AIBU Secret spare keys

[ShesGotAway]

So partner and I have recently bought a house in a town nearby to my parents.

Prior to buying to house my DM didn't know the seller but in the process of buying got really really chummy with them and helped them move and clear the house.

We think in this time my DM managed to obtain a spare key. There was only one set of keys declared and that's all we received from the seller. But there was a niggling feeling in my gut about it. My DM hasn't done this before specifically but she has form for other, similar behaviour. Not something I could outwardly ask her about either.

At a recent family gathering someone else brought up the topic of ring cameras and how they have one at home for the dog when they leave her for a short while. I brought up that we'd just purchased a ring doorbell for ours.

Cue a very angry 'well why on earth would you want one of those!' from my DM.

I explained to the group that we'd only received one set of keys when we'd bought the house and I felt like another set of keys could have been left with someone else by mistake (the seller had lived here for an awfully long time). I explained I felt uncomfortable with this as did my partner so we'd bought the doorbell just incase. (We do also receive a very high volume of packages as I use a room in the house as storage for my business).

I don't think I've ever seen my DM in such a silent rage before. And I have quite frankly taken this as proof that she's done exactly what we thought and managed to get a set of keys for our house!

AIBU- she hasn't got a spare

YANBU- she's definitely got a spare key

Not sure how you manage to stay sane and so witty when dealing with such an awful controlling DM?! My DM used to be similar but I'm not sane anymore and definitely not witty as I no longer find it funny...anyway, sod the keys, I want to know more about DM's antics over the years! This thread is already entertaining 😄

It’s really not that complicated! A lot of Mners live like shut-ins and there’s ferocious drama over people’s MIL’s letting themselves in unannounced, but in the real world, loads of people have keys to the average house, and because anyone with the smallest degree of common sense will automatically change the locks on purchase, the vendors aren’t going to dash about trying to remember every single one of the former dog walkers, retired cleaners, neighbours who moved away, contractors, family members etc who might have a key!

I mean, it’s hilarious to me me that Mn, which has so many people locked in deadly feuds with their neighbours, who regard unannounced visits as an act of war and who think contractors wank on their knicker drawer, has so many posters who are fine with unknown numbers of said neighbours or the MILs or contractors of the former owners of their house having permanent access, but hey. You do you.

My solicitor made me promise I would change the locks on the day that I moved into the house.

The house had been rented out for a few months and the tenants had caused so many issues that the owner had decided to sell the house

I'm so glad I changed the locks as there were ongoing issues regarding the tenants including me being threatened by bailiffs because of the debts run up by the tenants

I think it's standard practice as (1) the locksmith asked if it was my moving in day and (2) several of my colleagues, knowing it was my first property, told me to change the locks

@ShesGotAway You sound well-balanced and like you can handle your mum's craziness. Well done!

Ps: Also never changed locks when I moved.

kinda pointless changing the locks if gonna give a key to op mum

thats why she is changing the locks pmsl

Why, thank you! However I can't take any credit. I used to work with clients specifying suited key systems for office blocks, factories, hotels, schools, hospitals etc. Keyed-alike cylinders are bog-standard in that field. Pass key schedules can be created where each person (with their own key, card, code or biometrics) can open certain locks but not others, even at certain times only. A good locksmith can provide any such configuration for home use.

Yes, it’s a completely standard moving-in thing, and constitutes a big part of most locksmiths’ business.

And it doesn’t have to involve fevered imaginings of keyholding friends of the former owners going rogue and robbing your diamonds, more would you hand out keys with an address label attached to your house to the first ten randoms who passed you in your nearest city centre and hope they would just forget they had 24/7 access to your home and would never do anything nefarious with it? If you wouldn’t, change your locks.

I have similar experience, we bought house with 3 different entrances and my mum secretly took one of the keys (we didn't even notice at that time as one of the doors were to the basement and we didn't use it). You should see her face when company doing CCTV turned up (she was visiting us), she almost fainted!
She still doesn't admit she took the key... but she is narcissistic, I'm not surprised.

I remember a similar thread to this one a couple of years ago.
One poster was saying that she had moved into a flat and not changed the locks.
A previous occupant of the flat still had a key.
He let himself in one day and raped her....
I moved into my DM's house after she died a few years ago. I changed the locks as I knew that a relative who I didn't get on with had a copy and I wasn't going to give them the opportunity to come snooping.

For the record, I think she probably does have a set of keys!

I assume you've looked into narcissistic parents? You appear to be wonderfully self aware and managing it all very well. I'm very impressed.

There are few greater schisms than that between people from normal families and people from families like ours... viz: every 'but it's your mother...' post ever...

Solidarity! 😄✊

(Buts srsly - you just want the 'lovely teenage girl next door who had the key to feed the cat' to get a drug dealing boyfriend and...). In the words of Staedtler and Waldorf in The Muppet Christmas Carol: CHANGE

My in-laws have a set of keys for our house but my parents do not.

My in-laws live 4+h away and often stay for 4-10 days at a time and have free reign to come as they please.

My parents love 30 minutes away and only in exceptional circumstances are they allowed in the house without us there.

They have had keys once as I needed someone to wait in for broadband to be installed. I came home to a broken oven in my living room. When I had my second and my dad was doing the school run I came down from a nap to find sheets of plywood he had rescued from a skip in my kitchen.

My mum takes it upon herself to do unhelpful things in the idea of being helpful. So can't be in the house unsupervised.

My in-laws do none of these things.

We would be ok with my sisters having keys but not my partners brother. You might be equally related to a person but that's not to say that you have the same relationship with them,

Loads of people have a ring doorbell with a camera. What other reason could her DM have to get really angry about it? It's just another security measure so absolutely no reason why her mum should react in that way unless she would be personally affected by this.

It sounds as though OP's mum has form for over-stepping.

When you give your key to anyone else it is out of your control.

Unless it is a security key it can be easily copied (even the security keys can be copied but it is a lot more difficult depending on the key type).

This means when you give your key to your builder, cleaner, anyone else, they can copy it and give multiple copies to whoever they like.

There are two ways round this. One is to use security keys. This isn't a guarantee, but does make it a lot harder.

The second is to get one of the new digital locks that allow you to give people passes and remove them at will. My guess is that in a few years time all locks will be digital because of the benefits they bring in terms of keys/flexibility.

If you move into a new house you have no idea who the previous owner has given keys to, or what their key security is like.

All the above should be self evident.

Really? We never have in any house we've bought. Is this a thing?

Laughing at the idea of a Ringo style doorbell ...

(Yes I know it's a typo, but it made me smile).

When someone approaches, Ringo (in Thomas the Tank style/voice) says 'What on earth are you doing here?'.

Well yes, there are people who are scared of everything and who ID their immediate family members each time they enter the house, and there are people who don't. I guess I'm just one of those who don't think that everybody is going to try and do me over the second they get the chance, so stuff like changing locks just doesn't occur to me. Anyway I'm glad to report that despite 30 years of never having changed a lock when I've moved house nothing has happened.

Make sure you have a ring doorbell as well so you can see her face when she can't get in!

I've got a key to my eldest DD's house as she lives up the road and I often need to let myself in for babysitting/letting their dog out etc. I would never abuse it in a million years, it's their home and private space. I haven't got a key to my other 2 DD's homes as they live further away and we've never needed one. Though they've both left the spare keys to their cars at home in case they ever lose them if they didn't have Ring doorbells we often joke that we'd go and move the car to the other side of their drive for a laugh!

Depending on the sort of locks they are it's possible and a lot cheaper to simply change the barrel.

I don’t necessarily think anyone is going to ‘try and do me’. I change the locks as a common sense act when I buy a house in the same common sense way that I don’t have a key tag on my house keys with my home address on it.

Why give multiple people you don’t know access to your house when there’s a fast, inexpensive way to make sure they don’t? I mean, there’s a reason most people lock their doors when they go out, right, or don’t leave their spare key hanging in full sight on a hook outside their front door.

Surely it's cheaper to buy new locks and change them that to buy a Ring camera and Ring subscription??

The first thing we did when we bought our house was change the locks, even though 3 keys for each lock were given to us. You can't possibly know how many extra keys had been cut for more family members/tradesmen/cleaner/dog walker etc.

After a couple of years, we had work done, so gave a key or two to the builder, plumber, electrician, plasterer etc at various points of the project. As soon as the work was done, even though the keys were handed back, we changed the locks again, as like I say, no way of knowing if someone has had copies made.

Depending on what type of lock you've got. I've got a lock thats registered and you have to give a code to the keycutter before they will cut it.

Have you read any of the OP's posts! Her mum is an over-stepping crazy nightmare.

I have keys for my daughters' homes and my best friend's. I never, ever use them without checking with them first. I had something to drop off at my daughter's, and realised that I'd be passing her house, while she was at work. So I messaged and asked if it was okay to let myself in and drop it off. Of course she said yes, but I wouldn't have done so without informing her first.