Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

[Finishdinnerliedownsleep]

Received a text message off a mum from school, have spoken a few times, say hello, all friendly and ok. Her Ds and my Dd are friends, Dd often tells me people are mean to him in class and I say to always be kind to him and to stand up for him if she can.
In the message the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him, which they did and then the assistant told them off. She said she wanted to know what her Ds had done to deserve this and why my Dd thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she wanted him to have a nice day but is really upset because of my Dds actions.
Dd is at her friends and will be back later, so I will speak with her to find out what happened

To me, this is personally not how I would approach the situation if it was the other way around and I would enquire, rather than accusing and find out what happened first

It’s made me feel sick as I hate confrontation, we’ve never had anything like this before

Like what? Concerned about their child's welfare?

Honestly, some parents are so feckless.

Would you bother to then ask your DC about it? Or is the "thanks for flagging" just being dismissive and avoidant.

I don’t blame the other mum at all. They might be 7, but he’s her precious baby and some horrible little shits are making him have the most miserable time of it. I think she’s been quite restrained about it. The mums where I live would be far more… forthright.

And he could have been mistaken about her role in it or, more realistically, your DD could be minimising and re-directing blame so she doesn’t get in any more trouble.

The question is, what are you going to do about your daughter’s behaviour?

I think I would reply:

I'm sorry to hear your son is so upset. I think the best approach here would be to contact the school and ask them to look into what happened.

I would be absolutely mortified if my child was involved in something like that. I’d reply to the mum saying that your daughter has confirmed what happened, she is very upset with herself and you are very disappointed in her.

I’d take my daughter round and get her to apologise. I’d tell the school what had happened and ask for them to keep an eye. I would be nipping this shit in the bud - she’s only 7, but it would end at 7. You don’t make other people feel small and rubbish, and you have enough backbone not only to refuse to join in, but to tell bullies to stop. This is a teachable moment, if we are looking for silver linings. Practice non-confrontational ways of deflecting bullies’ attention, teach about peer pressure… I wouldn’t punish her, beyond the awkwardness of apologising properly. I’d teach the shit out of her ;-)

👏

Your examples are not bullying. It's a false equivalence. Did you also miss the part where DD's OP admitted to her involvement.

Poor little chap 😥. OP, ring the school's Safeguarding Lead tomorrow. (Yes, its a safeguarding issue. What we called bullying is now called peer on peer abuse. This is what your daughter has done.) The poor mum has probably been trying to get them to take this seriously for ages.

I would get my daughter to write an apology snd perhaps invite the other kid for a play date to build a better relationship

I think it is worse though - it's betrayal. I bet it felt worse to the little boy.

You say you feel sick with the thought of dealing with this sort of thing but imagine how this mother feels when her child is being picked on and attacked by multiple children. She must be heartbroken and that poor kid must feel so sad and lonely.

My child would get the severest bollocking if I even thought for a minute they were involved in that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and show some empathy and maturity. Apologise on behalf of your daughter and say you’ll ensure it doesn’t happen again. Then make it very clear to your dd how disappointed you are, that you don’t like mean girls, and make sure she does not succumb to dumb peer pressure in future. Jeez if this is their behaviour at 7, I dread to think what they’ll be like at 17.

You also need to follow up with the mum in a few days and ask how her son is. Be a friend. And a decent person.

The correct channel is through the school. I am not at the school to witness any behaviour or see any useful context – and neither is the other parent. If the school speak to me, then I would talk to my child. I wouldn’t act on second hand reports from parents, unless in a unique/exceptional circumstance.

Your daughter needs to know that you think her behaviour was unacceptable, that she needs to apologise to the boy and that the actions of others are no excuse for her own behaviour. But also to know that you still love her and that everyone messes up at times, the important thing is to learn from it and not do it again.

I didn’t say they were bullying. My point is that some parents feel the need to take school issues outside the school channels, when the school is in the best position to witness and address the issues, and to talk to the parents of any children necessary.

Since they’re young and also good friends I think it’s probably the right thing to do rather than approaching the teacher first and potentially getting your DD into trouble. It’s a chance for you to sort it so school don’t have to know I guess, if your DD is usually well behaved.

I once had a crazy mum start harassing me after my DD fell out with her DS. They weren’t close friends and the woman only had my number following a birthday party RSVP, I’d never met her. I had to speak to the teacher. Some parents are crazy but it’s different when you do know the mum.

Yes but the other children being dealt with should have no bearing on you disciplining your child. Appalling that the school didn't tell you. I'd want to know if my child has behaved in that way. And if the school has form for not telling parents then I absolutely would contact the other parent too had my child been hurt. Either way you can't blame the other parent since her child has been picked on like this and hurt. Primary school can be heartbreaking. Try not to stress too much over it or have major fallouts, it's all swings and roundabouts at this age.

Who else would be responsible for changing behaviours? That really is abdicating responsibility as a parent

You are right to feel ashamed. Your daughter is a bully.

I'd find out what happened from my child's pov; tell the other mum what I'd found out; and apologize if my child had a role in it.
I'd also keep in mind my own child might not tell me the truth or the full story. I'd ask the other mum how she wants to proceed.
I'd also likely contact the school with all the info.

This ^ so much this

That poor parent having to send her DS to that behaviour at school ...awful. Something wrong for a child to do this

This is a serious thing; a chance to set the whole tone of your expectations for your child ...this bullied child's life will be changing course with this behaviour ...make sure your child isn't part of that harm

Frankly good on her for messaging you. DD was badly bullied, everything was dealt with via the school and nothing ever improved. If I had to go through it again I’d be calling out the parents directly.

You can’t let this slide with your child. She needs it drilled into her right now that peer pressure or not, bullying is not okay. Especially not cowardly bullying that’s done by egging others on.

My son is autistic and has a learning delay and is emotionally much younger than his actual age and goes to special school (not excusing it but for context). He's said and done some mean things recently to his friends and class mates that are out of character for him. He always feels bad afterwards. I would tell your daughter what I tell my son- it’s good you feel bad about it, you should feel bad about it, that’s your conscience kicking in, to remind you to not do that again because you’ve hurt people.

I would profusely apologise to the mum for your daughter’s part, not make excuses e.g it was someone else’s fault, and make sure your daughter apologises to this boy tomorrow, sincerely and in person. I would also tell the teacher what’s happened, including your own child’s part in it so she/he can watch out for and stamp out any more of this type of behaviour in the class.

I would be so disappointed in this. I would message the parent apologise on her behalf explain you've spoken to her, and she will be apologising tomorrow, there should also be consequences for your daughter.

My son is the same age and has ADHD so is highly strung and impulsive. He has been in one physical altercation at school, and when the teachers spoke to me it was clear other boys were targeting one, pulling his hood over his face, pushing him over. Ds told them to stop they didn't, he shouted for a dinner lady and no one came so he physically shoved two of them off (he's a tall lad) , one ended up with a graze on his hands where he landed and stood in front of the boy on the ground, shouting at them to leave him alone until the teachers came. Now I can't say I condone violence, but I was proud my son was on the right side of that incident.

You think it’s ok not to question the DD about telling some boys to hit him?!

Horrifying seeing how flippantly some parents would respond to finding out their child is a bully. Very obvious where they learn it...not that it was such a mystery before. You must be so proud...

I didn't read all the responses, but I'm surprised by some of the comments saying it wasn't appropriate to contact the parent. Why, though? If that were me, I would absolutely want to know!!

From experience, when my DSD was bullied in secondary school, the matter was raised with the school by both my DSD and us. I'm not sure if the parents of the other children involved were ever notified. We had to keep chasing the school to take action because it was becoming relentless. So I don't think saying, "Let the school deal with it," is always the answer. You often hear people saying schools don't do enough to tackle bullying, so I can understand why a parent would want another parent to know what has happened.

OP, it doesn't matter about the other kids, who was involved, or whose parents have been informed. Your focus should be your daughter. She wasn't just mean to the boy; worse (in my opinion), she was supposed to be his friend, and she turned against him. Peer pressure, perhaps? Maybe. But that's exactly why this needs addressing. If that were my child, an apology would be the starting point. I'd want her to understand how easily one poor choice can become someone else's lasting memory. Kindness and having the courage to stand by your friends, even when it's not the popular thing to do, are values that matter far more than fitting in.