To think "half your age plus seven" is a massive pile of nonsense?

[TransportNerd]

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships, far more so than I think the general population does. I've seen plenty of age gap relationships work just fine.

Every single time they're discussed here, though, someone wheels out the "rule" that you shouldn't date someone younger than half your age plus seven years.

People treat it like it's absolutely set in stone, and that breaking this "rule" is some sort of disgusting taboo. I've even seen someone argue it should be enshrined in law, with penalties for those who break it.

Personally, I've always thought it was complete nonsense. It was simply something in a French novel in the early 1900s. It doesn't really take anything important into account, and ignores the principle that consenting adults can do what they like.

Quite apart from anything else, why is it plus seven? Why not five, eight or ten? I'm sure it's only seven because that's a number that's had mystic significance since ancient times. Not a good basis for making laws!

Anyway:

YABU - yes, it's a rule and shouldn't be broken
YANBU - it's a big pile of nonsense and doesn't mean anything

I did have, they're in their 20s now.

Indeed. But relationships between teens don’t tend to start off as sexually intimate so the consent argument tends to come into play further down the line. There can be monthd of online talking, seeing each other etc before a relationship becomes boyfriend and girlfriend.

The “half your age plus 7 rule” is a good way of deterring age imbalanced relationships from even starting. No bad thing in my opinion.

This would suggest 19 yos shouldn't have relationships at all.

"Are you the creepy 40 year old who has brainwashed my 19 year old niece? It sounds like something he would say (and she would parrot)."

It'd be weird if they did parrot the rule, seeing as they are breaking it! He would not be able to date anyone under 27. And yet there he is with a 19-year-old.

No it doesn't. It's suggests 19 year olds are probably better off learning about relationships with others a similar age rather than some old enough to be their parent.

I'm sure there sensible and mature people in their 20s are but you change a lot between 19 and 29.

A 28 yr old dating a 21 yr old matches the rule.
a 56 year old dating a 35 year old matches the rule.

So it doesn’t align at all with how you feel about age gaps because like you say, 60 and 37 is quite off and most people would raise an eyebrow. I also think 50 and 32 is a pretty massive age gap. It is also strange because there’s little difference between 60 and 37 and say 60 and 34 but according to this weird “rule” one is fine and one isn’t. And again, little difference between 50 and 32 (apparently acceptable) and 50 and 30 (apparently a no-no).

No it doesn't.

I think it’s relevant. If, for example, 99% of people were to say no, one would wonder what’s going on with that 1% that apparently doesn’t see the problem.

I think it works well for teen/early twenties relationships. Older than that, it's nonsense.

I was 28 and DH was 39 when we met. We’ve been happily married for 36 years.

I've dated men exactly my age and they all ended horribly. I dated a few years younger - ended horribly.

I am currently with someone around 10 years younger, and it's worked so far but we have had some wobbles lately. But I truly think that would happen whatever the age.

It's actually really hard to share your life with one person and to try and see eye to eye all the time. But I don't think age gaps have that much of a bearing - why would they, really?

The “half your age plus 7 rule” is a good way of deterring age imbalanced relationships from even starting. No bad thing in my opinion.

It isn't a rule though. It's just a thing people say.

@MrsShawnHatosy , You fitted the rule the OP dislikes, though. Had you been 21 and him 39, you wouldn't have.

I’ve never heard anybody say it should be the law. That’s nonsense.

Most of what people say on this site is nonsense.

Valid point 😂

How would you feel if one of your friends started a relationship with one of them? Preferably, a friend who has known them since they were little. Not illegal…

I think a lot of women on here have had bad experiences with older men. I have and it does taint my view a little, but I try to keep an open mind and think of it in terms of where the people are in life. A 25 year old woman who runs a (successful) business and has worked since she was 16 and an older bloke have less of a power imbalance than a 25 year old woman who still lives at home or works in Tesco.

Maybe this is wrong, but I tend to care less when the woman is older. I know loads of woman who have been traumatised by older men and I don’t know any men who’ve been traumatised by older women. Most of the men I know who date/have dated older women sing their praises.

I’d still say it broadly aligns, certainly.

She wasn't responding to the OP, though - she was responding to someone who suggested an age gap is only acceptable if both partners are over 30.

I think a lot conversation on Mumsnet about age gaps seems to centre on the notion that grown adult women are somehow akin to silly little girls who aren't capable of making an informed decision about their own lives and relationships until they reach, say, their mid-to-late 20s or early 30s. Personally I find that to be an incredibly misogynistic and patronising view to have of women, their agency and their intelligence.

Maybe it's partly down to the old myth that is also constantly trotted out on Mumsnet, which is a complete fiction, that 'the brain doesn't stop developing until you're 25', which is another one that people constantly use on here to infantilise and justify control/interference in the lives of their adult children.

I've heard it quoted (& have done so myself) but it's never been a "rule" and in practice I think it died out after the First World War.

I think it’s acknowledging that the adolescent stage of brain development actually continues throughout the twenties. I certainly wouldn’t date someone in their twenties, even though by this rule I could. They are in too different a place from me.

Of course they can think and make decisions. But they’re not mature in the way that I am. Why would I want to be in a relationship with such a difference in maturity? The less mature always think they’re grown up, but grown ups see the difference.

I've always thought it works pretty well as a general guide. Of course relationships can work out beyond those boundaries, but it's more likely people will view them as a bit odd.

I briefly dated a 29 year old man when I was 17/18, and I would absolutely say with hindsight that I was way too young for him. He was a perfectly nice person but immature and a bit of a loser, tbh. We were at completely different life stages and he wanted something much more serious than I was interested in.

Half plus seven is not a rule.
It's an observation of what most age gaps are. A rule of thumb if you will for a quick emotional assessment. We use those rules of thumb all the time (e.g. don't be driving at a vastly different speed to the rest of the traffic)

95% of relationships fall within that difference
Which leaves 5% that don't and people start to look askance at.

I don't know why people want to talk about it being absolute bollox - it's not the law and its observable true.