To get a pet without asking DH?

[ThisAmpleCritic]

My mood is rubbish. Pet therapy is good, supposedly. DH does not want a pet. AIBU to get a pet without asking him? Just come home with one like “I DID A THING!”

ETA: I know a pet is not “just for Christmas”, I would love it dearly

I kind of did this.. we had a history of having cats so I knew pets as a concept were fine. Dh just didn't want a dog. The kids really wanted one and ds who has autism was so obsessed he would go stand near our house on a popular dog walking path to rub the passing dogs, he knew all the local dogs and his want for one was quite desperate. While dh and I tend to agree on stuff he always has the strong opinion and I feel tends to dominate our choices, I've often pointed this out over the years. We've gone on holidays i had zero desire to go on, for example. So I went to him and said this is what we are doing and I know you aren't happy about it but all 3 kids and i really want this and for once I'm calling the shots here and the decision has been made. A few weeks later we got the puppy. It did come up in arguments occasionally and I did have to eat humble pie (2 ski holidays..) but for the most part he saw how beneficial our dog has been to the family and understood why I pushed more than I've ever pushed before.

I love animals but I wouldn't be happy if my DH got a pet without asking me first.

Even if you're the one financing their care and doing all the work, it will still impact the other person and it's not fair on the animal to be unwanted by someone in the house.

It's just going to cause arguments, especially if he already said he doesn't want one. Which won't do your mental health much good anyway.

I know it's not the same as having your own pet but maybe you could do something like volunteer at a shelter.

Propagate some plants instead. That's therapeutic, too.

Tbf the gerbils didnt have an active part in it, they sort of just nibbled on the toilet roll and sunflower seeds, I think they were oblivious to the discussion that took place about why I got them

So they were Symbolic Gerbils, if you will.

He wasn't abusive either, he just felt he got the final say in some things. Not anymore 😂

I work with animals and people and generally whilst the job is 'dog training/animal training' its almost always relationship management between people/animal at the heart of the issues.

Any time an animal lives in a house where 1 of the humans does not want that animal, or does not like that animal... it is the animal who suffers.

If you really think you'd benefit from caring for animals, then go and volunteer at a rescue. There are rescues all over the country desperate for regular, reliable volunteers to walk, train, handle, clean out, play with, their cats, dogs, small furries etc.

I came home once to find my husband had got pet rats

I explained they would leave or I would and I meant it

Do you even need to ask?!

Of course you can't just get a new pet without your DH being consulted. I wouldn't even change the carpet in the dining room without consulting DH.

A pet is a living, breathing, sentient being.

Can you volunteer at an animal rescue or similar. I used to volunteer dog walk for RSPCA dog shelter

No you can't get one if everyone doesn't agree. Have you had pets before? I mean as an adult not a childhood family pet? They add alot to our lives of course but require alot from us too, as they should. Could you handle the down moments of pet ownership? Expensive ailments and inevitably losing them? Their needs being more than you vouched for (all individuals so some animals need more attention and more emotional support than realised).

You will require your husband to care for them sometimes as you can't always be with them, and you can't take emotional support animals into everywhere that registered support animals can.

If it isn't a goldfish then it needs to be a team effort.

No you can't get one if everyone doesn't agree. Have you had pets before? I mean as an adult not a childhood family pet? They add alot to our lives of course but require alot from us too, as they should. Could you handle the down moments of pet ownership? Expensive ailments and inevitably losing them? Their needs being more than you vouched for (all individuals so some animals need more attention and more emotional support than realised).

You will require your husband to care for them sometimes as you can't always be with them, and you can't take emotional support animals into everywhere that registered support animals can.

If it isn't a goldfish then it needs to be a team effort.

Get rid of DH, get a whole houseful of cats. Sorted!

My god a kitten, they require so much care! Which is normal for a baby mammal of course, think carefully about the cuddle versus care ratio.

If it lives in thehouse but not in a cage - yes unreasonable.

Hamster, cavie, fish etc - reasonable

If it lives in a stable not at home and you can afford it - also reasonable😉

Same.

OP, you could spend the money you'd spend on food and vets bills on some mental health therapy. Or take up a hobby like running/crochet/embroidery/padel/dancing for your mental health.

OMG!

Although when I was a child I took my guinea pig to a local show. My guinea pig was lovely and won the guinea pig section but a rat won the overall show! I was outraged. I mean as rats go it was quite nice but still had the offputting tail.

The thing is, there are some pp saying their husbands are controlling "telling me what to do" about not wanting a pet.

That's not controlling. Controlling is stopping you from doing stuff that doesn't negatively affect the other person. Controlling includes (but not limited to) stopping you from going out, or stopping you from working, or telling you what to wear, or stopping you from seeing your friends/family.

Saying "I do not want to live with a pet" is not controlling your partner. It is a legitimate veto that everyone in the household is entitled to. It is equivalent to "i don't want to have MIL moving in", also legitimate preference and not remotely controlling

Yabu. It'd be quite shitty to make a unilateral decision on getting a pet without discussing with your partner, especially as you know he's against it, the lack of respect will have a negative impact on your relationship most likely.

It is in fact actually more controlling to say "you must live with a cat/dog/gerbil whether you want one or not"

Goldfish are really a lot more work and expensive than people really realise.

We had one and she lived for years. We bought a proper expensive tank, with a filter, and we had to ensure the water was cleaned properly, adding the right chemicals etc to get the PH water balanced, feeding her properly, and it was much more time consuming than we'd ever anticipated.

They are definitely not cheap, easy or live short lives! And definitely never live a healthy life in a small fish bowl...😬

Tbf my MIL wouldn't fit into an aquarium in DS room.

Exactly this - people don’t want pets for lots more reasons than allergies. He may find them unhygienic or overstimulating. He may not want his home taken over by animal clutter.

I’m not really a pet person however I will say I think the type of pet dictates HOW unreasonable you are being. A puppy? Absolutely YABVU. A tortoise or a bunny that lives outside? Less of a big deal.

I expect you mean a dog though, people always seem to mean a dog.