Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

[Finishdinnerliedownsleep]

Received a text message off a mum from school, have spoken a few times, say hello, all friendly and ok. Her Ds and my Dd are friends, Dd often tells me people are mean to him in class and I say to always be kind to him and to stand up for him if she can.
In the message the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him, which they did and then the assistant told them off. She said she wanted to know what her Ds had done to deserve this and why my Dd thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she wanted him to have a nice day but is really upset because of my Dds actions.
Dd is at her friends and will be back later, so I will speak with her to find out what happened

To me, this is personally not how I would approach the situation if it was the other way around and I would enquire, rather than accusing and find out what happened first

It’s made me feel sick as I hate confrontation, we’ve never had anything like this before

She’s obviously very upset, and might not be ‘ handling’ things like a diplomat. The best thing is to be calm and reassuring and tell her you’re sure you can sort it out together.

I would reply to the mother being absolutely honest as you have here. I would say; I’m really disappointed that DD was part of this and she has admitted it. I will ask her to apologise to your son tomorrow and it will not be happening again. I apologise for her behaviour. I will be raising it to the school as I know that they were others involved but I will let the School deal with that and I can only apologise for my DD‘s part. sincerely X

Complete Mn hyperbole.

This is the perfect response

But what about all the other children involved? She said boys had been hitting him in the morning (separate time, she only witnessed it) another girl in the class was pushing him at lunch. This sounds like a bigger picture and something that needs addressing with the whole class too for this boys sake

Some school mums are like this. My standard reply is ‘thanks for flagging’. And that’s it.

I wouldn’t communicate with the other mum I’d email the school and ask them to phone you tomorrow

"Very sorry to hear about this. We have had stern words and DD will write to apologise"

Short and sweet

I would reply in the terms of your last message - the one where you say your are disappointed in her with an apology .

Then talk to your daughter about not following the crowd . Hard - she is only 7 .

I would not respond to this mother beyond saying that you’ll speak to your DD. I wouldn’t be getting into a back and forth about it, and I think her contacting you was inappropriate.

If I spoke to my DD and she said what yours has said OP, I’d come down hard on that. I’d also speak to the school and say that I’m aware my child has been involved in bullying, that I’ve spoken to her, ask if anything else has been going on, and make it clear I support anything they might do to deal with the bullying.

I would be taking my dc to round to his house to apologise in person and to explain themselves. I would make it clear to everyone that if she ever got involved again they can let me know straight away, and that she will be punished.

I would then be removing any games/phone/pc/ipad access for a month, no pocket money or treats and making it clear that I am very disappointed in their behaviour.

The worst bully when I was at school had a mum that finally cottoned on, and did exactly this. That classroom was so much better afterwards.

That’s not a conversation involving you though, there’s nothing at all to suggest your daughter is the only one being spoken to. In fact you know some of the children were spoken to during the school day.

What nasty behaviour from so many children though, that poor boy.

Personally I would speak to the school tomorrow, and ask for clarity, maybe say to the mum that yes the kids were being mean to him apologise say this isn't like her and you are going to speak to the school about it, kids can be mean of course that doesn't make it right but things like this does happen, I don't think you should get into a back and forth with the other mum.

I would be as empathetic as possible. She has reached out to you for understanding and it is a real pain when your child is being bullied and picked on. Talk to your DD to get her side of the story. Often kids will follow what they see others are doing so she may have been influenced by others. You can reinforce that this is wrong and to be kind.

Edited to say I just read your update - you should absolutely be apologising to the mum and get your DD to apologise to the child. You can't control their every move at school and they will fuck up sometimes but they absolutely need to know the consequences of their behaviour, reinforced by parenting at home.

I would probably give her an at home consequence/punishment to.

I’m disappointed to hear all of this and will have a chat with my child to establish all the facts and their view on what has happened. However in future messaging another parent directly isn’t really the way to deal with issues. The school is best placed to deal with this and discuss with relevant parents. I’ll let them know of your message and would suggest you speak to them for further clarification.

Close it down. Honestly it’ll only get worse!

I'd be very apologetic to the mum and ask her to apologise to her son on your daughter's behalf but your daughter will apologise in person tomorrow.
I would also contact the school as this seems to be systematic bullying, which they need to stop.

Does the school deal with such issues instead of you having to take messages from parents?
I wouldnt tolerare it myself....could become abit much.
All good to ask your child...if someones bullying our school deals with it..also avoids dealing with over passionate unreasonable parents.
Also its a little taking charge of school behaviour dynamics they are all figuring out so our school intervenes as well as keeping it real for the age of the child
Off to ring the school i suggest.

I have never and would never go to other parents like this. It’s very aggressive and unnecessary. But in your shoes now I wouldn’t reply to the message, I would speak to my daughter and then speak to the school and let the school handle whatever the issues are. I would ignore any further messages (or block).

My first thought would be to be mortified my child could have done this, not defensive on the off chance he’s lying.

Awful. The school are clearly mishandling it, no child should be hit in school, your daughter and the boys deserve harsh punishment if it’s true.

I would say all of this to the other mother except for the bit about you being proud of your daughter for admitting to her part in it all. This will rub salt in the wounds for this woman. She needs the part about you taking it very seriously. As far as your daughter is concerned, I would go down the route of telling her how disappointed you are in her behaviour; that she has let you and herself down. Perhaps she could write a letter of apology to the little boy and early to bed tonight with no TV or tablet.

Her message was fine. Bullying spreads. I’d be mortified. I’d make DD apologise to his face and tell her some shock stories about how bullying can drive a person to be very unhappy.
The poor boy, his only friend joined the bullies.
You shouldn’t be proud of her for being honest, it’s a basic. I’d be livid with her.

I used to wonder how so many parents could turn a blind eye to their childs cruel behaviour, this thread has been an eye opener.

@op whether or not other children were involved or 'worse' has nothing to do with you. What does is your own daughter behaving badly.

Are you going to do anything about it, or just whine it must be all the other dc's fault and ignore it?

Frankly, you would be a pretty shit mother and doing your own dd wrong if you did.

You are right to be ashamed. Your daughter was engaged in bullying, in other words, she’s a bully.

You have the opportunity to teach her exactly what this is and what it means. If I caught one of my kids behaving so horrendously I’d be proactively engaging the school to get it stopped, because you don’t want this kind of thing to escalate as your kid gets older. With girls especially it will come back to bite her when she’s older.

And no, the other parent was absolutely right to raise it with you. Better that than behind your back surely.