AIBU to cancel after my son was excluded from the after-party?

[Snowdrops99]

DS 7 is due to go to a birthday party this weekend at a location around a 30 minute drive away, similar party to laser tag with activity then party food and cake. They've invited 9 boys and 5 girls from the class. The boys play together at school but I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close.

Anyway, it turns out there's an after party back at the birthday boys house, with 5 of the 8 boys invited to play video games and eat pizza. DS hasn't been invited to this part of the party. I know he'll be so upset when he finds out as he loves those activities. He'd choose doing that over laser tag I think. I'm thinking of withdrawing him from the party as we have relatives visiting anyway. That way I can take the blame and he doesn't feel his peers have left him out.

Aibu to cancel him going to the party to avoid him feeling completely left out?

Backstory - DS been dealing with some bullying issues from one of the boys in this group of 5 and his self esteem is already pretty low. I worry this could make things even worse for him.
In addition, I know that one of the 3 who are excluded have been unkind to the birthday boy at times recently so that feels like this boy is being excluded deliberately. My DS is quieter than the other boys so not the first on everyone's list to be invited to things.

How come you know all the details?

Who’s going to the party, who’s going back to the house, who needs a lift, who doesn’t, who the birthday boys parents are friends with?

Who cares!

Your son is one of 14 going to the party out of a class of how many, 26-30? Isn’t he lucky.

If one boy going back is bullying your son why do you want your son to spend any more time with this boy where the bully’s attention will be more on your son?

He'd likely hear about the after party at school anyway so the damage is done either way. The parents may handle it sensitively, not mention it at the time and just bundle children into the car to leave the venue.

Unfortunately OP I think you need to look at why this has upset you so much.

The problem with people forcing kids to be inclusive (regardless of their own likes and dislikes) is that when they grow up and learn that the world is genuinely not like that, it causes angst.

Children and adults should understand that they don’t have to include everyone or be included in everything.

When I was growing up (70s and 80s) it was normal not to be included in everything and we didn’t even question it.

As adults there are people we don’t want to spend time with so why can’t we give children the same freedom?

There seems to be a lot of people on MN for whom not being invited to something or included in a group of school mums is a new experience that causes so much drama so perhaps it’s time for a rethink about resilience.

The fact the main party is 30 minutes away puts a different spin on this as well. Does it help to think of this as an entirely different event and not part of the party?

At the end of main party everyone will get in cars and go away. Will your DS really notice who is going where? Yes, there will be some chat about the video games bit, but presumably DS knows he does not get invited to every single get together of every child in his class ever. He'll only be upset if you make it a big deal.

Also parents didn’t get involved in the politics of friendships - you liked who you liked.

If you’re worried about your son socially then withdrawing him from a birthday party just because of this is a really bad idea. There will be a reason behind it, it’s the parents’ house and their and the birthday boys’ house. At 7 they won’t be invited to everything. You are building the barriers you are trying to take down by withdrawing him.

So there are 16 kids at the party including the birthday child, and then they’ve invited his 5 “best friends” back to their house for pizza and to play games. Why can’t the birthday child do that?

if my DD was in your son’s position I would allow her to go the party and then maybe take her out for pizza or have a movie at home, something she likes to do.

we can’t all be invited to everything, all of the time and I think it’s ok that kids learn that. It’s not a punishment.

the child who has been bullying your son, presumably is friends with the birthday child enough to be invited back

But isn't it 9 others who aren't going back after? Not just your 1? If so I think excluded is the wrong term, that sounds like it is just your child not invited afterwards. You can't spend all his childhood pulling him from things if there's the slightest chance it may not be exactly what you'd want. He will never learn anything about real life.

Yes, I don't know why you want your son to spend more time with the bullying boy.

I honestly think you have to step back in general. These are seven year olds, and getting invested in and upset about every small falling out etc is not going to be helpful for either of you.

The majority of kids will not be going to this, it's not like he's being left out.

Don't isolate your son even more.

Hi OP, any from the excluded group that you could invite to your house afterwards, perhaps a sleepover?

We did this exact thing before: had a party with more kids and then DD1 had five of them who she was particularly close with back to our house for some more stuff with parents along too. Didn’t occur to me there was anything wrong with that. Other kids have done same and I just tell DD that not everyone can be invited to everything. Understand it’s hard but pulling him out when he has been included in something isn’t the right answer.

But there’s no ‘damage’! Like the majority of his class, he’s not invited to a separate event after the laser tag. Only in the eyes of a parent who really needs to come to terms with whatever it is in her own childhood that’s left her with this level of social insecurity, is this an ‘exclusion’ involving this level of handwringing, rather than simply not being invited.

The OP’s huffy, muddled thinking both (1) seems to want to punish her child further by ‘excluding’ him from the laser tag too and (2) conversely to want him to spend more time in a small group either a boy who bullies him.

I think the concept of after parties for children is so unnecessary and a good way to make children feel excluded.

If they want to have 5 over for pizza, then fine, but do it another day.

And there is a lesson most people should have learned by adulthood — it’s fine that other people don’t always invite you to things.

He should go to the laser tag! Of course. It is completely standard to have a main party and then just a few back home for a sleepover or such.

Indeed. So have the party without inviting the extras. You don't chuck people out of a party half way through.

Are you mad???

I haven’t read the whole thread but in this situation I’d go to the bit he’s invited then do something nice afterwards, invite some of the others who are not going to the after party to the park, or get the paddling pool out in our garden and serve ice cream?

Arrange something super fun after the party, something he will be really excited about.

Its an important lesson for him to learn, that you don't always get invited to everything but that shouldn't mean you cant be friends with people anyway and enjoy the things you are present for.

I was raised by parents who would take every little thing as an insult and I mirrored that behavior, it led to very angsty teenage and young adult years.

Ive married into the most wonderful Irish family who see the good in everything and everyone and its totally changed how I see the world.

Theres an important saying, you cant control how people treat you but you can control how you feel about it.

Respectfully, no one is ‘chucking anyone out of the party half way through’. The laser tag party is the party — fun activity, food, cake etc. Afterwards there’s a separate event for the kids the birthday boy is closer to. The OP’s child, like the majority, is not among those kids. The only person being upset about this is the OP and posters like her who haven’t got over their own childhoods and see ‘exclusions’ everywhere, and who are really not doing their children any favours.

I think it'd be fine to have the small group over for pizza and video games if they were on a different day and therefore there was a definite split between the two events.

Having them together makes it clear who's the favoured guests and who's there to make up the numbers you need for laser tag. The fact that OP's son already knows about the second part of the party means that they're already discussing it.

I'd still go to the laser tag, but it's a bit mean.

The laser tag is 30 minutes drive away so there is a definite split between the events. Some people will go home and some will go to birthday boy's house. Some people may even <shock horror> go on to entirely unconnected things, possibly even with other people from the party.

It's not a question of everyone being at the house and half of them being asked to leave after 2 hours, which I agree would be appalling.

Be bright and breezy about it op.

Most parents wouldn’t want 14 for a sleepover. I have had 8- 12 children/teens sleep over many times but I’d struggle to accommodate 14/15 as I honestly can’t squeeze any more round my table. If I had a bigger table I’d consider it. As depending on behaviour 12-14 isn’t much difference.

My daughters friends often have a sleepover post party and dd hasn’t been invited, she also says ‘oh the sleepover girls are best friends’. I have never questioned it despite hosting larger sleepovers for the same children. Not everyone wants to host that many kids.

I would honestly focus on inviting friends (boys and girls) over to your house who he gets on with. If you are prepared to host 3-12 kids for a sleepover then do it. It’s really not that bad tbh and you may find he gets invited over to theirs at another time as they get to know each other better.

It really isn’t @Snowdrops99 if you handle it properly.

Your son has had an invite to the party. He’s been included. Don’t withdraw him especially as you say he’s not always the child to be invited.

You can tell him ahead of time that some of the boys will go back to birthday boys house after the party… they live closer to one another.. and you and he are going home to see relatives. Don’t make a drama out of it.. your son needs ti learn that we don’t get invited to everything and that’s ok.

it feels like the bullying is the bigger issue here and that is undoubtedly making you overthink this. How are you tackling this?

It’s hard to feel like your child isn’t included in something or is struggling with friendships. One thing that is certain in life is that we will come across all sorts of people and experience plenty of knock backs. Focusing on developing your son’s resilience will really help him navigate those moments.