Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

He'll have to. Or he can eff.off surely?

The thread you link to absolutely doesnt indicate misdiagnosis @Warmthofthesun

@LostandFounded you trust this nursery to have sole regular care of your child, but you don’t trust that maybe, just maybe, they genuinely do think this might be a possibility and have your son’s best interests at heart

You know a diagnosis will not make any difference on how your child will behave..he won't suddenly start bouncing around stimming the day he gets a diagnosis. He will be the same kid. The only difference is there would be supports to help him at school and you would be educated more to help him with whatever he needs help with. If your dh is managing with DS now their relationship doesn't need to change.

You do know google's first answer is now AI generated, and AI answers are often incorrect or lacking any kind of nuance or actual understanding. I would be tempted to believe education professionals over a google AI answer but I think you're desperately looking for an answer that tells you your child's behaviour is 100% in line with the norm and it seems you don't want to hear otherwise.

Step away.
You categorically are not the person to do any at home tick box tests on autism

Your view is very clear and any “tests” you perform will be soaked in your firm
belief the nursery is wrong

Children often need to jump up and down and be energetic, some more so than others, neurotypical or otherwise. Did your husband know what children were like before having them? Just because your first child doesn't jump about doesn't mean others won't.

You realise that a diagnosis doesn’t actually change your son? It’s not going to make him more autistic. It’s also not going to make him more “irritating” to your husband because he’s autistic.

I’d look a little more closely at your “poster boy” husband. Seems to be he’s gets a little overwhelmed and overstimulated by these kids…

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend I agree, I think it's very important for nursery workers to be careful with how things are phrased. Stating the behaviours that are concerning and pointing out red flags is what they are supposed to do, not offer a diagnosis. Their observations need to be taken seriously though.

I work in this area and find the issue of a diagnosis is often raised because its pushed by the parents. They are upset and concerned and repeatedly ask the nursery worker why is this an issue, what are you suggesting, where are you going with this.. and push her to say she is concerned about autism.. then go home and tell everyone the nursery worker said she thinks the child has autism. Friend and family jump on this and say the nursery are only looking for a label, why are they diagnosing and before you know it the context of the conversation has been misrepresented. That's why documenting is so important. It's a very difficult discussion to have. I'm doing a course soon in exactly that and it will be my job to train my colleagues, I was there once myself with DS1 when I worked in a different field and knew nothing about it all, I'm forever grateful his nursery worker was empathetic and gentle with me. I also have some colleagues who are great at their job but do not have the training or innate social skills to handle this sensitively.

It is not neurotypical to be so rigid in your inability to tolerate the behaviour of others. Quite the opposite. Far more likely that someone with neurodiversity, and a more rigid black/white mindset of right/wrong behaviour would struggle in the way you say DH does. I'd seriously doubt he's neurotypical at all.

Oh, and you're still not being any less offensive by the way. Not every autistic child behaves the same, and having extra energy doesn't mean you have bad behaviour. They're trying to communicate their needs aren't being met, probably because they've not been supported to learn how their brains work slightly differently, and because they're being forced to try not to behave like any other NT child would just so they don't upset your precious husband!

ADHD and autism is not the same thing! At all. Many autistic people are very calm focussing on their special interests. They are not hyperactive 🤷‍♀️

I work as a teacher - I agree that if nursery are saying that there is something different in his behaviour then it is worth getting assessed by an educational psychologist to see if they can suggest helpful strategies! I also cannot tell you how many times I have successfully picked up on ASD in a child that the parent had not noticed - we see so many kids of the same age every day that it becomes very clear when a child is behaving in a way that is not neurotypical. FWIW, I have a pretty extensive background in ASD and the signs that nursery refer to would also flag concerns for me - I know you say that your child responds when you shout or raise your voice, but in this scenario he’s not actually reacting to his name, just to the fact that you’re shouting! Similarly, I would expect children of that age to turn around if someone said their name behind him.

it sounds like you and your partner have some very negative and quite frankly inaccurate views of autism. I would caution you to think very carefully about how you handle this. I once had a student who tried to seriously harm themselves because they felt different from their peers and “just didn’t know why” so they thought there was something intrinsically bad or wrong with them. Out of this conversation, I referred them for an ASD assessment and they were diagnosed - after that their mental health improved hugely as they were able to understand that their brain just worked slightly differently and everyone else around them could put support in place.

Nursery saying they suspect ASD is not an attack on your child or your parenting, it’s an expression of concern and them feeling that more information and support is needed for your child because they care about them. Given there are language concerns anyway, I can’t think of any reason why you would be against having an assessment done

Some children can have both autism and ADHD of course.

Fuck me your husband is a right cunt then, isn’t he?

You're aware that a lack of flexibility around issues like this make it more likely he's neurodiverse?

You say your elder son isn't energetic but your possibly autistic nephews are, to the point where they are described as having "behaviour problems".

My dad's family is full of people on the autistic spectrum. He and my bother, his dad, me, my three cousins, his sister all have a lot of asd traits but no one was ever assessed - but in the generations below, most of them are neuro divergent.

And none of us has acting out asd. In fact, we are all quiet. Some, like my nephews have a very "flat" presentation. Shy and quiet, talk in a monotone.

This too can well be autism. The problem is it may not be picked up and dealt with as the child isn't causing anyone any problems- in fact, quite the opposite as they are quiet at school and well behaved at home.

Some people are so good at masking their autism through the use of strategies like keeping their heads down.

I'm not diagnosing any of the males in your family, but if you think being quiet and no trouble is normal, it could be that you are living in a house with people on the spectrum.

You can have ADHD and not being like this too.

This

my son has adhd and is not and has never been hyperactive

Or they can have ADHD and absolutely beautiful hyperactive. And you just need to get on with it

You have a dh problem.

Does anyone else find this thread, or specifically the OP’s posts, rather odd? It starts with strong denial that her DC is ND, despite many posters sharing their stories and flagging the nursery’s concerns as valid. OPs repeated posts say basically “but they show these behaviours, which do not indicate ND?” This suggests a lack of experience and knowledge around ND (I agree btw that the DC’s behaviour is certainly a concern – for ref, two of my DC are ND) – no one who thinks that being toilet trained and being able to walk show that a child is not ND has much experience of it, surely.

Then all at once we switch to “Many members of my family [presumably the OP’s siblings’ DC? Or her DH’s siblings’ DC?] are ND. My DH who is a poster boy for NT [whatever that means] cannot cope with them and won’t be able to take it if his own DC is ND” – which seems to me to be a totally different issue (a very serious one) and somewhat at odds with “I have no idea what ND behaviour is and don’t know any ND DC”.

Anyway. Maybe your DC is not ND @LostandFounded. Maybe they are. Maybe your other DC is. Maybe you are. Maybe actually your DH is. ND runs in families so some of those are likely. It’s very far from the end of the world honestly. My DD is ND. This means various things to her (she has a very specific pattern of what she will eat, for example, which has developed as she herself has become more independent) that she needs or we need to manage. She masked at school and was a teen before we realised.

The things you say about your DC (especially, for me, the fact that they only respond to their name when you shout it – when yes, they would respond to you shouting pretty much anything, we all do) are flags for possible ND. So many people have told you this and you keep saying “but is this a flag for ASC?” YES!

If you read the threads the consensus very much is that the OP’s stance is very odd, and concerning.

@Thatsquark indeed. I have read the thread – at first with surprise at the OP’s resistance to the many posters making the same very valid point. Then I started to wonder about the big switch around. I agree the whole situation as described is very concerning, with a small child at the heart of it, who is clearly at risk of not being supported going forward, which makes me very sad.

This “big switch” from posters?