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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

364 replies

Snowdrops99 · 01/07/2026 21:54

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

OP posts:
Teeheehee1579 · 01/07/2026 22:11

thismummydrinksgin · 01/07/2026 22:05

I think I’d tell him he can’t go to the party as relatives are coming. You will feel better about it and shield him from hurt, if he’s being bulled anyway why expose him to the boy anyway. Just make the decision. Not every thing has to be a lesson. We can choose peace.

god that’s so depressing.

JoyfulSpring · 01/07/2026 22:13

One of the other posters above is likely on the money with this group of kids having parents who are friendly with each other. I often find in my son's friend group (year 7) that he isn't always included as all the parents have known each other for a few years and my son only met the kids in year 7 so I have no relationship with them. I think it makes a big difference to who gets included as it's often the parents suggesting these things. Don't make him miss the actual party. He'll have a great time and you can just say not everyone gets invited to everything. It's a good life lesson even though it stings. Trust me I've had all these same feelings with my son and his 'group' but he's fine and often takes it on the chin.

Teado · 01/07/2026 22:14

I can see everyone’s point but there is a chance that the kid who’s bullied the OP’s son might take the opportunity to crow about most of the boys - but not OP’s son - going for pizza/party afterwards. If his ego is already fragile this could set him back.

I agree about resilience but kids’ parties can be a political ballache and tbh I’m glad my DCs are adults now.

Original poster
Snowdrops99 · 01/07/2026 22:15

My main issue is that this group of boys play together at school and DS will be v upset by it. He's had a few of the other kids being quite unkind to him (is this normal at 7??) and he could really do with his confidence being built up rather than knocked down.

But I get what people are saying about enjoying the party and teaching resilience too. It's a hard juggle!

OP posts:
Moonnstarz · 01/07/2026 22:15

That is silly to make him miss the main party. As they get older this can happen. My daughter has been to a few parties where they have been at home and done party games or crafting in the afternoon and a party tea, with 3-4 friends then being invited to sleepover. Last year she wasn't included to sleepover but this year she was.
Don't be that mum that makes a fuss over nothing.

Original poster
Snowdrops99 · 01/07/2026 22:16

@Teado this is how I feel... It's another arrow in his back with the bullying boy being invited and he's not

OP posts:
Moonnstarz · 01/07/2026 22:16

Why would he be that upset? You don't mention it or just keep it to well maybe they can't invite everyone.
You could always host a sleepover in the holidays if you are worried he misses out socially.

SweepSqueaks · 01/07/2026 22:17

Yabu. He’s been in to an exciting activity for a birthday party. You have accepted the invitation.

Now you have ‘heard’ that the child is having some friends over.

So you want to stop your child from going to a birthday party he would enjoy?

BeMellowAquaSquid · 01/07/2026 22:18

An after party?!

SweepSqueaks · 01/07/2026 22:19

An arrow in his back!

You are in danger of making this child a gibbering wreak of worries.

He has been invited to a party. Let him go to the party.

MyThreeWords · 01/07/2026 22:20

In your own words, the boys aren't particularly close. It's lovely that your ds has nonetheless been invited to the larger party. I don't know why you think he should also have been invited to the after-party. Naturally it is going to be a smaller gathering if it is at home, and so a few kids will have been left off the list -- lots, in fact: all of the girls and nearly half of the boys. Why should that make your son feel singled out?
Children are invited to some social events and not others. Same as adults. The best way to protect your son's self-esteem is to model a completely relaxed response to that, otherwise he might start to feel like not being particularly close friends with everyone somehow points to a failure or fault in him

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/07/2026 22:21

It’s up to you. That’s pretty normal in my experience when there is an after party. It’s a calmer atmosphere with really close friends. You’ve no idea how close they are outside your DS relationship.
Just plan something for DS after the laser tag. It’s not a cheap invite, so the mother will probably be relieved saving £20. Don’t bite your nose to spite your face.

Notrainingbutpouring · 01/07/2026 22:21

Teeheehee1579 · 01/07/2026 22:03

We do this - main party then a very small handful of closest friends back afterwards to hang out. I’m quite certain others do it too where my DS is not invited. 5 out of 14 going back is a very small handful. Don’t make him miss the party itself - if he asks you just say it was only a few and when it’s his party he can do the same or whatever. You do need to teach him some resilience I’m afraid with this sort of thing. The birthday boy is entitled to have his closest friends back and your DS should be pleased to be invited to the main event.

yes the second tier should be so grateful 😂

PurpleThistle7 · 01/07/2026 22:22

This is interesting as I told my son he couldn’t do this. He wanted to have a laser tag party like last year but have his 4 besties stay over after. I said he had to pick one as it just felt wrong to split the party. But maybe I was being over sensitive! He was delighted with his sleepover party in the end but will think again when he asks next year.

PepsiBook · 01/07/2026 22:24

You are excluding him yourself by not allowing him to go to a fun party.
Most of the kids are not invited to the after party. Excluding someone would be if everyone was except for your child.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/07/2026 22:24

5 friends for a sleepover so 6 in all is enough

9 other kids aren’t going back either

Bufftailed · 01/07/2026 22:24

5 out of 14 are not going overnight, frame it that way. Best he goes

Bushmillsbabe · 01/07/2026 22:26

PurpleThistle7 · 01/07/2026 22:22

This is interesting as I told my son he couldn’t do this. He wanted to have a laser tag party like last year but have his 4 besties stay over after. I said he had to pick one as it just felt wrong to split the party. But maybe I was being over sensitive! He was delighted with his sleepover party in the end but will think again when he asks next year.

I was thinking this too. DD10 asked if she could have 7 -8 during day and then 3 of them sleepover. I told this would be super awkward and feel like she is 'ranking' her guests. But many of the responses on here seem to think would be an OK thing to do?

whatcanthematterbe81 · 01/07/2026 22:27

I think to get invited at all is nice when I’m sure the class is more than double the 14 invited. I think it’s a non issue. Some people are closer than others

EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/07/2026 22:27

He might be asked back on the day. DD always invited kids back and I planned for a few kids but she’d announce it to them all.
Those were the days when she was a confident little kid before she turned into a quiet mouse.
The boy probably asked a select few. The parent sounds really kind and inclusive so it might just be that she gave a number for the after party. On the day it might be different.

Wingwalk · 01/07/2026 22:27

Sounds like he lacks resilience and he probably learned it from you

Original poster
Snowdrops99 · 01/07/2026 22:28

I don't know, my feeling is that if I went out for lunch with some friends and then found out a select group of 5 / 8 were going back to someone's house for drinks etc id feel pretty left out. Especially if one of those people was being quite nasty to me. I don't think that's abnormal?

I should add that in this group of 14 the boys play together and the girls are more due to the parents friendships. So really this is about the boys and their friendship.

At the same time it's obviously been difficult recently with all this horrible behaviour starting in the last few months. Maybe I could have brushed it off a bit more before now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdrops99 · 01/07/2026 22:29

@PurpleThistle7 @Bushmillsbabe In some ways I feel that if you're selecting a group, why not just keep the whole party to that group if they are your actual best friends?

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/07/2026 22:31

PurpleThistle7 · 01/07/2026 22:22

This is interesting as I told my son he couldn’t do this. He wanted to have a laser tag party like last year but have his 4 besties stay over after. I said he had to pick one as it just felt wrong to split the party. But maybe I was being over sensitive! He was delighted with his sleepover party in the end but will think again when he asks next year.

No, not over sensitive. I never allowed my children play flavour of the month with friends.
I didn’t like when it happened to me as a child, it’s a strick no no. They ain’t having that control over anyone.

saraclara · 01/07/2026 22:31

One of the other posters above is likely on the money with this group of kids having parents who are friendly with each other

That. If he says anything, I'd just tell him that just a few of the others are going back to the house because their mums and dads are friends.

It's weird that you're worried about him being upset about not being there, yet you're prepared to upset him much more by telling him he can't go to the activity part.