AIBU Secret spare keys

[ShesGotAway]

So partner and I have recently bought a house in a town nearby to my parents.

Prior to buying to house my DM didn't know the seller but in the process of buying got really really chummy with them and helped them move and clear the house.

We think in this time my DM managed to obtain a spare key. There was only one set of keys declared and that's all we received from the seller. But there was a niggling feeling in my gut about it. My DM hasn't done this before specifically but she has form for other, similar behaviour. Not something I could outwardly ask her about either.

At a recent family gathering someone else brought up the topic of ring cameras and how they have one at home for the dog when they leave her for a short while. I brought up that we'd just purchased a ring doorbell for ours.

Cue a very angry 'well why on earth would you want one of those!' from my DM.

I explained to the group that we'd only received one set of keys when we'd bought the house and I felt like another set of keys could have been left with someone else by mistake (the seller had lived here for an awfully long time). I explained I felt uncomfortable with this as did my partner so we'd bought the doorbell just incase. (We do also receive a very high volume of packages as I use a room in the house as storage for my business).

I don't think I've ever seen my DM in such a silent rage before. And I have quite frankly taken this as proof that she's done exactly what we thought and managed to get a set of keys for our house!

AIBU- she hasn't got a spare

YANBU- she's definitely got a spare key

Yes, that reduces risk of "normal" people taking copies, but those "in the know" or criminals will know someone with the equipment to copy it "under the counter". Just like car number plates which "normal" people have to show proof of ownership, driving licence, etc if they want a replacement made in Halfords, but we all know that the criminal gangs have their own equipment for making false/duplicated number plates! Same with criminals producing fake ID documents, driving licences, passports etc.

She's defo got a key - but - the first thing I do when I buy a house is change the locks! YABVU for not just changing the locks - it's 30 mins (possibly including the trip to B&Q)

Thank you to those that have complimented my sense of humour and or/ called me well adjusted.

It's definitely an adapt or cry kind of dynamic in my family. I like to think of it all as character development 🤣 (and lessons of what not to do to my son if I want a relationship with him)

I dont' want to frighten you but mums like this can get worse when grandchildren come along.... but I suspect you'll deal with it quite well. Wine helps. A lot.

We've changed our locks when my kids have lost their house keys. Our terraced house opens straight onto the pavement so I do worry about people breaking in or even just opening the door and the dog darting into the road.

Very strange of your mum though - what's the motivation? Like, it's handy that I have a spare for my sister's as I use it to feed their cat if they're away. I have a spare for my parents and I've used it to decorate their house when they've returned from an anniversary trip. But that's probably the only time I've used it without their knowledge. Sometimes it's mum going "we'll be late home from the shops, but let yourself in, I popped a curry in the slow cooker earlier" if they've invited us over for food.

The weird bit is the secret element.

I think you're doing amazingly well, despite the severe trials it must be placing you under. I'm sorry that you have this burden in your life.

One of my friends has a mother like this. When she was 9 months pregnant and struggling in the heat, she was lying down upstairs on a TENS machine when all sorts of clattering started up downstairs. She was almost naked and fairly immobile, so in terror she rang her DH who hurried home to find her mother had got into the house and was rearranging all the tins and packets in the kitchen cupboards. The same mother hired a private detective to follow my friend and report back on her movements, starting from when she was a pre-teen. Absolutely awful. They are (unsurprisingly) no contact now.

I'm glad you've got your OH and decent in-laws; you deserve nice people around you. Best wishes to you. x

Some Mums be like that. My own has the key to my brother's house - she goes through it like a forensics team - srsly, checking his bed for pubes to see if he's 'had a dirty girl in', counting cups in the rack to see if he's had guests. She looks at diaries, bills, letters and phones, she roots through underwear drawers and under mattresses. When he put up a photo of his last girlfriend, she slashed her face out of it in a fit of jealous rage. 😧 My brother is in his fifties...

Some of us have mothers like that. We have to take remedial action and develop a titanium sense of humour. If your Mum is lovely, good for you. If not, it's like Vietnam - you don't know, man, you weren't there...!!!😭

Always trust your gut. You deserve to feel completely secure and comfortable in your own home.

Simply change the locks.
Have seen your update, that you will be changing the locks.
That's the sensible thing to do.
Your poor mom 😂. I wonder what idea's she had intended with the 🔑 keys.😂

Why on earth doesnt your brother change the locks ? And not give a key to your mum ?

Totally batshit .

I have an American friend whose mother uses and acquired key to break into his house every Christmas season and put a huge nativity scene up in his living room (amongst other transgressions). When I pointed out to him that of course he can stop her, by changing the locks, he nearly hyperventilated 😀

I'm glad you're not letting her away with this nutty behaviour.

Bloody hell @CamilleBeauchamp , I bet you've made the OP feel a bit better in comparison! Does she treat you like this too?

What am I reading? This is as bat shit as living your door wide open so any random can walk in.
Not changing locks is incredibly naive not to do, because as others have said you don't know who has got keys to your home.

If it's a Yale type, you only need to change the barrel. It's dirt cheap and a five minute swap out.

Just change the locks

It's really strange to me that a minority of posters have missed out on the standard reality that people often do change their locks when they move into a new place, for clear and obvious reasons.

But stranger still - even if by some odd occurence you had never heard of this commonplace practice - some of them are arguing against it now they've had it explained to them and seem smugly pleased they don't take this basic safeguarding step!

Wth. It's like arguing against seatbelts. Bizarre.

When we got our first house we had the lockers changed. Problem was our neighbour was a wrongun AND the local locksmith. Bloody nightmare! Had to pay extra to get someone shipped in from another town.

Our current house we haven’t changed the locks as they are original. Went to get a spare cut. £250+ quote for one hand rolled giant key 😂

Pretty sure people don’t have a spare hanging round.

You can simply add an extra lock, I did that loads of times when I moved around a lot as a young woman. Saves having to change them, is cheaper, and so long as you always lock the new lock does the same job.

Once you've changed the locks, Op, don't forget to cancel the cheque.

Spend a bit more and get a proper 3* cylinder (takes off door hardware geek hat) and tell her you did it for security purposes if she asks.

Don't want to worry you, but the only time that we were burgled was shortly after we changed the locks. The police said it was reasonably common for that to be the case. To be fair it was many years ago - a flat in Chiswick when we were young and had had nothing worth stealing, and if you do it your self rather than use a locksmith then you elimate one unkown. Though, you introduce another depending on your own ability and the qulity of locks you use 😂

I can't be the only one that wants to know what other batshit stuff this mother has done. : )

that is worrying, so are they putting it down to the locksmith?

A long time ago my father's dm had a spare set of keys for emergency purposes. Well she took liberties with them and the locks got changed, no notice was given to her she turned up one day and the key didn't work so she was told oh must get a set cut but it never happened. No one has a spare set for mine I give my set to a trusted person if I'm away and something happens that needs someone to go in.

@rolloverbeethoven and @8misskitty8 , he is so horribly codependent with her - which she has worked to achieve since he was born - that the very thought of crossing her makes him physically, somatically ill... I'd be sorry for him but he's a dickhead too...

She doesn't do it to me because I don't allow it/moved away. It took me some years and a lot of distance and self-work to get away from the psychological conditioning though.

But this is not my thread - just wanted to show solidarity to those who do have a mother who simply cannot be trusted (except to do the wrong, interfering, controlling thing)...