Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

[Finishdinnerliedownsleep]

Received a text message off a mum from school, have spoken a few times, say hello, all friendly and ok. Her Ds and my Dd are friends, Dd often tells me people are mean to him in class and I say to always be kind to him and to stand up for him if she can.
In the message the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him, which they did and then the assistant told them off. She said she wanted to know what her Ds had done to deserve this and why my Dd thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she wanted him to have a nice day but is really upset because of my Dds actions.
Dd is at her friends and will be back later, so I will speak with her to find out what happened

To me, this is personally not how I would approach the situation if it was the other way around and I would enquire, rather than accusing and find out what happened first

It’s made me feel sick as I hate confrontation, we’ve never had anything like this before

I think it is relevant what age they are

I don't think her message was unreasonable, he probably comes back upset from bullying often and if your daughter did something mean and out of character on this occasion then it would have been a shock to him.

Keep things civil and polite. Remember that just because it's not the way you'd have done it, doesn't make it wrong.

Agree age is relevant.

Assuming primary age?

The mum is clearly upset and taking it out on you a bit- understand able. It seems sensible to get your dd's side of the story before you reply.

Primary school can come with drama and I wouldn't worry too much about this. I would think if something serious happened involving your dd you would have heard from the school as you say an assistant was involved

I would completely ignore it. If her child is being bullied at school, she needs to raise it with the school, not another parent.

I think she is upset because she thought they were friends, did you respond to her yet even as an acknowledgement that you would find out what happened? What age are the kids.

They’re 7, yes I did

You’d completely ignore it?

Wouldn’t you question your child to make sure they hadn’t done anything wrong? I would certainly want to know if my child had participated in anything like this - if they had, they would be left in no doubt of the parental view and severely punished. If they knew anything, even if innocent, I would insist they tell the teacher.

I think the message is a bit inappropriate, but also that you should try to sideline your feelings about it and concentrate on what (if any) actions you need to take in relation to your son.

It seems that the teaching assistant has dealt with the incident, and if there was anything you needed to do, then the school would have contacted you. But if you have any concerns (or want a way to deal with the other parent), then just contact the school to ask about it.

Engage as little as possible. Some parents are really batshit. I’d just say, sorry he’s had a bad day you’ll speak to your daughter - and leave it at that. You don’t need to respond further or engage in detail.

I would want to get this resolved asap by speaking to my daughter and find out what happened.

I spoke to her and she got upset and said she was part of it, she told them to annoy him after two other girls said it too. She said she didn’t say to hit him, but boys were hitting him
I’m very cross and ashamed she was part of it and she’s really upset.
Not sure how to reply to this parent? Not sure why my Dd appears to be getting all the blame though when there was many more involved

What do I say and what would you do with your Dc in this situation?

From whose side? Reluctant to screenshot as have to black out names etc

I suppose if he thinks she is his friend he is perhaps more upset at her being part of it.

I'd reply with what you've said here, acknowledge she was part of it but not the only one, acknowledge the seriousness and that you will address it with her.

Tbh I would stop minimizing and blame-spreading and focus on apologizing for and correcting your daughter’s mean behaviour.

You don’t know she is getting “all the blame”, the mother may well have sent messages to the other parents as well. She’s talking to you about your daughter’s part, which may have particularly hurt if this boy considered her a friend.

At most, I would say I was sorry her child had had a bad time at school, and suggest she raise it with the teacher. That it was inappropriate for her to contact another parent in this way.

Yes I think that must be it, she doesn’t seem to be able to explain why she did it, but clearly knows it was wrong. I’m thinking this is a thing against him and she has joined in, but should not, I’m really disappointed in her tbh

That is all you can do until you speak to your dd, then probably speak to the school as well, it might be something or nothing but keeping the other mum onside can stop it growing arms and legs,

Even if op's child did bully someone?

I wouldn't ignore or allow that at all.

What a completely lack of accountability, no wonder so many kids are awful.

This. Why should the school have to waste their time handling it when you’re both grown adults and your kid bullied hers? Sort your kid out!

It's not inappropriate at all. Her child IS being bullied by the OP's daughter, so it's good that she knows and can deal with it.