Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

[Finishdinnerliedownsleep]

Received a text message off a mum from school, have spoken a few times, say hello, all friendly and ok. Her Ds and my Dd are friends, Dd often tells me people are mean to him in class and I say to always be kind to him and to stand up for him if she can.
In the message the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him, which they did and then the assistant told them off. She said she wanted to know what her Ds had done to deserve this and why my Dd thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she wanted him to have a nice day but is really upset because of my Dds actions.
Dd is at her friends and will be back later, so I will speak with her to find out what happened

To me, this is personally not how I would approach the situation if it was the other way around and I would enquire, rather than accusing and find out what happened first

It’s made me feel sick as I hate confrontation, we’ve never had anything like this before

She already knew the other children were bullying him, but she thought your daughter was his friend and ally. So naturally it comes as more of a shock that she was involved on the other side today.

That's not to say that what your daughter did was worse per se, but that it probably felt worse to him because he thought he could rely on her not to join in, or even to stick up for him. It must have felt very desperate for him to have a friend join in with the behaviour she has tried to prevent in the past. That's why she's contacted you and not the other parents - she knows that you are raising your daughter to stand up to bullies and probably anticipated that you would want to know and address it asap. Which was true.

I agree that I would probably have been a bit more fact-finding than accusatory I'm the initial message, but since it turns out that your daughter was involved, I can understand why she would want to nip that in the bud if she's usually a good friend to him.

Having seen your reply I’d reply.

I have spoken to X. She has given me a version of events which seems to involve multiple children displaying unkind behaviour towards your child. She is not the sole child or main instigator. However I have made it clear what is expected of her ahd of our disappointment. I will also be talking to the school in the morning so they are aware of this. I take it you have already done this? I’m. really sorry that X is so upset.

DON’T say how proud you are of your daughter or make assurances on your daughter’s behalf that it won’t happen again.

Thank the other mum for raising it.

apologise and say your child is very sorry.

tell the mum you are going to inform school because they need to be aware as you rightly point out it’s a wider issue.

Me also. I’d be disgusted. The one time my son was engaged in anything even remotely bullying (in a moment of anger he broke something that belonged to another kid) i went so nuclear there was scorched earth for a mile around. He will never. Ever. Ever. Behave like that again.

You can't deal with all of that. Your dd was involved so that's the bit you can deal with.

"I've spoken to dd and I'm so disappointed and saddened to hear that she was part of this. She will be apologising to your ds and receiving a sanction from me, and will hsve to live with the fact that she may have lost herself a friend. Thank you so much for bringing it to my attention. This is not the sort of behaviour we expect her to join in with. Dd did say that there were other instigators, I hope you have spoken with tge class teacher so they can deal with all of the children involved. I hope.your ds is ok."

Count Fucula's response is perfect. Acknowledge her message,say your daughter has confessed her involvement and you are disappointed. Tell her what your daughter is going to do in terms of apologising - a letter perhaps. I would also follow up with the school and tell them what you know and let her know you're doing so (you don't need to go into details on what you know) and then it is for the school to follow up. Keep reinforcing to your daughter that this behaviour is not ok but also praise her for being honest with you.

Make an appointment with the school, not so your DD isn’t the only child singled out but because this behaviour needs to stop from all the children. It’s so disappointing to read.

What?!

Proud?! Of what, getting caught out and admitting something? She hardly offered up the information.

Sorry he’s had an unhappy day? Again, what?! He’s being bullied and physically hurt in school, that’s appalling. It’s more than an unhappy day. These kids will ruin his mental health. He unsafe physically and emotionally, it’s more than “unhappy”.

My response would be,
”I’ve spoken to my daughter and I’m appalled by her behaviour. I’m so sorry she encouraged the children, I don’t know what got into her and I’m so sorry for the impact it’s had on your son. I’ll be speaking to the head teacher as there’s clearly a big issue with behaviour and my daughter would benefit from a warning from school. I’m asking my daughter to write an apology letter to your son. Once again I’m really sorry and if there’s anything we can do, please do let me know.”

@Finishdinnerliedownsleep It's a very human response to feel defensive when someone is angry with you/your child, but from experience that the quickest way to defuse a situation like this is to say something conciliatory and to the point.

@Dancingsquirrels has suggested a good response: 'Very sorry to hear about this. We have had stern words and DD will write to apologise'

Well all you can do is apologise on your daughter’s behalf. I’m sure she will be going into school tomorrow to find out about who else was involved.

Poor wee lad.
Your daughter watched him being hurt. Later she encouraged others to hurt him more.
Teach her not to be a bystander. To speak up, to involve a teacher, to show the hurt person sympathy and support. Teach her strength and love.

Maybe she mistakenly thought you'd give a shit, OP.

Oh come on OP you are better than this. You want her to join in drugs when she’s older because everyone else does it? I remember my own mum saying if they were jumping in a fire would you do too.

she’s 7 not 3. She should (and i bet does) know better.

I know you don’t want to think this but being engaged in acts of bullying means she is a bully. This is what a bully is. Please sit with this and tell yourself ‘my child is a bully and i need her to not be one’. For her sake.

Me too. I made sure him knew this wasn’t acceptable. I have zero tolerance for picking on anyone who is weaker than you. He’s good friends with the other child now.

The other children are irrelevant here, you can only parent your daughter, not them. If you want to make sure the other mum/school know that they were involved so that your DD is only sharing the blame then go ahead and point that out, but it doesn't change what she did.

I would want the school to be aware so they can monitor the situation

id be sanctioning my child and apologising to the parent

her message was uncool but understandable if her child is being gsnged up on and hit

Exactly id be mortified, she would be very much punished

So your daughter was involved in bullying. I'd apologise and say I have had a stern word with my child and she knows her behaviour was unacceptable and tell your child not to be a sheep, if she knows something is wrong not to go along with it just because others are doing it.

Here are some.anti-bullying resources. Maybe have a read with your daughter next to you and explain some bits to her in age-appropriate language.
www.stopbullying.gov/

It doesn’t matter how many were involved, yours was. She needs to apologise to him, and you need to apologise on her behalf to his mum, explaining that he is very remorseful and you’ve explained the severity of the situation to her

Proud??? Are you ok? OP has nothing to be proud about, what stupid advice.

I know it is not a UK website, but it can be useful. Let her see that you have 'homework' because of how serious the matter is. https://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/bystanders-to-bullying

I’d disengage from the game here. It’s a hook .

ask your DD what happened then contact the school. Don’t be drawn into conflict