AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

How long does she have to endure your rath? This isn’t punishment, this is revenge and pettiness. You are teaching her all the wrong things.

DD is in a horrid situation caught between two parents who aren't co-parenting properly. Being 13 is bad enough without having warring parents to contend with.

It may be impossible for you to get your ex onside. But it's likely he'll see soon enough that your DD's behaviour can be challenging and she may see soon enough that she wants to come back to you.

Taking away a source of comfort like her teddies is unusually cruel. She does need consequences but they should be fair and relevant. (It's hard to say what the consequences should be when we don't know what the crimes were.) And you should never ever punish your child for wanting to be with their other parent.

Remind her there's always a loving home at yours and cook her favourite meal when she comes back for her stuff.

I think relationship repair is the biggest priority over discipline here.

Your reaction to her request has given us valuable insight as to where things might have gone wrong.

Holding on to your daughter’s stuff won’t make you happy, it’ll just make you feel temporarily powerful.

Would i allow her to take her bed or tv, no. But her own personal comforts that can easily move back like teddies and clothes would definitely be hers to take.

OP I was about to say it depends on what it is she wants to take and if they’re household items then it would be a no from me. But teddies and personal trinkets you’ve bought would be gifts to her and I think it’s incredibly petty of you not to give them to her.

I get that it’s difficult - she’s at the age where she has a bit more say in who she lives with and I understand completely that it’s hard not to feel resentful that rather than face the consequences of her actions she’s gone to live with her dad.

I would let her have her things for now, to avoid even more resentment. Do you have contact with her dad for co-parenting ?

But at thirteen the courts will likely grant much more autonomy in deciding which parent she lives with surely ?

Let her have her things. They are her teddies. Dont spoil your relationship any further over spending so small

Not valuing her daughter's personal items or understanding why she might want them, shows the OP's complete lack of empathy and that she treats the relationship in a transactional way.

If that's the thing she tells us when she's trying to paint her daughter in a bad light, and even without the back story, I am firmly on the side of the daughter.

I have a 13 year old, who can be stroppy and difficult and hates being told what to do. However, not in the thousands years he would make up complain to school, or decide to move away, or not speak to me for three weeks.

OP hasn't said anything about missing her child, or being hurt, or upset. I have a feeling her relationship with her daughter is broken down already and there is more to it that what she's letting on. I get a vey unpleasant menacing undertones reading how she speaks about her young child.

Not giving her her toys and bits is pure evil, no matter what happened. She is 13, ffs.

She’s 13. Retaliating towards her isn’t OK even if she’s made a decision you don’t agree with. It’s her stuff so let her have it.

Sadly it seems your daughter will be much better off living with her dad. Can you prioritise getting therapy OP, so you can focus on becoming a kinder person?

Those are small personal items. Of course you should let her have them. You might have purchased them but once given they are no longer yours. My answer would be different if she was asking for items which are part of the home rather than things given to her (furniture, TV etc).

You'll be hoping your daughter sees sense and decides to move back home. So it's important that she knows she's welcome. Keeping her teddies would be unkind, however badly you feel she has behaved.

that's assuming she comes back. Don't be a dick. And yeah at her age, the courts will take her choice into account.

She's 13 and asking for her teddies. She is a child and you need to be the adult.

Don't leave her with no opportunities to backtrack when she realises the enormity of what she's done.

She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

Teddies belong with their person. Trinkets travel and could return with her, should she ever return.

Letting someone have their own stuff isn’t a reward, it’s basic decency.

I think this is way over the top. It’s obviously a difficult situation and a personal attack isn’t appropriate.

Why do her teddys and trinkets belong to 'the house'? They are hers and i'm sure that 'the house' wont mind if she comes and collects them.

The sofa, cooker, fridge, dishwasher belong to the house. Not her stuff.

This sounds more like you're trying to hurt your ex - making him buy replacements. Don't use your daughter to score points like this.

It sounds like she's in a horrible situation tbh

If, and it’s a big if, what OP has said is true, I don’t necessarily think DD living with her dad will be more beneficial because despite the way OP is coming across, discipline is clearly important to her. And it doesn’t seem to be the case where dad is concerned if DD knows she will be allowed unlimited screen time, late nights and what sounds like a completely unstructured set up. She needs boundaries and it seems that no-one is effectively setting them.

The fact that when DD got into trouble, instead of facing the consequences of her actions she immediately moved out to live with her dad, lends some weight to this. I think OP is in a difficult situation and there is clearly a lot of resentment getting in the way of effective co-parenting, which I don’t think is particularly beneficial for a thirteen year old child caught in the middle.

What "trouble" was your DD in?
What were the consequences?
Why did she want to reside with her Dad?
What items does your DD want to collect?
All that aside,if the items your DD wants to collect are personal items bought by you but given to her EG: chlothes,toys etc why wouldn't you let her have them?

Though the courts have already granted an emergency protection order Transferring residency to her father. The school (and quite likely social services) have had some involvement. The child's father has been able to move her GP practice without mothers consent. The court order wouldn't have been done without evidence. Child has said she feels uncomfortable/unsafe around step dad. There is clearly far more going on here than the OP wants to admit, or is in clear denial.

Holding onto the teddies and trinkets as "not wanting to reward bad behaviour" when we are not told the precise bad behaviour. We are told that the child has behaved badly at school and is stealing (nothing going on?) Though not if that is the bad behaviour that OP is trying "not to reward" So even if in the event it is, why remove those personal possessions? Or get to the bottom of the behaviour? However seems that ship has sailed, child is now with their bio dad and hope the poor kid gains some security.

It get's worse.

OP started a few threads back in 2023 where the household consisted of "me, DH, DD2 and DSS10". Daughter was described as three years old in a couple of threads, so should be six years old now. The stepson would be thirteen years now.

No threads started since 2023 until the two started 11th June (AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?) and yesterday (AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?).

It really depends on whether you want to have a relationship with your daughter. I’d argue that these were gifts from you and it would be petty to deprive her of these things. You are the adult here so act like one and let her have whatever she wants within reason.
If it was me I’d send a message with the stuff telling her that I still love her, and when she is ready I’m available to talk about how to resolve things. You can still have your boundaries but don’t paint yourself into a corner. Keep the communication open if possible.