Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

[Finishdinnerliedownsleep]

Received a text message off a mum from school, have spoken a few times, say hello, all friendly and ok. Her Ds and my Dd are friends, Dd often tells me people are mean to him in class and I say to always be kind to him and to stand up for him if she can.
In the message the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him, which they did and then the assistant told them off. She said she wanted to know what her Ds had done to deserve this and why my Dd thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she wanted him to have a nice day but is really upset because of my Dds actions.
Dd is at her friends and will be back later, so I will speak with her to find out what happened

To me, this is personally not how I would approach the situation if it was the other way around and I would enquire, rather than accusing and find out what happened first

It’s made me feel sick as I hate confrontation, we’ve never had anything like this before

It says her daughter told the boys to hit him. So really her daughter is initiating the bullying

The red flag here is that this boy is frequently targeted by all the other children. There's something about him that makes him susceptible to bullying...maybe he's neurodivergent or maybe there are other reasons. His mum sounds quite proactive and they're hopefully getting the necessary help and support. The problem is that your daughter being "friends" with him will only make matters worse because she's constantly going to be pulled in two directions.

In an ideal world, a child will stand up for another one getting bullied, be their best friend and everyone lives happily ever after. But that's simply not how it works in real life. Humans are tribal animals and once a certain group dynamic has been established, it's virtually impossible to change. If you force you daughter to be nice to the bullied kid, the other kids will eventually start picking on her as well, or she will feel immensely guilty and be held accountable each time this boy ends up upset.

She cannot control the actions of her classmates, and the closer she is to this boy, the higher the risk that situations can go out of control. Maybe she did instigate the bullying here, maybe it was peer pressure, maybe it was terrible judgement in the heat of the moment. But all that wouldn't have happened if she hadn't been close to boy and the bullies in first place. The best option is for her to distance herself completely. Not your circus not your monkeys. It's very important to make it clear that she should not join the bullies but she should not be placed in the position where she feels responsible for this boy.

Go out of your way to organise more playdates with female friends. At this age, friendships start to become very gender exclusive so it's quite rare for a boy and girl to be close anyway. The goal is to distance her from this boy so she doesn't end up in the position again where other kids tell her to do something (or vice versa) that ends up spiralling out of control.

I disagree. As a mum you might be able to help if your child is involved in the bullying.

Your daughter has bullied another child at school and you've found a way to blame the other parent? Your daughter is 7 - she doesn't know any better but you should.

This is the problem, your type. Letting the school play the nanny and not making your child take responsibility for bad behaviour. Lazy parent.

What a hideous take on the situation!

People can be so disappointing.

I’m genuinely stunned at some of the casual responses to this on here. It doesn’t matter that they’re only 7! Bullying can absolutely scar children for life, and no wonder the parent has contacted you, you’ve said yourself they’re ‘friends’. You need to speak with your DD about why she did this, and how wrong it is.

You need to let the mum know that your DD is going to apologise to him, and she should let you know if this behaviour happens again. You should also note that your DD has told you other children were involved, and you will be contacting the school regarding the bullying. Let the mum know that if she needs you to back up any bullying claims, then you will.

That poor child!

Nope. Always. Concerns of bullying should be reported through the school channels.

You don't need to make excuses that other kids were worse than your daughter. You need to deal with how she behaved, which is not OK.

You should not be so defensive saying it was other kids too. Your daughter did it, it doesn't matter what anyone else did.
The poor boy.
Apologise profusely.

No, not at all. There are two particular mums in my kids class who message everyone about absolutely everything under the sun – ‘Sally took Anne’s pencil today / Rebecca told Anne to sush during assembly / Maddy cut in line in front of Rebecca at lunch today … etc etc etc.’

And no, some mums just love the drama. At the end of the day, no parent is there to witness child-reported incidents, the teachers and TA’s at school are the ones most appropriate to keep an eye, see context and address behaviours.

And yes, one of my children has been bullied. I would never message a parent about it.

Why is it hideous to tell OP the best option is to distance her daughter from the situation entirely? We do not know if the daughter was actively bullying the boy, tried to stand up for him or made a bad call under pressure from other friends or people she wanted to impress. The situation sounds messy and it doesn't sound like anything can be salvaged.

In terms of standing up for bullied kids, that's great if you are fully confident in your own social position and know every single other person in the group will listen to what you say (which is much closer to a job for the teacher or school to do). In real life, and with brutal honesty, this simply never happens. 7 year olds rarely have the self-esteem or awareness and their actions are constantly influenced by what their friends say or do.

Ask your daughter how she'd like to be on the receiving end ?

The message wasn't out of the perfect person text book, no. But it must be incredibly upsetting to see your child upset after bullying. Perhaps she's sent similar to mums of others involved. Perhaps her DS only named DD because he was more upset by her behaviour, as he thought they were friends.
I think I'd respond with fairly neutral empathy tbh, because the way she said it isn't really relevant to what happened. I'd reply something like
"I'm so sorry to hear this has happened. I will be having a word with DD to get to the bottom of it"
Then focus on addressing it with DD.
She has obviously acted badly, but I do wonder how pressured she has been feeling to be friendly to this boy out of kindness, and whether she reached her limits of supporting him, and went too far the other way? Perhaps to fit in herself.

In your shoes I would
-apologise to the mum. Tell her your daughter was in the wrong

• get your daughter to write a letter of apology to the boy. Explain to her there maybe additional consequences at school. Also tell her what to do if she finds herself in a similar situation.
• speak to the school to tell them what has happened from your daughter's pov and how you have handled it with your daughter. The school need to know.
• tell the other mum what you have done and that you have notified the school.

Bullying is never ever ok.

Oh that poor lad and poor mum. Lots bullying him at school and now your dd who he thought was a friend is joining in too.

I'd be furious if this was my child that had been joining in. Personally I would apologise to the boy's mum, and thank her for letting me know, and telling her my child would be regretting their actions and apologising.

I'd also be going in to the school and asking why this culture of bullying is thriving in this classroom. It's unacceptable.

The reasons why your child joined in aren't relevant to the poor lad who is being bullied, but I would explore them with your child once the initial conversations have been done. It may be that if she is usually his friend, that she felt she was also about to become a target. This does NOT excuse it though. It could just have been peer pressure. It could have been she's become too used to it, seeing it everyday and is no longer shocked by it and upset for him. Which is also sad.

Don't be cross at this mum OP. She must be so upset her child is being bullied everyday and he will have been even more upset today that a friend joined in.

This. I'm sorry but your daughter behaved badly, and I see no wrong in the mother of the boy politely raising it with you.

I'm not sure why people are so convinced the girl is telling the truth. The boy said she was actively encourage people to attack him, and I'd be far more inclined to believe the victim than the bully. Especially a bully who only admitted anything at all once she was caught. Poor boy, a whole day of being physically assaulted, and the culprit's mother is just whining that it wasn't only her doing it, rather than recoiling in horror at her daughter's behaviour. I'm so sad for him, I really hope he can be moved away from these feral brats.

This.

He’s likely come home very upset and mentioned your DD was involved. He’s probably particularly hurt by her behaviour if he counted her as a friend. Unfortunately your DD has been led on by the others and joined in with the bullying. It’s not unusual to go along with the crowd to fit in, especially at this age. The fact she’s so upset about it shows she regrets her behaviour.

I would be truthful with the other mother. You have spoken to your DD, she has admitted her part in it and is very sorry. It has already been addressed by the school, but she should follow up with them directly if she has any further concerns.

Children make mistakes and can be very unkind, even cruel. It doesn't mean they are unkind and cruel - you need to find out if this was a one-off @Finishdinnerliedownsleep or if she's joined in before.

I hope you've also explained to her that what she's done is bullying and that she needs to apologise to her friend.

And speak to the school. Hearing an account of bullying from you will carry more weight, sadly, than from his mother. I would suggest to them they do an assembly on bullying and make a thing of educating the children about it.

I recently had a message to say a DS had admitted to saying unkind things about my DD, that he was truly sorry and that his lovely parents had spoken to him about behaviours in friendships. Also both 7. They are figuring out social interactions at this age and unkind words and actions are to be expected at times, but parents should absolutely be on it and having conversations and encouraging true apologies after reflection. DD and this little boy are all hunky dory again because his parents tackled it immediately. I would strongly advise you do the same.

What a weird reaction! So if another parent told you that your child had been involved in bullying their child, you would just ignore it and not even ask your child what happened?

Either you must think that your child is completely incapable of bullying and bad behaviour or you don't actually care if they had bullied another child.

I'd say 'ive spoken to Sophie and she's aware she's behaved very badly, I'm so sorry your son has suffered this way, is there a way we can attempt to make amends? I assure you I've had strong words with her and given consequences and if this happens again in future please do let me know. However they have been friends previously so if you think a day out or playdate together might help your son let me know and we can try to organize one'

Those children are not your children. Your daughter is. You can make a difference to how she approaches this situation. You also have an opportunity to help this bullied child. Why WOULDNT you want to do that?