AIBU to refuse my daughter’s belongings after she moved to her dad’s?

[Bigglebiggle]

DD13 has been in trouble recently and there has been consequences to her actions which she did not like so has gone to live with her dad. She has not spoke to me in 3 weeks, no doubt because dad has been influencing her. She has messaged me today asking for some stuff from her home and that her dad will bring her to collect it. AIBU saying no as the items belong in our house as I purchased them, and she shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour?

Yes, being rude doesn't justify withholding a person's belongings. Have you been rude before? Did anyone come and take away your belongings?

Everything she owns has been paid for by someone else; she's a child.

She’s 13!!!
She’s displaying some less desirable behaviour so the ‘solution’ is to withhold things important to her.

OP you need to parent her through this… show understanding, guidance, and unconditional love.
You can reinforce the behaviour as unacceptable without taking away her sentimental things.

She will resent you forever and you will drive her further away.
She is growing through a hard time and need support and guidance to correct and teach, not petty irrelevant punishment, where the resentment for your actions will make your message be lost anyway because she will not speak to you!

That is not what posters are writing.

Your daughter has gone to live with her dad - that is not a punishable act. Moving home doesn't mean that you can't have personal trinkets that were gifted to you.
Teenager girl has another home to move to when the teenager years get tough, with mum doing the parenting.

Unfortunately you are in a situation where instead of dad bringing her straight back and saying "lets parent together" he has allowed this to happen.

Your daughters belonging though are hers, and saying that her being Abe to have her belongings would be rewarding her "bad" behaviour is not correct. You would be manipulating and controlling to withhold someones belongings

It's really a gut punch when a teen moves out because they don't like your rues, then moves to your ex house. The silent treatment from a teen is also hurtful

Instead of trying to manipulate the course of events

Stand back, be pleasant. Show your daughter how an adult behaves. Text her and say of course she can have her trinkets etc. You may be angry now, but the door is always open when you want to talk.

I can assure you things will be honey moon stage at her dads right now, but give it 6 weeks of the school holidays and it will be carnage, he may try to keep this secret, she will not say anything - but it will come out in the end. It will be a nightmare.

Make sure your daughter knows you are there for her when she does need you
Make sure you don't manipulate the situation
Make sure you don't take this entire situation personally

What a mess. She's moved out of her home, not spoken to you for 3 weeks and you want to cause further chaos and hurt by withholding her things? You need to wise up, this is shitty parenting. You can do better than this OP.

Based on the OP's other threads, I'm not convinced that her daughter's behaviour is, in fact, unacceptable.

How petty and unkind of you.

I hope her dad’s nicer.

I had no idea, poor girl.

Having seen other posters messages about OP other threads and perhaps reflecting the reality of the situation rather than OP very biased account here, I’m inclined to agree!

Even more reason (if needed) that OP denying DD her things is unreasonable!

I remember your other thread, this just confirms she was right to move out your awful wanting to withhold a few teddies & trinkets. If you do so I would be suprised if she ever has a relationship with you again.

Yes of course you let her collect these things! They are not household items. I thought you were going to post she wanted to take her bed and furniture which would be more debatable.

Also withholding the items isn't going to look good on you should it go to court. You need to be working with her dad and doing what is best for her. At 13 it is perfectly reasonable for them to advocate for her in court where she wants to live and it might be that dad is given the majority of time if that's what she wants. Saying that they won't move her from the residential parent because it's disruptive is unlikely unless dad lives hours away and she is missing school because she can't get there.

From others comments it sounds like you need to sort your priorities.

And knowing there is history and it’s that poster… i absolutely take back my previous daft comment!

Give her stuff to them
She will come back one day but not for now
Learn to nit hold a grudge.
Least she wants to have her belongings and in the right place for now.
Why care whqt the Dad says or feeds.

She's 13 and can choose where she lives, the courts will take her feelings in to account. I imagine this behaviour will go against you should you go to court as not putting her needs first.

Sounds like they belong to her. She’s 13. You’re her mother… how is withholding her personal possessions in her best interest?

Really shocked to read this. Appalling parental behaviour guaranteed to give your daughter life long issues.

Op if this is true you sound like a narcissist and you should get help.

Your new husband is not going to get your daughter back.
She's safe with her Dad and I bet there'll be more revelations than telling her to tidy her room.
In fact, I believe it's the step dad writing these responses.

Awful. Really sad to read :(

I hope the daughter never comes back to the mother. If you've read this entire post you see that the OP is an abusive narcissist. Not all mothers deserve to be mothers.

Oh my goodness. Those things probably have great sentimental value to her. No 13 year old wants a new teddy bear - they want the one that connects them to their childhood. Please OP just let her have them. I hope you and DD can get past this and re-establish a loving relationship.

Why are you trying to keep her teddy bears? Surely you can see that’s batshit and cruel. We’re not talking about an expensive PC or games console, it’s literally her comfort toys. You’re not coming across very well.

You said in your last post that your dd doesn't like being told what to do. You dont either, do you @Bigglebiggle?
You are deliberately ignoring most posts here telling you to grow up and be rhe adult.
You don't want to hear it.

You've probably lost your dd already.
I just hope her father is more of a parent to her.

Agreed. I’d give her her teddies and things she loves. I’d also put something extra in there that shows I love her & have a sense of what she likes and I’d write a note saying whatever has happened I will always love her.

What are the consequences to her actions?

I’d also put something extra in there that shows I love her

I wouldn't, as this could be seen or construed as bribery or will not be seen at this time as a gesture of love.

best to just put a note inside the box or send a text

Wonder if the OP receives benefits for the daughter