AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

[Snowdrops99]

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

I agree. This point jarred particularly:

Your version of the party (can’t go because of relatives) is the safe explanation he can exist in. Maybe he’ll be told differently by classmates and that’s okay because he can come back to you and your safe explanation that protects his self-esteem.

Ignoring all the flowery language, if OP lies to her son by telling him the reason he's not going to the sleepover is because he has family visiting, it's going to be embarrassing if/when her son (who is already being bullied) finds out the truth from his peers, that he wasn't invited in the first place. Especially if he repeats the lie his mum has told him about his relatives. At 7yo, his friends are not going to be concerned about what version of truth he is existing in or what impact this has self esteem.

Lying is setting him up to fail IMO.

There are 14 children going to the party and 5 to video games afterwards.
So there are 9 children not going i.e. a clear majority.

It’s so strange. I’m meeting friends for a show this weekend. I would be a bit taken aback if half had planned dinner afterwards and hadn’t said it! I don’t think it’s about resilience either as it would feel different if arranged for another day etc.

If he's been bullied by one of the boys going back to the party boys house, why would you even want him to go? I'd let him go to the party, he's been invited to the main party and it's not like all the kids invited are going back to the birthday boys house. I could see that you'd be upset if everyone was going back, apart from your son, but that's not the case here. I think you're being unreasonable.

But that's a completely different situation. The fact that you can't see the difference puts you in exactly the same category as the OP and other melodramatic projecters on the thread, where you're answering out of your own social insecurity rather than anything to do with the actual situation.

People comparing this to an event with adults are missing the point spectacularly: inviting a group of tired, hyped-up 7 year-olds to your home for an overnight stay is not the same as adults going to dinner after a play (or whatever) - there’s an issue of responsibility and safety that makes it sensible to limit numbers to half a dozen.

It’s just not the same thing, and the parents taking offence and removing their child from the whole party are just cutting his nose off to spite their faces - or something.

They’re making him more socially isolated. He won’t be invited to the next party because “he doesn’t go to parties”. Counterproductive IMO.

But that's not remotely the same scenario. Firstly, I'm assuming there is a small number of friends to start with, so missing anyone out is very pointed. Secondly, dinner after a show is something you can easily invite yourself to if these people are good friends (and if they really didn't want you to go, then you might want to reconsider your idea of friends).

A better analogy will be someone organising a group from work to go to a show where some of the people are good friends, some know each other well enough but aren't particularly friends, and some don't really know each other at all. Then a few of the people that are good friends go to dinner at someone's house afterwards. Would you really expect them to invite the whole group?

The difference being that I’m an adult and they are a child so therefore they should suck it up and be “resilient”?
what is the difference apart from that?

Actually if someone invited themselves to something I would not consider them a friend going forward anyway

But why bother inviting the bigger crowd to the laser then? Why not just invite the smaller group for the whole day? Your comparison has people you don’t really know which presumably isn’t the case with this bday party!
personally I don’t do two tiers , didn’t even do after invites for my wedding - I aim to be polite, warm and kind in life, but each to their own!
I think your point about considering what constitutes a friendship is a good one and something to encourage kids to explore - if they are unwelcoming/ want you at certain times but not others/create social hierarchies, are they really someone you want to be close to! You might still want to go to the laser party and I’d support the child in that, but I’d also support them if they chose not to and I would certainly be empathic to my child’s feelings, rather than telling him to get over it.

There is an awful lot of projection and overthinking on this thread and I honestly think this is part of why kids seem to have so many issues these days.
Maybe I'm just being harsh but I really don't see the big deal here, it's really not that deep is it?

Invited to the main event, great, not that close to the birthday child so not invited to the sleepover - which will probably be hideous anyway & will result in grumpy, hyped up children high on sugar arguing and then struggling to sleep.

Just send him to the main event which is the laser thing and be glad he isn't at the other bit which will probably be not that great. 🤷‍♀️

Projecting much?

Because 7 year olds' birthday parties aren't like weddings.

Because they're small children still figuring out friendships and often floating around different friendships and friendships groups. The four close friends being invited back to the house might well be four entirely different kids in September.

Because at 7, there are still loads of full class birthday parties, so invitations are being reciprocated among children who aren't (currently) one another best buddies.

Thinking there's a 'social hierarchy' in this just speaks of your own insecurity. The 7 year old in question doesn't even know about this other event, and is quite possibly unlilkely to want to attend a smaller event that involves his bully, even if it involves playing video games.

Firstly, I think its great that he is going to the lazer party. He will enjoy all the running around.

But speaking from experience and having been in the same situation I would say that you have plenty of time to teach him about resilience... He's 7, he's going to a party - that's all he needs to focus on. Not the downside.

You have years of primary school to navigate... This is really not a problem to get upset about. Please separate it from the bullying issues. He is invited. That is a win. He is being included which means you currently have the co-operation of the other parents. That is valuable if you feel he is having a hard time at school and its not worth feeling slighted. As he moves through school there will be many many times where a friend only invites two other friends. Sometimes it will be his turn, sometimes it won't.. This is where you need to adopt a shrug your shoulders approach - that's resilience.. because there are other things he will be going to and other fun things he can do. Don't invest too much importance in one events.

Forget about the "after party"... they will all be so tired and over excited at the party and stuffed with cake and sugar and, the after party will not be as exciting as the main event. The other parent probably didn't want to have too many people perhaps because they knew the first party would be really full on.

You have so much time to organise some events that you can be in control of and can organise them the way you want. By the following Monday the party will be OLD NEWS. so you don't want your boy to still be thinking about it.

It's good to talk to your son about this, but if possible I would just emphasise the actual party and not gone on to him before hand about how he's not been invited to the after party and must be resilient because he's then got to go to the party feeling deflated. Its better to say you're going to the party and then seeing the relatives. Its not an excuse its what is actually happening. Don't make him feel that he's missing out on the best bit. Its not the best bit. It's fine to say we can't go to everything. The "after party" doesn't deserve this much attention. The confidence comes from thinking he has other things to do so it doesn't matter. He will pick up on your attitude to it.
If you are really worried about the bullying then speak to his class teacher. Look at the schools website for their bullying policy.
I would also be very very very careful what you say to other parents about this, parents at school rarely keep a secret unless you know them really well. That may not even be with bad intent.. but it leaks out and it won't help you.

Building his confidence is what will make him resilient.
if he's being bullied it helps to build his out of school confidence, so that he has a wide range of things to focus on - build some friendships with people he says he gets on with and plan some nice things to do with them, like a fun film at the weekend or a trip to the skateboard park or just playing video games together. Find some after school activities or clubs he can do, swimming, or sports or music or drama, so he has things to look forward with people outside his school class. Most parents will be grateful for their son to have playdates in the summer holidays and that will help your son too.
Wishing you and your son all the very best.

I’m not “projecting” or managing my own insecurities. I work as a clinical psychologist specialising with children and I see the impact exclusion can have on some kids. Granted I see the cohort where it’s impacted their mental health to a significant degree so probably lots of kids that if doesn’t bother and I don’t see those so probably over sensitive to children’s well being. However my work has made me very mindful that children are often impacted by things adults dismiss as unimportant. I’m not sure why you’re so triggered about the idea that I favour inclusivity unless this is something you do for your kids? If it is, rock on, it doesn’t look like this thread will encourage any reflection.

This is not exclusion, for heaven's sake. He's been invited to a party.

He's been invited, so let him go! You say he doesn't get invited to much and now you're going to avoid the one he is invited to?

Mumsnet bottom feeders- ignore - sadly come with the territory. Anyways came to say, as a child I would have been hurt by this exclusion too. As a parent I would not allow this afterparty party . It smacks of creating exclusivity. Do it on a separate day if it is a numbers thing.

Then only invite 6. I think this is really thoughtless and setting up unnecessary upset

Psychologists are not priests? Yes lying is sometimes appropriate with children (and adults) to protect their feelings? Surely that’s obvious? From Father Christmas to where babies come from, to what really happened to the family cat - lies or curated versions of the truth are often the kinder response.

If we were talking about the death of family member in a hideous accident lies might very well be appropriate to tell a child. You obviously wouldn’t pretend the person was still alive. However, the child will inevitably ask questions about the where the truthful answer will involve an element of gore and imagery not appropriate for a child. This is where you lie. This family member will be mentioned again in the future, and when they’re old enough, you can clarify the finer details and admit to lying to them as a child about the circumstances. We are not talking about creating family secrets that go on for decades. Winnicott is probably the seminal psychologist in the field of balancing reality and safety in child development if you’re interested. Vyotsky talks of ZPD and communicating within a child’s zone of understanding and capacity.

I get the sense I touched on a nerve though? To see lying as bad and truth as good is very black and white. It’s not how the world really works. Telling an acquaintance you hated their present is truthful but bad. Telling a bride they look beautiful when you don’t think they do, would be lying but it’s the right thing to do.

So you wept in corners when other children had playdates with their friends? Because that’s what this is.

Why is it so difficult for so many Mners to grasp that it’s fine for people to prefer other people to you?

What I actually suggested was going to the party and just not mentioning it. And only IF it’s mentioned to the son by another child, OP takes the line that he was not able to go because of plans with relatives- strictly speaking that isn’t a lie, it’s just not the only reason he’s not going.

Kids are a lot more likely after the event to talk about what they got up to, not who was invited and who wasn’t invited and why? If anyone does question why the son wasn’t at the after party he can just say he had to spend time with relatives, the kid whose party was can say they weren’t invited both things are true and can exist at the same time.

That might have been your intention but that's not how your post came across, it sounded as though you were saying he should avoid the whole thing & the OP should use the relatives line as an excuse.

Your reply here sounds more sensible and similar to what many others, myself included, have suggested.

See my comment above. A lie to say that you have to spend time with your relative after the party it’s just not the only reason they’re not going to this after party.

I’m really not seeing an increase in children with a lack of resilience. I’m seeing children who are impressively aware of their vulnerabilities and are not ashamed to be open about that. If you equate resilience with an unhealthy suppressing of emotions, you probably do think young people can’t cope.

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. We are talking about 15 kids going to a party and 5 going back for a sleepover. Obviously the mum wanted her child to have fun all day. A party which is over in a couple of hours and a sleepover so the fun continues. Thd OP is fussing over nithing. I hope her DS isnt picking up on her annoyance.
I wonder if rents of other 14 children not going to after party are making an issue of it. I doubt it.!

This is about you not your son. He's not the only one not being invited back and while you say the others bully him, if he's that left out why was he invited to the laser tag thing? The birthday boy obviously wants him there.
And speaking of the birthday boy, it's his day not yours. His mum probably doesn't want a house full of and maybe she knows the families of the 5 boys going back.... I get it's upsetting but I think you're taking this way too personally.