AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

[Snowdrops99]

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

Teach him resilience, he will be fine

Maybe there's only room for 6?

Could it be that the parents of the birthday child are friends with the parents of these boys? So it’s more like a casual get together with the adults to extend the party? It seems strange to have a presumably expensive party for 15 children and then another one at home straight after!

That's quite shoddy from the dps..

So, instead of missing out on one nice thing, he's going to miss out on 2?
And have to listen to it all at school anyway.
Id go to the "laser tag" bit.

My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.
And yet he's been invited and you want to pull out.

I think it’s fine op, stop splitting by gender, 14 kids are at the main party, 5 invited back to the house, they will not be able to take many more. As such 9 kids are not invited, your kid being one,

you can’t expect him to be invited to everything , I’m sorry he’s being bullied but this is part of growing up you need to explain this to them, the boy is entitled to have just a close group at home,

We had similar with DS2 years ago, except he was the only child not invited, we made excuses for him to not attend.

I don't think that counts as exclusion, personally. If it was the whole party bar 2 or 3, or all the boys bar your son then that would be different. But this seems more like all the children he likes being invited to the party and his closer friends having a playdate afterwards. I'd still let your son go and enjoy the laser tag. He may not even realise there's more later and, if he does, there are more children not going than going.

Is the way this is written confusing people. Why is it shoddy.

14 kids at main party, 5 at home, there is nothing shoddy about that,

This

Stop seeing problems when there are positives

It’s not remotely similar, 9 kids are not invited,

children just aren’t invited to everything all
of the time and he needs to learn that this is ok. I wouldn’t take away the whole party from him if he wants to go just because the parents have arranged something else in their day….

OP, please don't. That is the sort of mistake I used to make, through being over-sensitive about DC. And it really doesn't help them to relax socially.

You need to teach a bit of resilience, how to handle disappointment, and not to bitterly judge others for sometimes choosing not to include him. Teach him to be relaxed about this, and it will help him far more, socially, than teaching him to feel excluded and bitter. He has been invited to the lazer tag. That's great. Have him go to that and organise to go out for pizza as a family afterwards, or invite the boys who aren't going to the after-party back to yours for pizza and film.

That’s completely different though

why woukd you stop him going to the actual birthday party with the lazer tag op??

its fine for kids not to be invited to absolutely everything !!

maybe he isn’t aa close to the birthday person as the other boys are,but either way stomping your feet and withdrawing him from the main event seems very over kill

We do this - main party then a very small handful of closest friends back afterwards to hang out. I’m quite certain others do it too where my DS is not invited. 5 out of 14 going back is a very small handful. Don’t make him miss the party itself - if he asks you just say it was only a few and when it’s his party he can do the same or whatever. You do need to teach him some resilience I’m afraid with this sort of thing. The birthday boy is entitled to have his closest friends back and your DS should be pleased to be invited to the main event.

I think you're 'cutting off your nose to spite your face' a little bit there.

Why make him miss out on a fun activity and chance to bond with his peers just because he hasn't been invited to something else. I don't think he even really needs to know, but if he does help him to manage any disappointment he might feel.

Dealing with disappointment is a crucial life skill and it's your job to teach him how to do it. Avoid disappointment because it makes you uncomfortable/sad is doing him a disservice.

take him to the party he’s been invited to. This is a shining opportunity to create stronger friendships with his peer group.

So 5 out of 14 children invited to the party are doing something after and you now don’t want your child to go to the party if they aren’t included in everything, even though you accept they aren’t overly close friends?

Your own reactions are really going to limit your child’s social life.

I think I’d tell him he can’t go to the party as relatives are coming. You will feel better about it and shield him from hurt, if he’s being bulled anyway why expose him to the boy anyway. Just make the decision. Not every thing has to be a lesson. We can choose peace.

By any chance does the mum drive a people carrier and that's all she'll fit it? Maybe her and dad and the son was told to pick 5 because she didn't have room for anymore?
Could you raise your concern with the mum if you are close to her? Maybe say that son has been getting a hard time lately off little Peter and I think if he finds out he's not invited to the after bit he might be really disheartened so I hope you don't mind if he misses the party as he's been really down lately and you don't think this will help the situation.

You’re being precious, OP. Just send DS to the party element, let him enjoy it, come home before it gets too intense, particularly if there’s been any picking on/bullying vibes.

Ive done parties in this format before (large group for an activity, smaller core for a sleepover afterwards) and it works well for the party kid. It also works for most other parents who don’t want their kid sleeping over at a house they’ve on the whole never even visited for a playdate before. You can’t be best friends with everyone!

Surely you understand the party family can’t have all 15 kids sleeping over?

This is the saddest option.
did that you’re just pushing your own insecurities on your child. Why would you do that?

Please don’t raise your concern with the mum - I’d be so annoyed if you did this - I’d feel you were trying to force my hand to have your son or else he wasn’t coming to the party. It really will not help your sons friendships.