To think "half your age plus seven" is a massive pile of nonsense?

[TransportNerd]

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships, far more so than I think the general population does. I've seen plenty of age gap relationships work just fine.

Every single time they're discussed here, though, someone wheels out the "rule" that you shouldn't date someone younger than half your age plus seven years.

People treat it like it's absolutely set in stone, and that breaking this "rule" is some sort of disgusting taboo. I've even seen someone argue it should be enshrined in law, with penalties for those who break it.

Personally, I've always thought it was complete nonsense. It was simply something in a French novel in the early 1900s. It doesn't really take anything important into account, and ignores the principle that consenting adults can do what they like.

Quite apart from anything else, why is it plus seven? Why not five, eight or ten? I'm sure it's only seven because that's a number that's had mystic significance since ancient times. Not a good basis for making laws!

Anyway:

YABU - yes, it's a rule and shouldn't be broken
YANBU - it's a big pile of nonsense and doesn't mean anything

Why is half your age plus seven "a made up rule" whilst the age of consent and every other law in existence somehow isn't?

They're all "made up"!

Agree! My 27 year old partner and my 37 year old self are incredibly happy together and have been for years ☺️

The earliest reference was Patchwork by Frederick Locker-Lampson in 1879. It was considered an ideal, not a minimum.

I think rules are a bit arbitrary. When I was a 20 yr old student I fell madly for a 31 yr old man and nearly married him. We were very happy for a while and then I grew up a bit.

Glad it worked out for you but my main concern is that at 19, people are still developing and often lack life experience to navigate a relationship. I was a completely different person at 19 compared to 25. I tend to view these relationships through the lens of potential exploitation rather than individual success stories. I wouldn't want this for my daughter.

I was referring to the example of two teenagers raised by the previous poster.

There's a law against that, and quite rightly so.

I’ve never heard of this before, but Dh was 21 when we met and I was 27 (about to turn 28 a month later). I am reassured to know we just squeezed into acceptability by 6 months though (27/2 + 7 is 20.5). 🤣

As someone married to someone seven years older and who has retired to spend most of my time caring for DH who has several health issues I think it is all very well when you are both younger and healthy but, instead of spending my retirement travelling, the only "travelling" I will be doing is taking DH to medical appointments.

No "whataboutery" posts please. Statistically, if you are married or in a partnership with someone much older than you then this is more likely to be the case.

I think a better rule would be if your'e old enough to be their parent, leave well alone.

I always thought it was minimum age society deemed acceptable / respectable for you to sleep with.

I think it works well if you're worried about raised eyebrows and gossip. If you're not worried then do what you like.

Well, no, they're not. The age of consent is based on solid principles for the welfare of children, as are other rules which make it illegal for teachers to have relationships with 16 and 17 year olds.

Half plus seven IS completely made-up.

13 year age gap here. Female older than male.
Best relationship ive ever been in.
Age is just a number.
I know men my age who dont have the maturity and emotional intelligence, work ethic, empathy, kindness, compassion and communication skills my DP has.

He is an old soul and couldnt find a deep connection with anyone his age.

We dont give two flying fucks what anyone thinks... 2 years in and going strong.... p.s you wouldn't tell there was a big age gap if you saw us together 🤭

It’s a rough guide useful for teenagers and young adults but in reality it’s not a rule as we all are different. 8 year gap as we have just isn’t a big deal in middle age whereas it would be huge at 16/24

This

I'm usually far more concerned when the woman is the younger one in an age gap relationship because the power differentials are already stacked against women (women are more likely to end up carers; women often lose social and financial power as they age whilst men gain it; women are already more vulnerable due to physical differences and societal discrimination; many women only truly understand what they're up against in our misogynist society when they are a bit older) and yet it almost always is women who are the younger one.

Men I know that are serial daters of much younger women are the men that women their own age wouldn't put up with because they have the life experience to see through their BS. Yet women have been socialised to believe that those men are dating much younger women because women that age are so much more attractive. Yet anyone with functioning sight can see that it's generally men who age "badly".

My 55 year old DH seems to be under the impression that if I left him he is magically presented with some beautiful 34 year old committed to making his life better.

God bless his delusion.

I'm 16 years older than my husband, we've been together for 21 years. We have loads in common and he isn't wiping my arse and spoon feeding me.

So someone the same age as a teacher could have a relationship with a 17 year old and that would be fine, because the law says so….

My husband & I are the same age so I have no skin in the game but I think age gap relationships are most tricky sort of pre-30 and then later in life. A 15 year age gap at 17 and 32 just feels icky, massively different stages of life, at 30 and 45 it probably doesn’t feel like much of an age gap at all, but then at 45 and 60 again it starts to feel like a huge gap. My aunt and uncle have a 15 year gap and now he is 70 she often says she feels the age gap more than she ever has because while she still feels young at 55 she now feels she is married to an old man.

After you reach the age of 18 you are free to make your own decisions in life.

Who you decide to have relationships with is no one else's business. I don't spend my time wondering whether other peoples relationships are appropriate because it's got nothing to do with me.

It's probably worth pointing out that the current government wants to give 16 year olds the vote.

Apparently they are old enough to make decisions about the future of the country. But according to many they are not old enough to make good judgement decisions on their own futures.

How old are you and would you go out with a 16 year old? The government wants to give them the vote because they’re easy to manipulate - the opposite of being able to think for themselves properly about the future.

Well, yes, actually.

Do you have teenage children?

No shit Sherlock. And your Aunt didn't have the nous to foresee this? My best friend is 9 years younger than her husband and, partly because of their extreme extrovert/extreme introvert personalities, the age gap now seems vast.

I don't agree with giving 16 year olds the vote because I don't believe they are as a cohort are mature enough.

I wouldn't go out with anyone under about 30 because I doubt that I would have that much in common with them otherwise. But what I personally would and wouldn't do is completely irrelevant to the discussion.