Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

The nursery staff will have noticed that your child's behaviour is different to the other children. I was a Early Years teacher in a school and the vast majority of 3 year olds enjoy listening to stories snd joining in songs and finger rhymes even if they lose attention now and then. It would be beneficial for you to listen to what they say, nothing bad will happen. It's not an insult to your parenting or a discipline issue.

I’m seeing this a lot recently and I think it might be because waiting lists for assessments are so long. When I am it’s 4 years but in some parts of the country it’s 8 years so realistically unless anything is spotted really young, some children won’t get a diagnosis until secondary school. This then puts a lot of pressure on nurseries to identify any neurodivergence. This is especially hard when you consider that until they learn the rules of socialising, toddlers are strange as fuck!

It’s a neurodivergence, it doesn’t automatically mean you have a disability. My partner and daughter aren’t disabled and that’s what they said. Their autism isnt a disability to them, its a brain difference.

(obviously the disability changes with severity and any other diagnosises)

I suspected ASD when my dd was 9 months. We didn’t get a diagnosis until she was 9 years old.

your attitude is very negative. I have a masters degree, earn in the top 10% of income, am a leading expert in my field, have a husband, a child, and own a home. My daughter is thriving and going to university next year. She drives and has friends. She hopes to be a veterinarian and in all likelihood she will succeed at her goal.

Learn a bit about the condition before you dismiss all of us.

I would ignore them. They aren't doctors and all their experience doesn't make them qualified to diagnose. As you say, you know your child. They said the same about my child and they were ignored. 20+ years later, I still applaud myself for not listening to nonsense peddled by overzealous nursery workers trying to 'alert' me on things. They completely failed to let me know my DC was being bullied. Guess that didn't bring in any funding.

I would quietly observe, read up on Autism and be open minded. My experience is that the school system is overwhelmed and the damage that a child suffers in school if they do not have a diagnosis is devastating (from experience) It may even be worth going down the NHS diagnosis route because the waiting list is years. Sadly this is how my proactive brain works now because in reception I was told "its fine" "she will catch" and at age 15 she is on EOTAS and working at a KS2 level. I wish someone would have said we suspect there is more to this!

What do you think is the downside of accepting autism is a possibility?

I think while professionals can get it wrong. At the end of the day it is very different viewing a child in a constant group setting seeing consistent flags then when you are a parent and at home with your child.

most children with autism won’t bring in additional funding to school. As it’s based on need not diagnosis

Not sure that was the case 20+ years ago.

Yes many children do have these traits and it is normal. What is not normal is when it is constant and done excessively more than others. They are in a setting where they can see this. It doesn't mean your child has autism, it means they are flagging for it to be monitored.

The diagnosis is so important for reasonable adjustments. Ie can wear a polo shirt, bring in fidgets, reduced homework and access to specialist support. The funding is non exsistant sadly even with an EHCP there is not enough funding.

Sometimes people don't see autistic traits because they themselves are autistic/have undiagnosed autistic family members and they see the traits as just normal and don't have anything different to compare it to.

Nursery raised similar observations over my child when he was the same age, I took it with a pinch of salt at the time, but i think they were on to something. School made a referral (with my support) when he was in reception, but it took 2 years on the waiting list before he saw anyone My child has not been diagnosed with anything (yet), he is 7 now and he is on the schools SEN register and remains under speech and language for struggling with social communication and emotions. He shows some autistic traits, but fairly mild so to someone untrained, they may not notice.

Yes, they are. He turns to the tone if your voice, not a recognition that it is his name being called. That is a sign of autism. Typical children are social and copy what others are doing. A 3 year old doing their own thing and not joining circle time with the other children is a sign of autism.
Autism isn't a learning disability, him being potty trained is nothing to do with autism.

There’s no harm following their advice and going through NHS referral for assessment with nursery support . If he’s not autistic, he won’t get a diagnosis. If he is, the earlier you know the better his outcomes.

I just don’t see that what they’ve said correlates to autism. My child is three.

It’s literally the complete opposite. If they thought your child was naughty - they’re not going to start suggesting reasons for his behaviour.

He sounds like a free thinker to me, who doesn't enjoy nursery very much. Does he have to go?

Yes this.

i get it can be a difficult pill to swallow. Especially if other people have noted concerns but you seem very offended by it.

i am considering pulling my child out after this tbh I don’t think they’ve understand my child at all

I'm sorry but I think you might be in denial. Why not just go down the assessment route and see what happens? If he is not autistic they will tell you that. If he is, then early intervention is so important. I know it's difficult, believe me I know. But the childcare workers will likely be very fond of your DC and want the best for him. My DC is autistic, has friends, hobbies, is really funny, kind, is now really good at self regulating etc, but only because he had support. He wouldn't have had support without a diagnosis.

Also, autism isn't a moral failing, for you or your child.

Yes even with high funding it doesn’t cover the additional staff they need.

reasonable adjustment yes a diagnosis can make that easier but the poster was saying schools want children labelled for the extra money.

Would be good if that happened as our 35% percentage SEN would help our school not be in deficit

At this point all they are doing is raising potential concerns. They aren't saying your child does definitely have autism and you can choose to ignore it but if it were me i would want to monitor it. Id much prefer to be told if someone was concerned it was a possibility and be proactive if that were to be the case in the future. Of course he may grow out of it but that's why it's good to monitor.
Fyi, I lived through school with undiagnosed ADHD and I left school with low self esteem as a result once I began to struggle. I got diagnosed at 18 at uni. It hasn't affected how successful I am at life. The biggest impact on that has been not understanding why I find certain things difficult and beating myself up for years.

But the nursery and many posters here can see that his behaviour is not typical of 3 year olds.