Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

They haven't said the word autism, you have leapt to that. IME, childcare workers don't "hint", they give honest feedback about a child's behaviour in a group setting. It just so happens that your child is displaying several behaviours which can match ND diagnoses.

You sound defensive. Somebody noticing difference in your DC is not a criticism of you or them. It is actually a lovely sign that their carers have a general oversight of their needs and behaviours.

My DB and SIL reacted similarly to nursery concerns at the same age. We had been gently prompting for a while but when nursery raised it, they were cross and defensive. I think it came from fear of the unknown tbh. In their case, there was actually no doubt and my now 18yr old niece eventually benefited from her early diagnosis.

Oh bore off with yet another "autism would be absolutely awful" rage-baity thread so the usual autism is over diagnosed shite can be trotted out.

As someone who's had the delicate "have you had any concerns about X's development" conversation with a child's school nursery - I was grateful they raised concerns and set us on a very long and drawn out pathway - because, shock horror, they don't just hand out diagnoses for fun and the concerns we noted and initially raised at age 4 - translated into a diagnosis at age 13.

I don’t think I said any of that but duly noted 🫡

Sounds like my child, he was diagnosed with autism aged 4. He's now 5 and it is glaringly obvious that he is autistic. My older DC had some similar traits at 3 but not as severe, however, now she is in the teen years it's looking like she may also be autistic.

Autism in girls can become more obvious in the teen years. Is your eldest a girl?

My youngest started school nursery with a speech and language delay. I'm a teaching assistant and have worked in early years for a very long time and when he was 3 I knew that he was different to a typical child his age.
I approached the school about it because I honestly didn't know if it was a speech delay or autism, I felt like he had traits of both.
He was seen by an educational psychologist who also said that it was one or the other and when he was referred to a paediatrician autism was then ruled out.
He started to make really good progress with huge support from school and he's now in Year 3 and has completely caught up with his peers, which was unthinkable when he was in nursery because he was so obviously behind.
As hard as is was to hear when the school agreed with my concerns, the support put in to place by them to help him was amazing and I'm certain he would of continued struggling without it.

OP what are you afraid of if your son/daughter does have autism?

And I should point out you might have had the delicate conversation but I had the late diagnosis and suffered all throughout my childhood into early adulthood so I’m the last person who’s going to say it’s misdiagnosed.

You can't say with certainty that your older child isnt autistic. When I did post diagnosis autism training course they said the commonest ages for diagnosis were 8-10 and 15-16. In scotland that roughly coincides with difficulties being noticed at the start of primary school or high school (with 2-3 years wait until assessment). Also some diagnose much younger but more commonly much more severe autism. Girls also tend to be diagnosed later.

My DD was similar to yours at age 3, she’s now 5 and been referred by her school for both autism and ADHD assessments. So yes I do think those are signs of autism in 3 year olds.

In many ways you are lucky that your childcare providers are flagging this. Even if it doesn’t lead to a diagnosis. I only wish my son had been identified, referred and diagnosed earlier. It was patently obvious to me that he was autistic from age 3 or so but one of his nurseries just saw him as a difficult child, and the other saw him as a savant and nurtured that excitedly while ignoring other red flags for neurodivergence! It took disruptive behaviour and meltdowns later in primary school before he was considered for a referral to CAMHS and ultimately an autism diagnosis.

I am coming from this as an educational professional who have had parents literally shout at me if I dared to suggest their child had any signs of anything. I’ve worked with nursery children for 15 years and I have never been wrong. Most of the parents who were angry have now conceded and actually wish they’d listened sooner because of how long the wait list is for help! I don’t know the nursery staff but in my experience, if they’re suggesting this at 3 - your child is standing out from the norm and they have their reasons. At least be open to hearing them out - everything you listed absolutely can be signs of autism.

Good question

Yeah I would listen to them, even if for now you just bear in mind that it Is a possibility. You will be doing your child a disservice if you dont
The nursery practitioners will be very experienced in spotting these behaviour patterns in children and have obviously seen something in your child. It isn’t usually something mentioned lightly, they will have been monitoring and observing.
I have see so many parents in denial and each and every time the child has them been impacted further by the delay in getting support.

Nursery flagged up concerns for my now 12 year old when he was 3.

He didn’t like getting dirty and speech was delayed and a few other things that had not convened me and saw them as his personality traits.

Turns out he just needed time to develop and he has no additional needs and school have never raised any issue.

As others have said it’s only their opinion you don’t need to take it any further.

Just say you appreciate their concerns and want to see how he develops moving forward.

They are trying to do their best for your child whilst you appear to be burying your head in the sand.

Yes this is exactly my point, how can they make suggestions it is unusual, every child is an in individual and they will all behave differently depending on personality and the way they’ve been raised.

I’d gently suggest having a speech therapist take a look, just to get a clearer picture. Some little ones do go through speech delays, and nurseries sometimes use “autistic” as a broad term for behaviours that can come from many different things. Which is not necessarily wrong as their intention is to flag anything so your child gets the support. When speech is still developing, circle time can feel a bit much — the pace, the group interaction, and the expectation to join in can all feel overwhelming for a child who’s still finding their words.

No it doesn't - all that thread shows is that the OP no longer believes her DD has autism - it doesn't say anywhere that she's been told that by any kind of professional.

LOTS of girls mask to the extent that their autism isn't visible to most.

Nope not tons of 3 year olds are like this, 2 year olds yes. I would listen and get assessed if needed and then he can be given support and not treated differently as you suggest. Your mindset is very negative around autism.

You still haven’t addressed questions around why you are so defensive about your child being potentially autistic. What is so terrible about it?

Yes but within those nuances are traits and little clues. Childcare workers see dozens upon dozens of children the same age and whilst the parameters of NT is wide, it is actually when children fall outside if this wide scope that you can see ND. Including the things you mention....

But look, ultimately you believe you know best so just ignore them.

They're right to report their concerns with you.
They likely know much more about autism than you do.
You're very dismissive of them possibly having autism.

Sorry this can be upsetting to hear. But he is clearly behaving in a way that suggests to the nursery that he is , so take it seriously

ive known kids to be diagnosed at 2,5

early diagnosis is best for early interventions

Two year waiting list so best get on it asap

My son had a speech delay. When he was 2 we saw a private speech therapist who was absolutely fantastic, I’ll never forget when I told her that he doesn’t respond to his name and she looked at me dead in the eye and said very seriously “that really concerns me”

Lo and behold, 2 years later and my son is diagnosed with autism.

nursery also raised concerns which my mum and my DH completely disregarded. Nursery were of course right.

My DS is absolutely on his own agenda , very intelligent, “speaks like an adult” according to his ASD assessment, can really focus on a task he’s interested in . He also has no social boundaries , has poor emotion regulation and sensory seeks. Oh and his sleep has been atrocious and he is an incredibly fussy eater.

The waitlist is so long (my son was referred via nursery in Sept 2024 and in spring of this year we gave up and went private) so there’s no harm in getting on the very long list. And if he’s no autistic he won’t get a diagnosis of it

Are the things I mention actually indicators of autism though? A three year old finding it difficult to listen and not turning to their name when they are doing something else? BTW they do turn if I shout or have a serious tone of voice, just not if I call out their name and they are doing something. It’s normal for three year olds to struggle to listen and not want to do things they see as boring like sitting in a circle. They were also potty trained at 2 so not delayed their in the slightest.