AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

[Snowdrops99]

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

If you've said yes to the party, then I would say that is a commitment and he should go. If he becomes aware of the after party and is upset then that's a chance to teach him about handling disappointment. If not, you're just raising a child to think if they're left out it's something shameful and terrible when really it's usually just real life since the birthday boy can't be best friends with everyone.

YABveryU.

He has been invited to a small group party (Not a whole class) and you want to pull him out? That's the best way to ensure he is never invited again? My close friends (and their children) have often stayed or come back to ours after a party because they are my friends, not to exclude the other children invited to the actual party.
If he's not confident (and not often invited), I would try and boost his confidence by making a big thing of the party itself and dismiss the bit he is missing by telling him it's the parents getting together, not an "after party".

Wouldn’t you be cutting off your nose to spite your face? He is 7, not as close enough friend for the small do, and you have visitors anyway.

This 'teach them resilience' thing is the biggest load of bullshit. Bullying is harmful and damages lives and childhoods. Time we got out of that regressive 1950s 'resilience' bs. It's what gets children suiciding from bullying. They feel they have no adult they can trust that takes them seriously.

And yet the OP wants her bullied child to spend more time with his bully, by being invited to the after party gathering at the birthday child’s.

This would annoy me because only boys seem to have been invited to have pizza and video games and it's so stereotypical, I'd just be over it even if it's accidental.

I don't think anyone is suggesting OP's son be more resilient to bullying, but your response captures how OP is bundling the party and the bullying into one issue (and seemingly getting a bit muddled in the process - it seems as though she wants her son to be at a sleepover with his bully?) when they're two separate things and require two very different approaches.

This. Not being invited to an event isn’t bullying. The OP should stop wailing about ‘exclusion’ when what she means is ‘I’ve heard about another event my child isn’t invited to, like the majority of those attending the party’ and focus on making sure the bullying she refers to doesn’t recur. Far from being ‘damaged’, child doesn’t even know about the ‘after party’. The only way he’s going to be ‘damaged’ by it is if the OP pulls him from the main party in a juvenile huff.

I think if you were to pull out now you will make things far, far worse for your son. For one thing, the parents will be pissed off with you pulling out a couple of days beforehand, having accepted, so that costs them money. Can you really see your son being invited to any other parties when word gets round that you did this? You said he doesn’t get invited to much anyway. Then the other kids will be bonding at the laser tag. If your son isn’t there, he’ll be even more on the outside of the group, and you may find the bullying ends up even worse! Whereas if he goes, maybe he can work on his friendships with the nicer kids and find he has an easier time at school going forwards. Plus, if he beats the bully at laser tag I imagine that will make him feel pretty good lol!

Let him go and just point out that more kids aren’t going that are to the second part if he mentions it. The birthday boy was probably told he can invite 5 friends back and that’s it - maybe their table only seats 6 and the parents want them to eat at the table. Maybe there’s only room for 6 of them in whatever room they’re using. Maybe they thought 5 was a good number because if they went higher, they’d need to change it to all 9 boys as it wouldn’t be fair to leave out only 1.

This does happen as they get older and kids have sleepovers as well as a main party. They do notice, and mine have asked why in the past. I just tell them that not everyone can be invited to everything, and I'd ask one of the non-sleepover kids back to ours for a play.

I feel like you're making something much bigger out of it that it needs to be and that you're projecting your own insecurities. I have a friend who is like this and it adds another layer of stress and worry and faff to everything when no one involved has any malicious intentions. e.g. I'll have a party or gathering with a mix of groups of friends and she'll be messaging our little group worrying about what some other woman who went to school with us will judge her for or think of her outfit. The other woman is also a friend of mine and she's messaging in another group also worrying about what to wear and saying she's looking forward to seeing my other mates again. I just want everyone to come along and have a nice time.

As others have suggested, there's likely a logistical reason for the smaller group going to the house. The big deal, the party, the celebration is the Laserquest thing and your child made the cut for the invitation list for that thing that costs money and takes a bunch of organising. With 14 kids going to that, he's in the majority who aren't going to the house later.

Why can't he go to the party and you pick him up and do something fun together after or let him pick a film to watch at home or go visit some other friends or go for a walk at the beach. Shift the focus, the laser party's then not the only thing in the day. There's less of a "missing out" vibe because he's doing something else or going somewhere else after the party that he'll enjoy.

And inviting 'some of them' would exclude another group of children!

None of this is necessary.

Maybe OP should start thinking about all the classmates who are 'excluded' from the laser quest party.

That's how ridiculous it is to dwell on her son not being invited for pizza.

You are being precious.

Kids need to learn that everything doesn't always go their way, it builds resilience. I wouldn't want all of those kids back at my house so he has chosen those he is closest to probably!

Kindly, you're overthinking this. I did a swimming party once for my middle DD and she invited all the kids in her class for the 60 minute pool session so there were 28 of them. It was a leisure centre with a big pool and toddler pool, and we included parents/siblings who also wanted to get in. But the party area that you can use for cake/games afterwards for another hour was on a small balcony and you could have a maximum of 12 kids. Cue some very indignant parents who were not happy that their kids weren't included even though I'd done party bags with cake for all 28 kids plus spare for siblings .... I was made to feel dreadful. DD had only wanted her immediate friends for that part so I had let her choose who stayed on.

😮You did a whole class party and then only fed a small group of them, letting the others see what they were missing out on?

I'm not a fan of parties that have an A list and a B list with the A list doing something afterwards. It does make the B list kids feel a bit crap, so I didn't let mine do that. They could have a sleepover or whatever a separate time rather than doing that. It's mean girl/boy behaviour.
Likewise I wouldn't go out for the day with adults and then say "You, you and you can now come back to my house for dinner but you and you can't."

Agreed.

For everyone suggesting OP's son has his own sleepover that same night, unless OP's son has friend/s he would genuinely have a sleepover with (who were also not invited to to so called "after party") this clearly sends a passive aggressive message that OP is disgruntled her son wasn't included and has created a "rival" sleepover to prove a point. It's just a bit weird, especially considering she'll have presumably accepted the hospitality the birthday boy's family offered in the day (I can't imagine laser quest for 14 children is cheap).

Presumably you're also suggesting that OP's son invites all 9 children that weren't included in the after party. Because if not, and he's selective (for whatever reason), then OP is doing exactly what she's upset about in the first place.

Yes that's weird.

This is not the same scenario OP is describing at all.

It's only difficult if you make it difficult. Explain it breezily, move the conversation along, distract with the visiting relatives. It's only a thing if you make it a thing.

If you are busy anyway then there is no need for him to know he is ‘excluded.’ You just say ‘sorry son, we can only go to the main party because we are busy this afternoon.’ And give him some game time another time to make up for it.

My Son was in a similar position to yours and its heartbreaking for them. My advice is you need to get him to go and then work hard at arranging play dates with the kind boys so he has a good friend network. You can build his confidence this way. Leaving kids out will worsen his troubles as friends will group without him then. X

Let him go and explain that their house isn’t big enough so only 5 closer friends are going to the after party.

why would you want him at an after party with a bully anyway?

it’s great he’s been invited and chance to make some closer friendships.

this kinda stuff will happen throughout life I’m afraid but it’s how you spin it.

Why is the MN answer to bullying always for the victim to learn resilience, as if it is because the victim is in some way at fault and that's why they get bullied?

It is not for the victim to learn to tolerate being bullied. It is for the adults to step in and stop the bully from doing the bullying.