Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

I think 'the big switch' @clary is referring to is the switch from the ignorance of what constitutes an ASD red flag, implying that the poster has no idea that certain traits point to being ND, to saying that they have many ND family members, which would mean that the OP should recognise the traits.

Either way, I hope this young boy has people looking out for him.

No sorry, from the OP.

From posts suggesting they knew very little about ASC (as they thought those with it could neither walk nor talk) to posts saying several family members were ND. Just felt a bit odd.

Yes

and no you’re not alone as the vast majority are of the view this OP has a very odd stance

Yes exactly @Lougle. And thank you (and to others) for sharing your valuable lived experience on the issue; these are the stories that make MN such a great resource.

@LostandFounded I don’t suppose they’ll put up much of a fight if you do leave (I doubt you will)

They have raised this with you out of professionalism and care. You seem to think they have done it to embarrass and spite you.

Op, I am sorry but this is a really painful read.

It honestly comes across as though you think nursery are personally targeting you, making things up to be awkward and generally attacking you.

This is not true, they are trying to help, they are trying to provide their opinion. They are very unlikely to be properly trained to spot autism but they will have experience of having cared for hundreds of children and are using that knowledge to give you their opinion.

They are not saying he 100% has autism, they are saying that in their opinion he is displaying traits that fit with it. If you want to act on that then rather than trying to do tests at home you need to look at getting professional medical diagnosis. If you do not want to act on that then you say thank you to the nursery for telling you, but you would prefer they do not mention it again.

If you do not want to act on that then you say thank you to the nursery for telling you, but you would prefer they do not mention it again. and if she does this the nursery should make a note of the offer of support which was turned down to protect themselves. I have known parents in school repeatedly turning down suggestions of assessments for children clearly needing help until Year 2 or 3 when the child's needs are obvious to everyone and they start blaming the school for doing nothing.

Op it is really common in my experiences for the DH to be behind on acceptance. In the end I and most other mums I know decided we had to do what was right for our dc. You need to do in your gut what you think is right for your dc.

My dh has now caught up and accepts the situation as it is and even went on a course to learn how to parent autistic dc which I would never have thought he would do. But that has taken a lot of time.

Those were the major ones that prompted the assessment.

If your child is autistic then they are autistic. Whether you get the diagnosis or not does not change the fact that an autistic person has autism.

Your husband will have to "cope".

A similar thing happened to me and ds was late speaking and very much on his own agenda, nursery thought he might need speech therapy- but I always knew he was very strategic and fully understanding.
He definitely has mild ASD and I always mentioned it to his teachers but never has required a diagnosis. Speech resolved completely actually very bright and can't shut him up now! Which is lovely. Even if there is a slight difference it's up to you how you handle it and the support should be there regardless. At 3 no one knows absolutely how it will pan out.

Nursery is still mentioning things but I’m not doing anything about it, if it becomes an issue later on I will think more. They’re only 3, I think the expectation to be listening and joining in etc is a bit steep for this age, of course my child would rather play with everything around them then sit listening to a story, also the nursery said my child is now joining in with things like lunch time and story time, just does it a bit differently like eating standing up not sitting down, or lying on the carpet / bean bag whilst the story is being read, not sitting quietly crossed legged, but again I don’t see this as a big deal at 3.

I had this with both of mine. They are now absolutely fine. People arent robots and have their own ways about them. Its totally normal and the need to label people who do not fit in the box as autistic is ridiculous.

Does he talk about nursery and whether he likes it there? Unless there are significant barriers to it, I would move him to a new setting. If only, to get a second opinion before he starts school.

My son was super happy at his nursery until he moved to the pre-school room. It was very busy, noisy, with older children and he'd lost his friends who were younger so still in the toddlers room. The staff organised a lot of group activities to channel the kids, like crafts, group songs, story times, maths, writing etc... multiple times a day, that my son hated. I think there was a lot of pressure on him to join the group activities .

It took a few months for us to understand what was wrong. We moved him to a pre-school that was a much bigger setting with more children , but much more space inside and outside.

They had 2x10 min group times + lunch and tidying up, but that's was it. Kids were free to do whatever they liked the rest of the day, free flow indoor and outdoor, no pressure to join anything at all.
He didn't start joining in the seated group stuff until he was 4.5. The only thing he liked was story time, but he didn't join the singing or craft or drawing until the end of the year. Didn't join the birthday parties either.
But he made great friends and spent most of his day running outside, and building countless trains and houses and universe with blocks and toys in his own.
His key worker was great, and if he hadn't joined the phonics group session for instance, she would find 10 min during the day to catch up with him 1-1 or with a friend.

He's now at school, and according to his teachers he's a great team player, joins in everything, made multiple friendships already, no behaviour problems at all.

Just to add very much as above- the primary school.reception teacher was really good and completely got that even at that age some children would not sit in a circle, concentrate or confirm in groups but still very doing their own thing very often boys. There was a lunchtime small group with play activities to support those who might get overwhelmed for whatever reason. The difference between September kids and August kids is also still enormous then.

Listen to them and follow their recommendations.

I was called into school nursery for a chat after my son attending for 2 days. They had noticed significant speech and language, social and communication differences and asked for consent to explore assessments and an ed psych observation.
He was subsequently diagnosed with autism age 3 years and 6 months old, just 5 months after starting nursery.

I am eternally grateful for the early intervention and support, he still struggles massively, but he is understood and supported appropriately.

It sounds like you're so offended they're suggested this that you're not really giving consideration to whether it might be true plus you think you know just because they're your second child but the nursery staff will more likely have a lot of experience. They might not be right but you shouldn't just dismiss it but yes those signs could be indicators of neurodivergence. Would you rather you're child is just a poorly behaved brat?

How is a 3 YEAR OLD not complying in every single little aspect of nursery life a sign of neurodivergence?!? Tons of 3 year olds don’t want to sit for a story, prefer playing to organised activities, are noisy and don’t listen the first time.

I work in early intervention in a non-UK country and one of the hardest parts of my job is watching things like this happen. Everybody around the child knows something atypical is going on that is affecting the child's development and learning but the parents are deep in denial and don't understand what neurotypical children can actually do, so they refuse to engage and we just have to stand by helplessly and try not to think about all the extra support that is being missed out on. It's heartbreaking and so frustrating.

It is typical for 3.5-year-old children to be able to sit for a story, sit for lunch, follow directions, respond to their name without being shouted at, communicate in back-and-forth conversations using complete sentences and asking/answering questions, and play cooperatively with other children. Not 100% of the time, but a quite significant majority of it. This expectation is normal and not out of line at all. The parents I encounter who think these expectations are unreasonable or too high, invariably have children with developmental differences who can't meet them, so they think no one else actually does, either. Which isn't true, but they'll never believe it. In the meantime, the child loses out on more and more social skills and language models because they aren't attending to the skills naturally and don't get any explicit teaching thanks to their parents' denial, and the gap gets bigger.

But I've learned the hard way through my job that there is sometimes absolutely nothing I can do except do nothing and watch the child struggle, because that's what the family wants. Some parents have to see things crash and burn for themselves later on in "real" school, for their child to start failing their work and/or being called in for challenging behavior or negative incidents with peers, before anything dents the denial. And sometimes even that isn't enough. I commend the nursery for apparently still trying to get through and mentioning their concerns to OP even though it seems like they're banging their heads on a brick wall. Just reading this thread is stressful.

Well my child does make eye contact. The speech is a little difficult to understand, I agree, but that was the same as my older child who now has no issues at all.

There are no other signifiers of autism. They play well with other children, they are not obsessed with anything, don’t have meltdowns, yes they struggle with listening at times but they are 3!!! And as I said, they are now joining in on the activities at nursery now they are 3 and a half, just a little differently but nevertheless joining in.

Plenty of three year olds are like this with parents (totally normal, my three year old is with me) but when I'm teaching ? Not many are like this after a sustained period of time. They know the routines and follow them. Most 3 year olds sit for a story or sit down to eat. It's a shame you can't go in and see how your son is because I think you'd be shocked at how this does stand out in a nursery setting.

I know a little boy like his who was referred to S&L who are working with him but we thought this was all he needed help with as his speech isnt great however they think he may be on the autistic spectrum. He listens well, sits nicely at group time, has friends, is engaged in activities.

its called a spectrum as it’s so vast. I’d accept any help and if nothing comes of it then so be it but it means there is a concern and it’s being looked into.

some parents have to fight tooth and nail to get people to listen to them whereas nursery are suggesting they can get you support possibly quicker and you aren’t interested.

@LostandFounded I agree with @ThisJollyTaupeGuide – it is distressing if parents won’t listen to professional staff about issues such as possible ND. You keep saying that most 3yos don’t want to sit and listen – but actually numerous professionals (nursery teachers etc) on this thread have clarified that most do, most of the time. Many of the things you mention relating to your DC are flags for possible autism. Not all ND children have meltdowns or play obsessively. As PPs have said, it’s a spectrum.

It’s not something you or your child have done wrong; it might be nothing at all, just a slight developmental delay. But surely it’s worth following the pathway and seeing if any support is needed? I do see that it’s hard, believe me. Please do listen to nursery staff and accept any help offered, for your DC’s sake. If it turns out he is NT no worries. At least he has had some support in social skills which he may need anyway, so that’s got to be a good thing.

But my child is now joining in, albeit in a slightly different way, is lying down to listen to a story or standing up to eat really that unusual? They eat standing up at home all the time and listen to stories lying down in bed at bedtime so that association is there, so why wouldn’t they then do that same thing at nursery? Surely that’s just normal to do what you are used to at home?