AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

[Snowdrops99]

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

I am relating a lack of resilience to the young people I know in my own sphere of experience who are unable to cope with life and have dropped out in various ways/at various times.
And on the fact that CAMHS has a huge waiting list and can barely cope with the number of young people & children needing support.
And I am basing it on the fact that I work with young people and see it every day

If you are not seeing it then I find that quite strange.

There’s a massive difference in not describing the gruesome details of a violent death, and lying about something that other children will not believe - and will be correct not to believe (hence my comparison with Santa Claus).

That will damage the image other children will have of him: they’ll think he’s either a liar himself or is too stupid to know he is being lied to by his parents. And that definitely won’t make him popular, quite the contrary.

But also, when he comes back for confirmation to his parents, as you say, they’ll have to lie convincingly, probably several times. It’s very hard to do that so he’s likely to suspect that something is off. Especially when his classmates are telling him so convincingly (because it’s true) that he was never invited.

So you’re risking him discovering, or strongly suspecting, that his parents lied to him and made him look foolish in the eyes of his peers - and all over something so minor.

As to thinking you’ve “struck a nerve” - no. Rather, I have had the occasion to discuss a similar situation (the more serious one) with a psychologist, when an older family member, much loved by one of my children, who was her godson, committed suicide when he was 9. Obviously nobody thought of pretending she was still alive - lies have to be convincing (see my point above), but this person was of an age to have possibly died of natural causes. Except she hadn’t, and for various reasons a number of other people knew that. It wasn’t going to be a secret among the adults around him. So while I would have wished to protect my son from knowing that his godmother had killed herself, the child psychologist told me that the likely consequences of lying to him could be much worse. Because he would inevitably find out.

So I can’t understand why you would suggest that parents risk damaging the child’s confidence that they will tell him the truth, over such a minor issue. There are such simple alternatives: why would you advise them to take such a risk?

It will be fine OP. Let him go to the laser tag (is there somewhere nice that you could go to whilst the 'party' takes place?).

Be over-protective. it's fine x

... and be aware that if you request any critique on mumsnet, you're not only going to get some sensible recommendations and help, but also some abuse.

I'm sure that you'll handle this situation admirably. x

Yes YABU. Life is not always fair. Papering every crack your child might experience in advance, is a sure fire way to kill their resilience.

We cant go through life without disappointment. The key imo, is gratitude for what we do have- in this instance he has an awesome party to go to.

The school of its never good enough, is demanding. Worth avoiding at all costs.

ETFT

You seem to have the impression I’m advocating lying about everything to a child?? I’ve never suggested that a child shouldn’t be told if a relative has died in an accident or by suicide. I’ve said that some questions a child might ask might not appropriate for them to know the answer and that may involve lying to maintain emotional safety.

I am genuinely fascinated at how my explanation of stuff that’s really common knowledge in psychology is causing such disquiet and turned into Chinese whispers where things I haven’t said are being presented to me as things I’ve said. I’m also surprised at how much animosity revealing my background has caused. I expect it on Facebook but not on Mumsnet for some reason. I’’m sorry if I’ve upset you but really, go read the work of the psychologists I mentioned and the subsequent studies that have come after. It will answer a lot of these questions.

Your reading skills aren’t great are they? For a psychologist. What on earth could make you think I said it was about “everything”? I explained in some detail the specific issues but you seem unable to deal with them.

Never mind.

CAMHS has a huge waiting list because kids and their parents are not putting-up and shutting up with mental health issues like they used to 20 years ago. Add to that our understanding of neurodiversity has improved and more children are being referred instead being left to fail. You’ll know that being on a waiting list includes those seeking assessment, and not everyone will have a diagnosable condition.

For completeness, I just looked up the figures
68% of kids are not on a waiting list or diagnosed with a mental illness
12% are experiencing likely transient difficulties, of the type expected in childhood.
20% have a diagnosable mental health disorder.

I guess when you work in that 20%, it can seem like a lot more and there’s a lot of focus on that minority in the press which doesn’t help. We really need to keep sight of the 80% of kids who are mostly doing okay too. Discussing their whole generation as if they are all broken or ‘can’t cope’ does those kids a real disservice, don’t you think? It’s deeply unkind to the 20% with a condition or disorder and plain wrong about the other 80%.

It always ends with ad homiem. 😔 I wish you well. I hope you look up the work I mentioned.

I don't think it's anywhere near this simple. The epidemic of children and young people who are unable to cope with any pressure is, I think, multifactoral. It's not just that we're better at recognising and treating conditions (although that does play a part) It's parents working longer and harder so they don't have the time to devote to their children in those first formative years. It's the increase in social media exposure which is not a normal or healthy part of child development. It's that we're so averse to allowing children to experience anything uncomfortable that we're actually in turn denying them vital childhood experiences that develop them into resilient adults. It's learned helplessness on so many levels.

If the problems were just as bad 20 years ago but were left untreated, then presumably those children - now adults - did worse than the ones who are getting treated now?
Or are you saying the NHS is so terrible that CAMHS are not treating any more children than they were 20 years ago, they’re just making longer waiting lists?

And even if that were the case for the UK, how come every other developed country is seeing similar problems of increasing mental distress among young people? They can’t all have broken healthcare systems?

It's not just that, it's also young people within the 80% who struggle with University, struggle in their first jobs and are generally lacking in basic resilience and an ability to do things on their own.

Anecdotally I know of lots of young people my own two kids' age who have dropped out of courses, exams, University and jobs because they can't cope. They aren't on CAMHS waiting lists, they aren't part of that 20% but they are floundering in finding their way partly because their parents, in a desire to shield them from all upsetting or difficult situations in their childhood, haven't prepared them for real life.

Friends of mine who employ young people are seeing this too, it's not just me.

I wouldn’t let him miss out on the main party because of this, he will have fun. However I wouldn’t have planned a party this way - it would have been one activity that everyone was invited to. If there was a group of close friends who wanted to get together after I would have arranged this for another day to avoid this situation.