t have to agree with me but that is my opinion.

I think this is a really helpful post. Building resilience is so very important from a very young age but I think many people think it is about being told to just get on with it and it isn’t - it’s exactly as this poster has described. We are doing our young people a huge disservice by never allowing them to meet any adversity, hurt, upset and jumping in constantly to solve things for them. We need to help them meet these things, deal with their feelings and move on positively - that is what helps them become well rounded adults who are able to deal with things effectively and positively as they are going to have to. It sounds like the Op has come to a sensible conclusion but blowing this normal, (certainly not bullying) situation out of proportion does our young people no good whatsoever.

I've not passed judgment either way on whether the parents should have arranged a sleepover after the party with a smaller group. I was responding to your comment that "He’s 7, he doesn’t need to learn resilience yet" because that's simply not true.

OP cannot change the fact that the sleepover is happening and her son hasn't been invited. But she can control how she chooses to respond to it.

Being left out of the second (better) part of the party is hurtful. I'm not sure what all this talk of resilience is about. Teaching someone to not be hurt by something that is hurtful? People can't learn to find hurtful things un-hurtful. They can only learn how to behave publicly in a situation like this.
If he's already a quiet character and this will knock his confidence further, I'd cancel and hope he never finds out that he wasn't invited to both parts.

Can people please read up on what resilience means - it does not mean accepting that hurtful things are OK (to paragraph a PP).

The best way to tackle bullying is to build friendships.
14 have been invited, suggesting there are children in the class who have not been invited to any of it. Costs and logistics for the parents likely mean the birthday boy had to choose, and he chose your son. That's really positive.
Having a smaller group at home afterwards is very normal. I wouldn't want 14 children either. 9 children are not being bullied in this scenario. They are being given the opportunity to have a fun event with schoolfriends.
Buy a gift, let him go, and at the end he can wave goodbye with all the other children who are leaving the same as him. And he will have a shared experience to talk about with them at school.
Hope he has a wonderful time.

I would let son go to the party, he isn't the only one not going to the after party. If particularly worried organise something for after that means your son couldn't go to after party anyway.

Well the hosts are being a bit crass to separate the guests into two tiers like that, but perhaps they just have a lot on and didn't think it through. There's no need to turn it into a big deal and make him feel worse.
I'd take your son to the bit he is invited to, so he can have fun with his friends and tell him you both have to get home for cake and fun with the relatives - maybe taking him to the supermarket to help choose a cake or nibbles, so he's looking forward to that too.

Lots of people do this for girls; it ends up being a party, then a sleepover. Sometimes my daughter will be part of it, sometimes not, depending on how close she is to the child. Your son will already know this is happening, as kids are not subtle. If you pull out now, then he probably won't get invited to things in the future. It's so natural to worry about our kids but they do learn through experiences , even difficult ones.

It seems to me there’s a lot of posters on here who don’t really understand what resilience is and how it’s built over time!

Resilience is not:

Not being upset by someone’s actions
Not caring about an outcome
Accepting bullying behaviour
Pretending you don’t care when you do
Accepting ‘just get over it’ when a negative situation occurs

Resilience is:

Recognising that life often doesn’t go the way we’d ideally like it to.

Accepting that we can’t control what others will do or say

Understanding (with help from an adult initially) what is a major setback that needs addressing separately and what is a minor setback that can be overcome with suitable scaffolding.

Recognising that we might feel upset or hurt by a certain set of circumstances

Being able to move on and bounce back after expressing those emotions, knowing that you are strong enough to weather a minor setback.

Resilience is built over time by parents who wisely shield their children from things like bullying and abuse and who wisely and carefully allow their children to experience minor disappointments and setbacks. The latter need to be modelled by parents as something they also experience and weather and then when it happens to their children, talked through and given tools to cope and overcome.

Also to say this isn’t a bullying situation (although I agree the bullying needs to be addressed). The birthday child isn’t doing the bullying and the lack of invitation to the after party isn’t an example of bullying. It’s a very normal part of life and something that will happen again (friends being invited to something that he is not) and so needs dealing with in a way that builds self confidence not in a way that disempowers him.

I wouldn't cancel the main party because of something that might happen afterwards. He may never even know about the pizza and gaming unless it's made into a big deal, and I'd hate for him to miss out on the fun part as well.
If he does find out and is upset, I'd acknowledge that it hurts rather than trying to explain it away. Being left out is genuinely painful, especially when he's already had a difficult time with bullying and his confidence is low.
I'd also be careful about shielding him by inventing another reason not to go. That may avoid one disappointment this weekend, but it also means he misses an invitation he did receive, and it doesn't really solve the underlying issue. He needs his resilience building up - that in and of it's self is a painful process but worth it because when he reaches adulthood he will face these situations with confidence.
If you're worried because of the bullying, that's a separate consideration. If you think he'll be unsafe or deliberately made to feel unwelcome at the main party, then that's a different conversation and I would not bring him. But if the laser tag party itself is likely to be enjoyable, I'd let him go and make some nice plans afterwards with your visiting relatives so he has something to look forward to.
Your instinct to protect him is completely understandable. I'd focus on helping him build resilience with 1-2-1 encounters rather than in groups initially, while making sure he knows that being quieter doesn't make him any less worthy of friendship. Hopefully he'll have a good time at the main party, and this won't end up being as significant as you're fearing.
As for parents who invite some kids and not others, at that age <10 when their egos are still so fragile, I had an everyone or no one rule because I detest teaching my children how to exclude others. If space was an issue the party was every 2nd year instead of annually, that way we could hire a hall or whatever. My now adult children learned to treat people with kindness, equally and get along even if they didn't want to - a key lesson in life. They are now very well adjusted and well liked adults. Parental 3-dimensional social chess is not something I respect. Be nice but make a mental note of the chess players amongst the adult group, and stick to your own philosophy on how to treat others - it will never be wasted on your DS. The parent group you find yourself in will change and wither with time, but how and what you teach your son today will have a lasting impact. Hugs OP x

Exactly and this is why you know how the obnoxious teens that merrily exclude do this because their parents are happy to endorse this poor hosting.

"We wouldn't feel great with this as adults so why do we expect children to just accept it"

Well, precisely because they are children, and this is all part of learning to take the rough with the smooth in friendships. It sounds like OP is very invested in managing DS's relationships. He's 7. Nobody gets invited to everything. Mum sticking her oar in, however subtly she's doing it, makes it worse because it tells DS that he's someone who has to be protected and rescued. By Mum.

OP mentions 'just brushing it off' several times, as if she actually thinks that this is unhelpful and the lazy way out. I wonder if that's what happened to her as a child, and she wished an adult / Mum had intervened. It would explain the strength of her feelings. But really, it's only a 'difficult' situation for DS if the adults make it so.

On an unrelated point - talk of little kids having after parties, like some kind of rap star with their entourage, makes me cringe!

This is a very good post. I think some people are so, I guess almost scared, of their child being upset or sad that they will go to extreme lengths to prevent it, believing that it’s the best thing for their child. But it’s okay to be sad and upset sometimes, that’s part of life, and the resilience part is not by telling them to get over it and ignoring it, but by supporting them through the upsetting stuff, not avoiding it.

We all have disappointments in life, feel left out, don’t get to do X, Y or Z when others are, but the way to build a kind of ‘power’ perspective where these things don’t affect us other than fleetingly is to work through these things, not to avoid them happening entirely because then when they inevitably do happen when it’s something you can’t control, your child isn’t properly equipped to deal with it.