Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

Why is your 3 year old not sitting down at a table to eat?

Why do they eat standing up?

Well @LostandFounded I would say that if a 3.5 yo sees their peers sitting in a circle for a story and sitting at a table to eat, and continues to do something so different, ie lying down for the story and standing to eat, and not do as they see their peers do, and follow expectations, then yes, that is unusual.

I have been in multiple nursery settings and infant school settings as part of a volunteer role and I don’t recall seeing large numbers of children eating standing up when all their peers were sitting at a table. Or any at all tbh.

But they do that at home so the association is that standing up to eat and lying down for a story is normal ??

Why are they doing that at home? 3 is too old for that, your child needs to learn social norms such as sitting at a table to eat.

When they see their peers repeatedly doing something that is encouraged by staff (such as sitting down to eat) the majority of DC want to confirm to that social norm. The fact that your dc doesn't may be a concern.

As an aside, yes, why do they stand up to eat at home? I'm not talking about eating a banana in passing, but a meal, or even a sandwich? How does that even work,?

Please listen to them OP. They are only suggesting an assessment by the sound of it, by professionals who will be very use to taking factors that you are stating into account. You seem more concerned over how your DH will react than anything else to be honest. That concerns me. Have you discussed what the nursery are saying with him? My DS wasn’t diagnosed until 18 and I regret this daily as life was much harder for him (and me) as a result.

Hmm I think it’s only natural for a child to mirror what they are used to at home, plus boys are very fidgety and active and don’t listen as well as girls, it’s not always a sign of autism.

So your phone family stands up to eat?

No one has said being fidgety is a certain marker for autism; the nursery is suggesting ND is looked at.

@LostandFounded why does your ds eat standing up? How does that work with cutlery (which btw most 3.5yos use)?

It feels as though you are saying “yes but this is normal for my dc” which is kind of the point. Most Dc are keen to folllow the social norms they see in settings like nursery. If they don’t, it may be a concern. Please put aside your prejudices and seek support for your ds. If he doesn’t need it in a year’s time, no worries, what have you lost?

It sounds to me like you're afraid that if your younger child is autistic, your husband will reject him/her and your marriage will then be in trouble.

Your husband's inflexibility on some issues makes me think he's actually autistic himself.

You need to seek a diagnosis for your child @LostandFounded because the earlier they get help, the easier their life will be.

I'm autistic and some of my children are, too. I understand your fear but you're not helping your child by burying your head in the sand.

My DS was perfectly capable of eating a meal sitting down at 3yo. In fact once he started weaning the norm was to be sitting, either in high chair or at the table. Why would you encourage them to eat standing up? Are you saying if you had a girl you would expect table manners but not a boy @LostandFounded

@LostandFounded why are you ignoring this question that I and others have asked? Why is your 3.5 YO not sitting to eat?

Have you ever read a book to your son when he's not lying down in bed? Ever say on the sofa to read during the day?

My 3.5y old does not sit down to eat. She doesn’t ever sit down nor does she use cutlery. She is globally delayed by quite a bit and showing a lot of typical ASD signs. It’s not without trying. She will maybe sit down for 60 seconds but then she is on the move again.

@aliceyyyy2654some children simply do not have the comprehension. We bought our DD a little table to sit at, she didn’t. She used it to climb. She chucks cutlery and prefers finger food dry only. I can assure you no amount of telling her not to would work. She barely registers we are there let alone understands verbal communication. Not everything is so black and white.

That’s totally understandable considering her ASD, but OPs child doesn’t have ASD (apparently) so he should be able to sit still and eat normally :/

That's probably one of the pointers for the nursery that he is not sitting down when eating

Nursery flagged differences in my DC at that age. They both struggled socially a bit and one with following instructions and joining in. I didn't observe the same things at home tbh but then I didn't spend time with 30 other 3 and 4 year olds to know what was normal.

It transpired both are ND.

Think about the opposite. Say nursery have noticed differences in your child but don't say anything to you. Then school does the same (this actually happens btw, my friend's child was on a sen register at school but they never communicated this to the parents). Wouldn't you rather know? I think they have a duty of care.

I have two girls with autism. They both give great eye contact. They both fidget. I think you have dome stereotype ideas about what autism looks like but autism is much wider than you think. My younger daughter was diagnosed aged 7 and I thought she was what autism looked like - we completely missed it in her sister as a result and she wasn't diagnosed until she was 15.

When my elder daughter was at primary, there was a boy who stood out as being different from the others. His mother was absolutely in denial and refused all offers of intervention. She said to me in frustration how he was just young etc - a few years later he had an ehc and a diagnosis as mum had to face facts.

I used to work with nursery aged children and their parents applying for an ehc plan. Even then often the dads weren't buying it. And sometimes families would move abroad /back home just to avoid the stigma of a diagnosis and try for a fresh start. I remember one boy whose grandparents were convinced his "bad" behaviour was due to his mum working. They persuaded her to move back to Wales and govto a small rural school - i heard that didn't work out too well.

My younger daughterxwas incredibly popular with other children aged 3, not so much by age 7, when the others were developing socially and she was still stuck trying to play her old games (which often meant her being in charge). It is the subtleties that can be missed at this age - you want professionals picking up what is going on and not reassuring you everything is ok.

Yes, but how is behaving the same way at nursery as you at home a trait of autism or ND?

OP, if he was behaving in a typical way; the nursery wouldn’t mention it. If “all kids are like this” then they wouldn’t need to mention it.

They see many, many, many children. The reason they are mentioning it is because his behaviour IS NOT TYPICAL.

You’re just not listening/in denial/afraid of your husband’s reaction.

If your child does have difficulties, you are going to fail him if you do not do something about it.

@LostandFounded can you explain why he eats standing up? Is it because he finds it difficult to sit?

@LostandFounded does the “yes” mean “yes everyone stands up to eat at home”? If so you should know that that is very unusual.

It’s not uncommon for ND children to prefer specific food, often dry, not touching (although as with many indicators, the presence of this preference doesn’t automatically mean a child is ND) – the kinds of foods that can be eaten standing up. That doesn’t mean they have to be eaten standing up though. It’s OK to learn to sit down to eat. Not doing so is going to cause issues socially in later life tbh.

You say “does a child doing at nursery what they do at home mean they are ND?” – the answer to that is, obviously, it depends. If their behaviours at home and at nursery are typical of an ND child, then yes. Some examples would be some of the behaviours you say your DC is exhibiting – at home and at nursery. The behaviours will stand out more at nursery (so for example a family where everyone eats standing up will perhaps not recognise that this is unusual behaviour, but at nursery where everyone else sits down, it will be noticeable) which is why nursery has flagged them.

These things can be indicators of autism, yes. He sounds quite like my nephew did at three and he was diagnosed with autism. I think it's very reasonable that the nursery brought it to your attention.

You sound highly defensive about this and your DH sounds like a significant problem. I would take some tome to come to terms with that, rather than brush it all under the rug. Your little boy deserves your engagement in this, whether he's autistic or not.

My child makes eye contact and he is also very obviously autistic.