Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

Not being able to leave a child alone and constantly wanting them can be an issue

They didn’t say that. They said my child was trying to get the child to play with them (it’s not someone they usually play with), and they were calling their name repeatedly and the other child ignored them. Then, after a time, the other child snapped and shouted at mine and went and told the teacher. This repeated two further times with my child calling the name / not being responded to / the other child getting more and more annoyed and frustrated. The nursery said they are mentioning it as they found it unusual my child didn’t seem to recognise the other child was angry after the first time and kept trying to engage - but this seems a bit sophisticated for me for 3 almost 4 year olds??

It's not sophisticated for that age range. It is typical. That's why nursery are raising it and letting you know your child's behaviour is unusual.

You really seem to be in denial.

Dude, just get the assesment, and go from there, instead of trying to twist and turn ways around it.
If there is nothing there to worry about, the assesment will show that.

Here's my take on this (I worked in education for 20 years).

The nursery are clearly concerned. You are in denial and not taking on board their advice. They are worried over their duty of care and know that early intervention is crucial hence their continual pushing.

You have options:

1. Accept their advice and get your son assessed. (which I recommend)
2. Continue to push back. They will not stop.
3. Go to another nursery. They will raise same concerns and you will be back to square one.
4. Remove your son from nursery and continue to bury your head in the sand. When he starts school, teachers will raise their concerns and you will be back at square one.

Clearly the most sensible route is an assessment.

I need to assess what is truly unusual and I’d need to talk to my husband as he does not believe in these sorts of labels.

Would you say the latest thing they’ve mentioned today is unusual or would you expect that of 3 year olds??

I worked with 3 year olds for many years and their emotional intelligence is higher than most people tend to appreciate.

So yes - I do consider your son's actions unusual. Most 3 year olds are able to pick up on these types of social cues and adapt their behaviour accordingly.

How will you assess what is truly unusual? Will you take into account the feedback from nursery?

Your husband not believing in autism is irrelevant. Autism is not a mythical creature.

You husband sounds very unsupportive, is he like this in all areas?

The vast majority of people here are confirming to you that your child’s behaviour is unusual. More importantly so is your child’s nursery. Please listen to them and do the right thing by your DS and get him assessed. Is your DH aware of the nursery’s concerns?

Assessment waiting lists can be quite long to very long. Agree to a referral. If he grows out of any traits in the meantime you can cancel it. However the things you/ the nursery list are traits. Infact not paying attention to his name was one of the first indicators for my son and he did know his name and passed his hearing test.
The fact there is autism on both sides of the family and the traits that are present are indicative that it's fairly likely.

Oh also when you say you've looked at online tests, have you looked at the mchat test which is for younger children.

You need to leave your husband then. Your child should be more important.

I have an autistic son and an NT one. The differences at 3 were stark. It still shocks me that DS2 who is just 5 can manage to sit on the carpet appropriately when DS1 (nearly 9) still can’t (and in a specialist so irrelevant anyway).

The referrals and waiting lists take years, there is literally zero harm to being on a waiting list and going through the process. Despite what the Daily Mail seem to believe, professionals are not queuing up to misdiagnose children. If he’s not autistic then he’s not and no one will diagnose him as such. If he is however and goes on to need support then the diagnosis is helpful.

In my opinion your DH not believing in autism is as useless as me saying I don’t believe in space (I do of course!) It’s meaningless and ridiculous. If DH doesn’t get on board and DS is autistic then that is far more harmful to your son than a ‘label’.

The thing is nursery have experienced the wide range of behaviours that can be typical of children aged 3.5 and they are telling you that they are outside what they would expect. His behaviour doesn't sound typical of the 3.5 year old children that I have met (and I've been around loads) but that's not to say he is autistic obviously. Nursery have a duty of care to point out these things, not because they want to label him as they have nothing to gain from that- he's not disruptive or difficult so they wouldn't get any additional funding for 1:1s etc (a motive some people believe nurseries push for assessments).

They are telling you this as they feel he is showing behaviours not typical of his age and he may need support. He may well grow out of it but equally some autistic children at this age do display these behaviours such as not mirroring his peers, speech delay, not responding to his name when engrossed in something, lack of social cues etc.

Have you actually been and had a sit down meeting with the SENCO at nursery and got them to explain why these behaviours are not typical? I think that would be a useful starting point. Your DH needs to be bottom of the pile in terms of priorities when dealing with this- even if your child is autistic, it is a spectrum and child present with it differently. Your child if they were diagnosed may never behave in the same way as your relatives. But it is important to address the concerns the professionals have to ensure that your child has the correct level of support going forwards.

OP, 3 is a tricky age and nobody can now at this point whether your child is neurodiverse or neorotypical. But you need to keep an eye and an open mind. Observe him and seek help. Same aswhen you had his hearing checked.

All the nursery has done is explain behaviours they feel my child is displaying and said they wanted to get someone to come in and assess, I haven’t had a sit down meeting, it’s just them pulling me at the end of the day or in the morning before nursery. It’s usually after something has happened that day like the latest situation with my child saying the name over and over and the other child getting mad.

Ask for a sit down meeting with the Senco. I'm sure they will be more than happy to take the time to discuss this with you and answer any questions.

If you keep ignoring and dismissing their observations then the time will come when they ask you to find him another setting, because you won’t work with them to evaluate any needs that he may (yes, may) have.

Perhaps your DH will find it easier to get his head around that.

For God sake.

Adults that work with children as their profession are advising you to reach out and chat to someone e.g. health visitor.

Your sum total of raising one child already is frankly laughable in comparison to an educator.

My nursery picked up concerns I wasn't aware. I spoke to the HV service and they were diagnosed before the age of 3.

She makes eye contact, loves cuddles, wonderful speech, people who have no experience of the spectrum of asd are surprised

Oh and BTW learning the little I have on this journey I am clearly autistic and it has never been picked up on and my mother was a primary school teacher with the general ability to spot the obvious signs but not a high level masker.

I despair when I think of how my life could have been had I been aware from a young age.

Go and talk to someone who has seen hundreds of children and get their advice

I guess it more is coming from the fact that some of these things are normal for us at home (so why wouldn’t my child do the same at nursery??) and that I am unsure what a ‘normal’ 3 year old is like, so when they are pointing out things like they did today, it doesn’t sound that unusual to me. For a 3 year old to keep trying to get the attention of another child by calling their name, that doesn’t seem that strange?

I’m convinced you’re rage baiting now, you can’t be this dense?

Hi OP, I’m SLT and a qualified SENCO in a special school- I have extensive experience working with and acting as lead professional in Autism and ADHD diagnoses. From reading through all of your responses I can feel your anxiety and think your defensiveness is coming from a place of fear. I can absolutely promise you, the nursery do like your child and aren’t picking on every little thing- they would much prefer to avoid having these conversations to be honest, they’re uncomfortable and sometimes intimidating. They have a legal duty to inform you about any concerns linked to SEND and from what you’ve described, everything they’ve said warrants a mention. My youngest daughter is the same age and is nearly ready for school now, doing phonics, circle time, writing her name, naming best friends at nursery, lining up, counting etc. these are all behaviours that fall within typical developmental guidelines, at this age I would be concerned if she wasn’t responding to her name consistently, following instructions etc. Is there any harm in asking to speak to the nursery SENCO to explore any next steps? Any support they can offer will surely only benefit your son? If not, could you speak to your health visitor and see if they have any advice at this point? I hope you’re ok, it’s a hard decision to make but if it is neurodivergency, early diagnosis will mean early intervention, resulting in best outcomes x

@LostandFounded the issue is he is not picking up the cue that the child is not interested in playing and he is then fixated on this child.

Listen to the experts.

Why do you think because he does it at home doesn't mean it is behaviour that can cause concern? If your child complained of a pain in his leg at home and limped and did the same at nursery, would you say he can't possibly have something wrong with his leg because he does the same in both settings.

You are not experienced with children's behaviour, nurseries are. They can spot when children are acting outside what they are expecting for his age. They are repeatedly telling you they have concerns, listen to them. It may just be that they give you pointers on how to address some of the behaviours or it might be that an assessment is required

If your husband doesn't believe in labels then you may have to ignore him for your child's sake, in this case your child is more important than him