AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

[Snowdrops99]

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

And I think almost every single parent has had a similar situation where their child is disappointed not to have been invited somewhere, invitations have gone out in playground and they haven’t received, they think they are good friends with Freddie but turns out Freddie doesn’t think so. It’s not an unusual situation, it’s a pretty ubiquitous childhood experience, so trying to avoid it isn’t really going to help. You’re just kicking the can down the road.

Approach it with a positive mindset (and that will also influence how your child perceives it). He’s been invited to a party, he will get to play and enjoy time with his peers, he has been included. Don’t focus on what he hasn’t been included in. That sort of negative thinking can spill over into everything, and a positive perspective helps to build strong, resilient children. Instead of ‘It’s awful he has been left out of this second part’ reframe it as ‘It’s great that he’s been invited to a party when he’s been struggling socially’.

I don’t want to bang on about ‘power perspectives’ as it sounds a bit crunchy and woo but I genuinely do think that the way parents view and frame these things matters so much with a young child. He will take his lead from you.

It’s only hurtful if he sees it as that. OP clearly has unresolved issues from her own life but resilience is being able to deal with the fact that not everyone will like you or include you.

I can’t believe some people are suggesting speaking to the mother.

Not everything has to be a rejection - friendships should be a positive thing but teaching your kids to not be needy is a massive service to them as they get older.

The fact that it would bother you to that extent as an adult suggests that you didn’t have the chance to build up your own resilience.

You can’t force someone to include a person in an event, I think that’s messed up. It isn’t the OP’s son’s birthday, when it is I’m sure he will be allowed to celebrate it how he likes.

I can’t stand it, adults teaching kids to be mean girls dressed up as resilience building.. All good until it’s there child on the receiving end.

It’s rude. I wouldn’t as an example arrange a trio to the movies with 6 work friends and then tell 1 of them at the end.. You’ll have to make your own way home Sandra we’re all of for drinks because that would obviously upset Sandra.

I wonder if the OP felt outraged on behalf of the kids we aren’t invited to any part of the party?

In the case of the opening post it's the minority who are going to the boy's house after - the polar opposite of your straw man leaving only one person out without warning and potentially without a way to get home. Fourteen children are invited and only five going back to his afterwards.

The hyperbole and out of context projection is really getting going on this thread.

Nobody (except the mum of the invitee maybe) needs to build resilience, nobody is being excluded, because the majority are going to Lazer tag but not back to his.

Fifteen including birthday child for Lazer tag is a normal number for the activity, but fifteen seven year olds back to the birthday child's house to play video games obviously isn't practical.

The set up is a completely normal way to do an older child's birthday and has been for at least a decade plus - my youngest is fifteen and my oldest twenty two and this style of party was completely normal throughout the time all of them were in the 8-14 is bracket. None of them were traumatised or had to attend resilience workshops, kids are fine with the set-up because they are not the only ones not invited and like to go to the laser tag/ trampoline/ go karting/ whatever bit for friendly "mates" and don't care about the best friends bit after unless it's actually their best friend whose house they're constantly at and vice versa anyway , so they feel comfortable there.

Where do you draw the line with that thinking though?

Presumably the birthday boy is in a class of 30 pupils. At least half of them weren't invited to either party. Are the parents cruel for not inviting them too?

You accepted the party invite or have kept it going until you found out there was a second party. I think kids need to learn they are not always invited to everything.

seems a little odd to not just invite another 3, but there you go, maybe the Mum knows one of the boys is an issue and is keeping numbers down - or they have a small house / personal things going on.

You can say no, but I think it off if only really based on the fact he isn’t going to the second party / if he was invited to the pizza too would you still send him?

Really u fair to make him miss out.
”After party” is adult spin, he won’t call it that. He won’t even find out about it if you don’t tell him.
If he does make light of it. The main thing is he was invited to the main party.

Sounds more like you are jealous on his behalf and want to throw your toys out of the pram by stopping him going at all.
Laser Tag will be much better for him than the desired sitting around playing video games and eating pizza anyway!

Well then Sandra would probably need to get a grip. Expecting to be included in everything is far ruder than most things.

I honestly don’t know how some people get through life being that over sensitive. And the expectation that everyone must be included leads to people being invited even though they aren’t actually wanted.

Unfortunately, he has to learn at some point that you can't (& won't) be invited to everything........and he's not going to learn if you pull him out of things to avoid disappointment.
I say let him go to the main party and explain, if needed, that there was only limited space for after so not everyone could go. It's a very good, and relatively gentle, life lesson for him.

I’d only decline the laser tag if my DC was the only one not invited afterwards. There are others not attending the pizza. If you decline the first activity your DS will miss out on socialising with all the children, and the associated chat at school, which will ultimately exclude him further.

Firstly the OP is about mainly boys so the mean girls comment is irrelevant.

Secondly if you think forcing people to include everyone is reasonable then that isn’t very kind.

Maybe it’s because I’m ND but I would prefer to be excluded than invited just out of duty. I understand that I’m an outlier in MN terms though as people would rather ask for an invitation for themselves or their child instead of accepting that they may not be wanted everywhere

By pulling him out, he is also missing out on the laser tag, and excluding him further.

the parents will of paid per person to attend, so it’s rather unfair to pull him out now too. You could just ask what’s going on afterwards instead?

i don’t think excluding him further is going to help.

14 people are invited to the party. Your DS is one of them.

The parents are then throwing another separate celebration for their child and a smaller group of friends. Only 5.

Your attitude is pretty entitled.
It is okay for your child not to be in the minority that was invited. Your child will get invited to somethings and not others. It’s a good lesson for him to learn from you how to handle this. That lesson is NOT throwing your dummy out of the pram because you don’t get your own way.

He should go to the party and enjoy it. He can then come home and spend time with relatives.

He is not being isolated. There are fewer children attending the house than the actual party. Maybe your son is not as good friends with this child as you both think whereas bully might be good friends with the birthday kid.

Op do you have support, is his father on the scene?

i think of course bullying is hard, but he’s been invited to the main party so he’s clearly well,liked or he wouldn’t be. Pulling him out will give such negative feelings to him from the other kids, and he will miss an opportunity to socialise and have fun with them all.

also don’t be sitting him down and making a big thing of the after party , the boy and his parents are not excluding him, don’t even mention it,your reaction is extreme, you even said as an adult you’d not accept that, which is really shocking, to feel so entitled, as an adult the natural reaction would be great party thanks for the invite and move on, if it came up. Then have fun.

if it comes up you just say yeah just a few as they don’t have space and then immediately change the subject, so did you enjoy the party, what shall we do tonight kind of thing and don’t go giving him extra perks like some form of consolation prize as he will think then something bad has happened to him, and that’s why you’re doing that. Just act normal. No big deal move on.

it says something is off on your own radar and it is important that’s not passed to your son, so having a support network to check your reactions is important. Or even always just ask oh here.

This is really crappy behaviour from the other parent IMO. It's essentially teaching your kids that it's ok to leave people out but invite them when it suits you. The kids who aren't invited will probably wonder what they've done wrong.

Some parents are such obnoxious twunts.

He’ll hear all about it at school anyway, talk to him about not being able to do/ invited to everything, as he gets older this will happen more and more when kids start organising there own things.

This is the norm?

I've genuinely never experienced this at another party, nor have I done this myself. If I'm throwing any sort of party for my kids, all of their friends are invited to the same parts. I wouldn't invite half the class to a party then invite a handful to an after party. That's just cruel IMO

Agree with what an earlier poster said about making your own plans for the evening whether it's with the other excluded boys or otherwise. In these situations I tell my child myself but say they aren't able to go because we have our own plans so they know about the after party as they will find out but aren't too sad about being excluded, wondering why etc.

In what way is it cruel? Kids usually have friends they play with in a group context (big group playground games at school, hobby sports team mates or whatever) and a smaller, closer group of friends who they spend more time with (play at one another's houses and when old enough have sleep overs 1:1 and in small groups).
How is including both groups in your birthday party cruel? Adults very much do the same thing with weddings, for example.
Is it not crueler to exclude the rest of the class completely?

It's only cruel if you invite the majority to something and exclude a minority.

If you only invite 1/3 of a group you're not being cruel to 2/3 of the group. If you think like that then children really can't have parties or play dates unless they always invite everyone, which obviously isn't practical.

Nonsense. A whole bunch of children the birthday child generally likes and/or whose invitations they are reciprocating are invited to the party. Their closest friends, the kids they always socialise with, might be invited to something low-key in their house later. It’s hardly the kind of nightclub with VIP inner room, or Little Match Girl staring sadly through the window scenario the more socially insecure poster seems to be imagining.

Hope he has a great time OP.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a party for 14 and then a low key gathering for 5 - though maybe a bit tactless. 14 kids might not fit in their house, let alone all be able to share a video game console. And for most people, laser tag is more exciting than video games.

Part of having friends is accepting that you won't always be their closest friend, you can feel a bit of jealousy for that but still enjoy the friendship for what it is.