Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

Personally I think there is no harm in getting on a waiting list for assessment. My son was referred at his 2 year check and the wait is 16months. The health visitor mentioned that if we waited until he started school then it would be under CAMHS and a 5 year wait.

If when you go they are not sure then they will usually see you again 12 months later to reassess.

Similarly if you have no concerns when you are seen then you can discuss that with the clinician.

I have an older child who had the speech thing and they are now fine also I know autistic children and they are nothing like my child, my child does lot of things like pointing that an autistic child would not do.

100% this.

How does it harm you to just explore it a little? I think you'd do your child a disservice if you swept it under the rug. Put your own feelings aside and concentrate on the main issue here: someone with experience has flagged a concern and, as a loving parent, you should look into that concern without judgement. It may be that your child doesnt have autism but surely it's better to know than delay any diagnosis that could potentially help them?

OP clearly knows best and doesn’t actually want any advice so unsure why she even posted here. OP just take him out of the nursery and ignore his autism traits as you are obviously more educated than those who are well versed in early years development.

You’re being very literal in your interpretation of autistic traits.

I have three kids. All of them have traits of autism.

Guess what? They can point, laugh, answer to their name when they feel like it. In fact, two of the three are so good at masking the school have no concerns whatsoever. They have other behaviours that do indicate autism. It isn’t simply a checklist.

It reads to me like you have some stigma around autism and are taking these comments to heart when in all likelihood the nursery are just trying to be helpful and supportive

Having been a nursery teacher for 10 years, probably teaching over 250 children it is easier to see children who are presenting differently.
Most kids at age 3, once they have settled in, want to join in and are curious to what is going on. They will join the group, sing the songs and listen to the stories. Or they blindly copy what the others are doing. Basically faking it until they make it.
Those that don't are the exception and it usually does point to 'something'. It really is rather rare that a child just isn't interested.
Not responding to their name is single channeled attention. They can only focus on things of their choice. Not being able to focus or pay attention. Not communicating their needs, wants and ideas again not 'typical'

Listen to the staff, get any referrals they suggest and keep an open mind. Support is hard to get. Take whatever is offered.

Have their already been seen by speech and language?

I don’t think so when they keep mentioning it and clearly I am not receptive as I don’t engage with it

They are letting you know their observations what you do with that is up to you. I know people who dismissed feedback and now find themselves on long waiting lists with children approaching high school age still awaiting assessment.
My dc school raised issues with me in first school term (when I look at nursery reports there are similar comments that were not initially obvious and less in person conversations as was covid) he was diagnosed when he was 7.
Eta - you seem to have very fixed ideas about autism. Autistic people can be extremely high functioning it is not all about delays and diaability.

It’s ok if he does have autism you know. Don’t be that parent who ignores what people are telling you.

behind every child that isn’t getting the help and support they need is a parent in denial.

just because they’re your second child it doesn’t mean you know everything.

you ignored your elder child’s needs and by your admission they grew out of them so you plan to ignore this child’s needs too.

”I know my child best” well you didn’t pick up on any issues before the nursery so no you don’t know them best.

My child doesn’t have this:

Not being able to focus or pay attention. Not communicating their needs, wants and ideas again not 'typical'

This is so true! Conversations with parents but I used to be like that, do that…..

my own partner went through the diagnosis as he noticed himself in our daughter! Though he was diagnosed before our daughter which then helped with daughters diagnosis

Pointing is a milestone that usually comes around 8 months as I remember my son did point late but like 14 months same with waving. He did both happily by 3. You think autistic 3 yr olds can't point? Profoundly autistic children may not.point but they're not suggesting that are they?

If your child saw an apple on a table and wanted it how would they communicate that to you?

Is your child fully toilet trained

Can your son carry on a conversation with multiple sentences and to and from speech? Even if not everyone understands that speech?

Does he appreciate safety enough.for you to be fairly confident he wouldn't run into the road?

OP they could be typical but these all could be early indicators of autism too. Children shouldn’t only respond to their name when it’s shouted in anger. Why are you not engaging with the nursery on their observations, what harm could it do to discuss this with them? Theres nothing wrong with autism and the sooner you can get on waitlists in the UK, the better.

If you are close minded to the possibility, you may find it a lot harder in the long run.

You are not willing to even entertain the POSSIBILITY. This isn't saying they definitely are autistic at this stage.

Do you think you might be autistic OP? Your posts display a few traits! Not meaning to upset you but sometimes it’s harder to spot from people who may be on the spectrum themselves.

You’re brave asking that! 🤣

The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name

These are unusual behaviours for a 3yo in a nursery setting, when you put them all together, so I can see why they have raised it and checked about his hearing. Of course 3yos sometimes don’t listen, do their own thing, but it sounds like routinely your child doesn’t respond to being spoken to by staff and doesn’t join in with group activities with the other children. They are right to make you aware of this.

What you do with that information is up to you but don’t let your pride get in the way of accessing help for your child if he needs it. There are lots of things other than autism that could be at play, and nursery are doing the right thing by letting you know that they are seeing something that is different from the standard spectrum of child behaviour at that age.

Oh god she’s not going to like that

Yes they do sound indicative. As I had mentioned he sounds a lot like my son who was diagnosed ASD.

what do you have to lose from investigating whether there’s an issue? If he’s not autistic he won’t be diagnosed with it. Maybe he is autistic, maybe he isn’t. What nursery or you think won’t make any difference to that.

FWIW I was in denial about my son for a few years. Me telling myself he wasn’t autistic and being in denial didn’t change the fact he actually was.

@LostandFounded

OP you know what my indicators to my own dd having autism or a barrier to learning was.

being slow to respond to instructions,
not being an overly smiley, laughy baby and having a schema to their play - beds!

They sat during circle time, they had friends. They were toilet trained at a normal age. Speech was ok.

It does seem like you have some form of stigma or negative view of autism. Autism shows so many different traits. The ones your son is showing absolutely are traits. You shouldn’t have to shout or be angry at 3 to get your child to respond to their name.

What do the nursery have to gain by sharing their concerns with you? Have you not thought they are doing this in your child’s best interests?

Now is the time to engage, get the right support in place and help make things easier for your son before he starts school (and so the right support is in place for that transition) not get annoyed and shut it down. That’s not in your sons interests.

Op you seem very defensive a child with ASD doesnt always ignore their name or isnt able to point. Its a spectrum and developmentally they can progress the same as their peers.It goes much deeper into their understanding of the world around them and how they think/see and interpret language. This typically becomes more apparent as they get older and a lot of parents of ND children would have loved to know this when their child was younger rather than at an optimum point in their child's life where everything falls apart. You dont have to do anything except take the nurseries comments on board and if you dont belive they are accurate you can say that to them and do nothing.

Autism is on a spectrum.