To think "half your age plus seven" is a massive pile of nonsense?

[TransportNerd]

Mumsnet seems to take a very dim view of age gap relationships, far more so than I think the general population does. I've seen plenty of age gap relationships work just fine.

Every single time they're discussed here, though, someone wheels out the "rule" that you shouldn't date someone younger than half your age plus seven years.

People treat it like it's absolutely set in stone, and that breaking this "rule" is some sort of disgusting taboo. I've even seen someone argue it should be enshrined in law, with penalties for those who break it.

Personally, I've always thought it was complete nonsense. It was simply something in a French novel in the early 1900s. It doesn't really take anything important into account, and ignores the principle that consenting adults can do what they like.

Quite apart from anything else, why is it plus seven? Why not five, eight or ten? I'm sure it's only seven because that's a number that's had mystic significance since ancient times. Not a good basis for making laws!

Anyway:

YABU - yes, it's a rule and shouldn't be broken
YANBU - it's a big pile of nonsense and doesn't mean anything

Personally any gap of adults beyond 7 years is serious ick to me, power imbalance.

Never even heard of this supposed rule. Who cares what MN says anyway.

10 year age gap here with dh being younger. We didn’t meet the half + 7 rule when we got together

Been together 31 years, married 27

apparently we’re one of the happiest couples our friends know! Two further couple friends of ours have the same age gap and been together a long time. One married 20 years last month, been together I think 35 and the other one has a 23 year old and married 19 years All very happy

Literally never heard of that rule ever and I’ve been on a lot of these threads, tbh it’s far more lenient than what I’d accept as a reasonable age gap. I think people forget how challenging age gaps are as you get to 60+

How dramatic

Fortunately for you, my thoughts won’t affect anyone entering one of these creepy relationships.

Like most topics on the internet, people want rules that they can broadly apply to vast swaths of people. The reality is much more nuanced and individual. Tricky for some to understand.

Nonsense.

And the assumption, of course, is that the woman would be the younger partner.

I doubt the idea of a woman dating a considerably younger man even crossed the author's mind.

OK the rule itself seems a bit daft but there is always something off with the older person in an age gap couple.

I think it's a good rule, and honestly it should be an absolute maximum in terms of an age gap.

Obviously no-one is bound by it but it tends to make sense. Occasionally, you get a big gap that works out well, but rarely. A 30 yo going out with someone under 22 is weird and predatory. There's a power imbalance there, even if you don't think there is.

A 40 yo can date someone under 27, but why? Someone in their 40s SHOULD be leading a different life and have different priorities than someone in their early to mid twenties.

A 35 yo going out with a 60 yo is going to find that options like having children, home ownership and any life that doesn't involve becoming their spouse's carer are closed or very limited.

I met my husband when I was 26 and he was 34, that's an age gap but it means we both fall into the same demographic, get the same references, and wanted the same things on a similar timescale, i.e. marriage, kids, mortgage.

Well yeah it's just made up nonsense isn't it. You could just easily say any other set of numbers or sums.

Human adults can and should date whoever they please if all consent. If someone is an abusive wrong 'un then they're bad news regardless of who they target.

I mean I don't think teens should date octogenarians but essentially it isn't really my business if it's legal.

Where other people who are strangers wish to place their tongue or genitalia isn't really my concern. If they are consenting.

I think we need some details on how we are supposed to vote on this, I am not sure I voted correctly. YABU means the rule is fine, but does YANBU mean that we think a more extreme gap is fine? I think a 60 year old dating a 37 year old is odd and a bigger age gap is even weirder, so I voted YABU.

What on earth is a "power imbalance"? Does one partner use more electricity than the other partner? Seems like a very strange word to use within the context of interpersonal relationships.

I mean - it certainly isn’t out of kilter with what feels about right though. Aged 25 - 19. Aged 35 - 22,m, 45- 29…etc

It’s not how I’d judge my life or relationships, but I certainly wouldn’t find myself straying outside of that rule (not because of the rule but because it’s not wrong!)

Ive not heard one person in real life talk about this, or refer to it or think its some sort of real thing

On here however people actually refer to it like is actual law or social norm or wisdom that they're imparting to the thread, they gather themselves up as a font of knowledge and then spout this nonsense

They sound like twits.

Absolute rubbish

Posters on this forum are obsessed with supposed power imbalances and love to throw around the word vulnerable.

My husband and I started dating at 17, so using this logic I would have been calculated to 15.5 years old - one of us is two months older than the other!

To be fair.. that was over 30 years ago… this calculation is bollocks!

I was in a 15 yr age gap relationship so I know what I’m talking about. Assumptions!

Have you been living under a rock? Maybe look it up on Google

I've done it both ways (ooh, get me) i've ben the younger by 13 years.. 20 & 33 when we met, no it didn't work out. massive power balance and abuse issues, divorced when i was 36 after he couldn't handle adult, assertive me who told him to get to fuck more often than not. We actually co-parent better since we divorced and he finally realised 40+ me doesn't take his shit.

I've also been 13 years older than my partner. He appeared when i was 38 and he was just 25. and i turned him down flat and cited what i'd been through
3 years later he was back with his own home, a degree, a high stress professional medical career, no desire for marriage/kids, and an absolute determination, and spent a year chasing before i gave in.. and i had the BEST 2 years of my life. He is still a brilliant friend (occasionally with benefits) but my health put paid to the official relationship as i'm a wheelchair user and the driving became too much to navigate.

The age is irrelevant, it's down to maturity. Yes of course age can be an issue down the line, but it shouldn't stop what can be an amazing connection and a life together.

Age gets more complex than maturity as health risks increase and retirement beckons. I had a friend with a 6 year gap struggle at how her and her husband’s lives were differing when he retired.

Yeah, for a site full of supposed feminists, there's a lot of people here who think women under 25 are weak, vulnerable and incapable of making sensible choices for themselves.

Because there's a big difference between an age gap of 19 years and an age gap of 34 years?

The age gap when I first met my husband would have been too big according to this rule (24 and 41) but is fine now we're older. If the younger one is still a teenager it's definitely creepy tbh, but past say the early 20s, people are old enough to make that decision. It may not always work out, but it's sometimes there mistake to learn. And many age gap relationships do work out.