Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

A 3 year old would normally notice if someone was ignoring them and getting mad and wouldn't go back and do the sane again two more times. Yes it's unusual.
As is lying down at story time, eating standing up in school, not responding to their name except when you are mad. We picked up on my son not responding to his name when he was about 18months old and the HV took it seriously.

The irony being that if your son is autistic it is probably because of his dad is.

Being bossy towards other children, fixating on certain children, not picking up social cues, using other children as 'props' in a game rather than developing relationships with them is all very asd. Some parents will say "oh they want to play with X, they can't be autistic"!!

OP you say here that you are unsure what a 'normal' 3yo is like – and yet you have also posted today I need to assess what is truly unusual – I am not sure how you will do this if you don't know what is usual?

Actually I think you have said that you don't have a wide experience of pre-schoolers bc you don't know that many and your DC don't see that many – so yes, please listen to the nursery, where staff do have a wide experience of typical 3 and 4yo behaviour.

And yes, IME (which is not as wide as that of a nursery teacher) a 3yo will typically learn the social cue that another child does not want to play in the scenario you describe.

It's odd that you keep saying "but he does this at home" (eating standing up for example – as many of us have said, this is not usual for a 3yo) – his behaviour is his behaviour, and the fact that you see it at home as well doesn't indicate that it is (or indeed is not) NT or ND behaviour tbh.

If he, I don't know, never ever made eye contact or responded to his name at all at nursery (or whatever you would accept as possible ND behaviour) would you say "well he is the same at home so he cannot be autistic"? Do you see how that makes no sense?

Please read the many sensible and helpful posts on here and pursue an assessment.

You don’t need to assess it though. A nursery with experience of probably 100s+ of children are flagging to you that there are differences in development that they have noticed in your child. Refer it to a professional so a team of trained people can make the assessment.

As for your husband not believing in “labels”, it’s amazing that people will easily accept that there are physical illnesses and differences, but refuse to accept that one of the most complex organs can have any abnormalities. Maybe suggest he actually does some research and informs himself before making such statements.

Thank you everyone for your input.

Did you ask the nursery staff why they think this and listen to the answer? Again you're being dismissive.

No, they just sort of reel off things at pick up and drop off.

Most 3/4 year olds are willing and able to comply with group activities. Some struggle to sit still and fidget but most will come and join in. Autistic children will pretty much always follow their own agenda and will join in when it suits them but go off and do other things when it doesn’t. most 3/4 year olds can tolerate sitting still even if they aren’t particularly interested. This is the age they start following rules and telling each other them.

This contrasts with two year olds who often defy being asked to join in will challenge being told what to do. They haven’t yet got to the stage of group play but by three most become group social.

Not following this pattern doesn’t necessarily mean your child has autism, but they may have other ND/behaviour patterns that aren’t typical for their age. Wanting to refer them means giving them a head start to any help or interventions that will help them settle with their peers and then into school.

Experienced nursery staff are professionals who see your child a few times a week and have had hundreds to others to compare their behaviour patterns with. It is worth listening to their concerns as your child may need support organised before they get into school.

Children change all the time. Some grow into more typical patterns. For some the differences start to show more as they get older but getting them support early is always beneficial.

I am a nursery teacher with nearly 30 years of experience and with extra training on autism.
Autism is a spectrum which means every child will display autistic traits differently though they normally have speech and social difficulties.
The nursery would not keep persuing this if they didn’t think there wasn’t an issue- why would they?
They are professionals who have come across hundreds of children and know the signs to look for.
They will also be unbiased. You are not helping your child by being in denial of an uncomfortable truth.
early intervention is key and you are being a barrier to them getting early and crucial help and support
At three they should be able to follow the rules and routines of the setting, should be able to follow fairly complex instructions, should know social boundaries, should be able to sit and listen, should be joining in with others.
Please believe the professionals and get help for your child- it won’t go away and the gaps will increase.

@LostandFounded You need a trained medical professional to decide if your child has Autism or is ND or NT. Even just an initial chat with the right medical professional before an assessment may be helpful. Only specific professionals can give a diagnosis. Nursery and school can give you their observations based on their experience and typical developmental patterns but they are not qualified to say either way. Only report their concerns. Also I would suggest neither you nor your husband are the best people to try and decide one way or another as there are clearly issues where you cannot objectively see things or have not got the knowledge and experience needed (as you aren’t as far as I know a ASD assessor).

I have a child with an ASD diagnosis who had the same concerns reported to me at that age in Nursery. I wasn’t sure at first as I didn’t see the problem and the behaviours along with others were ‘normal to me’. I had another child who was older no issues. I thought I had a basic knowledge of Autism at the time. When my child was being assessed there was loads I had missed or thought was ‘normal’. It took an expert to help me understand especially the more subtle traits and presentations. Since then I’ve completed a lot of research into Autism and have a Master’s degree in Autism. I also was diagnosed with ASD a year ago and it now makes sense why I couldn’t ‘see’ some of the traits myself.

I wish I had not taken time to react when nursery told me as by the time I did and my child was in school it was then a battle to get help and support and to be taken seriously. There is nothing to loose with a chat with the medical professionals or whatever pathway is used just to see what they say. You can choose to wait and watch or they might recommend you doing so. It’s easier and better to get help at the stage you’re at now. Older children can wait 3 years + to get assessed and by that time it can have a big negative impact.

I had exactly the same chat with nursery when my son was 3. We had his hearing tested and it was fine. Pretty much identical issues described. My son was diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 15. Nursery workers have a wealth of experience working with difference types of children.

You can ask for a proper meeting with them to discuss it.

Why are you even still asking for advice here? You’ve been given the same advice repeatedly which you dont want. All you want is to disagree with it and ignore because you know better based on your experience with your other child.

You have been told hundreds of times your child shows signs of concerns. You don’t want to hear it. You want to prioritise your/your husbands feelings over advocating for you son and getting the support he needs.

FYI nurseries aren’t allowed to let children stand to eat due to increased risks of choking. They must be seated safely and on appropriate chairs.

@COUNCAT14 It's sounds like op has been giving it more thought.

You seem to have some very fixed,
black and white thinking yourself op.

do you understand the genetic link with autism (if you have family on both sides with autism)?

do you understand autism presents differently in different people?

do you understand if your dh was neurotypical, he wouldn’t be likely to be ‘unable to cope’ with his young autistic family
members?

are there cultural issues involved here too?

My nephew has ADHD and when the school first brought up their suspicions about it we were in total denial as we hadn’t noticed anything wrong with him ourselves. It’s a lot easier to spot behaviour which is a bit of an outlier when you have a whole classroom full of kids the same age.
Over time, his difficulties in concentrating and maintaining direction in every day tasks have become more obvious and the diagnosis has helped us be more understanding towards him rather than just telling him off for never doing what he is supposed to be doing.
He’s a lovely boy and I do think the challenges he has faced have shaped him into someone who is kind and thoughtful.
I’m not someone to say that neurodivergence is a gift, it definitely isn’t, but through the hard slog of struggling through his HW together we have become very close and he has turned out to be kind, thoughtful and sweet natured.
if your child is autistic, you want to be able to tailor your parenting to them to get the best out of them and equip them to overcome their difficulties.

You seem to have some very fixed,
black and white thinking yourself OP.

Yes. I was also thinking that.

This

OP, it must be hard to hear things about your child but they’re trying to help.

I noticed in one post you said you knew about child development as you have an older child. Im
a teacher and have so much to learn despite that being my job! You seem to have low expectations of 3 year olds. 3 year olds can have complex conversations, listen, turn take, help younger children and so on. A child just saying another child’s name repeatedly, annoying them and then ci continuing to do it would be a concern as they’re not reading the social situation. At the next party try and watch what’s going on and notice how the other 3 year olds talk and behave.

Ok, well, is there any autism in your family?
In the father's family?
Its highly genetic.

You are thinking very rigidly.
Is there a possibility that you are autistic too?
It sounds like your DS is.

According to OP there is autism on both sides (and OP’s DH can’t cope with any of the DC with autism)

Your completely over reacting to their suggestion, like they have mortally insulated you I say this as a mum with one asd and others have adhd.
Just say thanks but id like to just monitor situation for a year or two.

OP has told us that there are cousins with autism diagnoses. She appears to have some
rigid and inflexible thinking. This appears to be shared by her husband, who also happens to react very negatively to any discussion of neurodiversity.

I think there are quite a lot of us on this thread with extensive personal and professional experience who have seen this story play out before. My only hope is that the child involved isn’t denied any support he may need as a result.

Sounds like her DH is autistic too.