Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

[Finishdinnerliedownsleep]

Received a text message off a mum from school, have spoken a few times, say hello, all friendly and ok. Her Ds and my Dd are friends, Dd often tells me people are mean to him in class and I say to always be kind to him and to stand up for him if she can.
In the message the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him, which they did and then the assistant told them off. She said she wanted to know what her Ds had done to deserve this and why my Dd thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she wanted him to have a nice day but is really upset because of my Dds actions.
Dd is at her friends and will be back later, so I will speak with her to find out what happened

To me, this is personally not how I would approach the situation if it was the other way around and I would enquire, rather than accusing and find out what happened first

It’s made me feel sick as I hate confrontation, we’ve never had anything like this before

Game? Hook?
Do you mean sense of community?
One mother is telling another that a child is being hurt.
Why can't they parent together?

I had a message from a mum when a group my son was in, was taunting her son and it was stupidly my son who pulled his headphones off and that apparently broke them. She told me what had happened, whether they had broke just by being lifted off his head or not, I talked to my son. He explained what had happened and it was what the mum had said. I immediately ordered the same headphones from Amazon to be delivered the next day (my son was given chores to do to make up what I had to pay out) and made my son take them round to the house alone and to apologise, to the boy and to his mum. If he's big enough to be a turd when he's with his friends, he's big enough to stand at the doorstep of the kid and his mum when alone. I gave her the names of the other kids who started it and were part of it but she said I was the only one she felt was approachable and who wouldn't encourage their kids to be worse.

We need to be accountable for our children's behaviour. We need to not be overly defensive when someone, who is heartbroken and protective of their child, reaches out to us parents directly. That was a one off but I'd much rather a parent felt able to speak to me directly than all the useless faffing the school do to downplay bullying.

💐💐💐 yes

I personally wouldn't be focusing on any other children that were involved, my priority would be my child and making sure she understands that this behaviour is unacceptable.

I'd want to know if it was my child being unkind. School can be too quick to brush these things off but I would be coming down hard on my DC.

Great work mum 👏 💐

Rubbish!! How insulting to say to a parent that you are proud of your child for admitting their part in the bully of another child. It does not matter what guff follows that, the damage is done in the first part of message.

Don't get fixated on the idea that there were others involved and doing worse than your daughter. The boy did not experience the whole horrible situation as a range of varied unkind acts by individuals he was subject to what was for him one horrible gang event, of which your daughter deliberately took part in. Of course his mum is upset especially if this is an ongoing issue. I'm sure as well as messaging you she will be talking about the others either to their parents or the school. That's not your concern though.

Apologise that your daughter was part of it and deal with her appropriately.

Until it's your own child being bullied.

The fact that you need a ‘standard response’ is a bit of a red flag. Do you do anything to address the behaviour?!

some school mums are ‘like this’ as they really want to support their child who is being upset/hurt/bullied by others and they need the support of other parents, they don’t do it for fun.

Have you decided on a punishment for DD’s behaviour?

Shocking that you would say to the mother of a bullied child that you are proud of your daughter. It doesn't matter if it is because of honesty. The mum won't see that. You also cannot be confident that a child won't do something again. She is either easily led or a willing participant in bullying another child.

If a parent was that dismissive about my child being bullied, I’d go to war. My initial text would be to nip it in the bud.

I wouldn't say it in the message.

I would say to DD "I am very disappointed in your behaviour, but I'm proud of you for telling the truth and owning up".

Clearly, DD knows she was wrong and feels awful about it, as she should. All too often though children deny involvement because they don't want to get into trouble, and parents double down and refuse to believe their child could do a thing wrong.

This can be a good opportunity to learn and talk about how she will deal with situations like this in future. Obviously starts with an apology to the little boy who has been bullied.

I also like @CountFucula ’s response.

My only concern is around the possibility of underlying peer pressure. Would it be better to have the apology in private, either in writing or by popping round the boy’s house briefly? (If DD sends a card, please drop it at the PO so it will arrive quicker! He is just seven.)

Are the children involved cool kids or children DD is trying to become friends with? That could explain why she did this. If so you will need to figure out how to steer her towards nicer friends.

I think DD’s guilt over this is an excellent sign. Explain she will be happier in herself if she treats people kindly and makes friends with people who do the same.

I agree with your concern that this was a group bullying situation, OP. After DD apologises, I think that if you want to share your concerns about this with the boy’s mum and suggest he contact the teacher, that’s fine. Probably a good idea.

I'm not so bothered by the mum's delivery of the news, she was upset on behalf of her son.

Oh no, I 100% wouldn't tell the mother you are 'proud' of her dd - while it's fine for OP to be pleased her dd told her the truth, referring to being proud in the context of the dd bullying her son is going to feel like a slap in the face to the mum, and it's completely irrelevant - the other mum doesn't care about OP's dd's honesty. It's not the time or the place, and she is definitely not the person, to be praising dd to.

agree @CountFucula 's response was good.

That poor boy.

I’d explain what has happened, including your daughter’s role, to the school. This mum is probably at the end of her tether with it, and maybe needs another mum in her corner.

That poor little boy

I'm glad your DD has admitted her part in this bullying op

I would tell the boy's mum how deeply sorry and ashamed I was and thank her for getting in touch so I could begin to address this

Well yes I'd ask rather that assume sins word is gospel but if also be really upset especially if he's been picked on alot . She may well be at the end of her tether and unfortunately you have got her brunt of it .

If this happened at school then I’d be speaking to them for a balanced view of what happened before deciding anything further. I’d reply to the mum to say “thanks for letting me know, I‘ll be speaking to the school and my DD about it, I hope your DS is ok”.

But I wouldn’t be trying to (a) resolve anything over text and (b) be making any decisions on a punishment just on the say-so of two 7 year olds and an (understandably upset) mother.

Given that young kids seem to easily take their life now due to relentless bullying my message to you wouldn’t have been so nice!!! Seems like this poor boy is the constant target for the class including those who he thought were his friends! Poor boy …..all day every day getting hit by groups of boys and girls at the age of 7!!!! I defo would not be saying I was proud of my daughter for owning up…she’s only confessed because she was confronted ….shes a bully just like the rest and o doubt this was the first time she was involved!!!

If my child had done something like this I would absolutely want to know so that I could talk to them about it.

Whether the messaged the other children's parents is beside the point. Your daughter made a mistake and now you have the opportunity to help her learn from it.

If they are a classroom of bullies at this age, I’d be seriously considering moving my child from the school. Bullying this young is uncommon but a good look into the future of the school. Bullies don’t get better for a long time, years of reinforcing positive feedback.

As someone who had to drop out of University to home educate their child due to extensive bullying I suggest you nip this in the bud now OP and stop minimising. I can't begin to tell you the damage it has done to my childs mental health. He is agoraphobic now and refuses to leave the house and is very isolated, self harms and talks of taking his own life.

I get they are 7 but this is where it starts and where it can finish it dealt with appropriately. My own child was crying and shaking when having to go to school at not much older than 7 and who could blame him when he was walking into the lions den to be hit and bullied daily.

Forget the other children, they're not your business. Be thankful the mum ONLY send a message, I can't even begin to explain the lengths I went to in order to try to protect my child and I would do so again in a heartbeat.