Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

You seem to have very black and white views of what autism should look like, which seems to be making it difficult for you to consider the possibility of your child having it. It’s also making you see nursery’s suggestion as a criticism almost.

It’s important to remember that autism is a spectrum condition that goes from people who are non-communicative, needing 24/7 care to people who are fully independent, leading businesses and countries. What you’re picturing as ‘autism’ will only be one version of it and just because your son doesn’t match up to what you’re imagining doesn’t mean he doesn’t have it.

It can feel like a bit of a gut punch when there’s a possibility that there’s something ‘wrong’ with our children but try not to let those first emotions get in the way of finding out what’s going on. It may be nothing! But why wouldn’t you want to explore the possibility? Engage with nursery, have an assessment, see what’s going on - there is literally nothing to lose.

@LostandFounded OK, so you dont think your child is showing any cause for concern.

What exactly did you want to achieve by posting, if you are sure there's no issue?

Yes, because typically they'd be looking around at what's going on and wanting to play with other children. Another child shouting, or even just saying, their name should get a response even if its only 'go away'

I don't see the point of this thread, I have read through 10 pages of responses. It is easy to understand why you are so dismissive of the nursery's observations, because you have been dismissive to all responses here that suggest they could be traits. If you are adamant they are wrong, why not just let them do the assessment anyway so you can be proven wrong?

Your view of what an autistic person is is far too narrow. I don't have time to post much, but autistic people can be social, front rock bands, have a teaching (or other degree of course) etc etc. I have many examples. There's a young girl in my son's school with autism who is highly social and you likely wouldn't realize she's autistic. My child is autistic too.

Why do you not see how your child interacts with other children except their siblings? Do you not see them at kids groups, gatherings with family and friends, at the park etc? That sounds really socially isolating for all of you. Do you not enjoy socialising?

Your black and white views and refusal to listen to lived experience of others makes me wonder if you have anxiety or autism yourself and perhaps not seeing the issues.

My ex refuses to believe our diagnosed kids are ND... likely because so many of their traits are the same as his own. I'm sure he's undiagnosed autistic. I'm diagnosed ADHD.

If they suspect that your child is autistic then the last thing in the world they are thinking is that your child is naughty.

Your child may or may not be autistic. You need keep an open mind and do a bit of reading on the subject. Getting your back up won't do anyone any favours.

The behaviour the nursery mentioned sounds a lot like my sibling at that age. They also pointed (Im not sure why you kept mentioning that OP), engaged in play with me and other siblings, was/is incredibly chatty, hit the usual milestones for walking and potty training etc.

That same sibling is married with children, has many friendships, is incredibly successful in a much coveted, very competitive job role. That doesn't change the fact they are autistic.

I really wish the nursery or school had called out the possibility sooner for my sibling. If you have him assessed and you're right then great, but if you have him assessed and it takes you towards a diagnosis thats a step towards support that he could well benefit from.

I have met literally hundreds of children with autism throughout my career. Lots of them are very very different to each other.

So you know a few kids with autism and your child isn’t the same? That means nothing.

You are very much in denial here and the sad fact is, it will impact your child if they need support and don’t get it.

Not only that, there are so many children going on to primary school who need support in place and haven’t got it, this not only impacts the it impacts all the other children in the class and the teachers.

Wake up and educate yourself. They haven’t suggested this out of nowhere. They have good reason.

They shouldn't try to diagnose, but to inform you of concerns. They are experts in how a child of that age copes in a social situation without their parent. That is literally what they do all day and they will pick up very quickly that your child's behaviour differs. I think you should take heed, if it's a delay that rectifies itself then no harm done

I had a similar thought. A lot of my family is ND. The person who obviously struggles the most with every single responsibility of adulthood and has clear executive functioning struggles would probably push back in a big way if the subject was brought up.

Also, the flawed logic that bc her oldest was behind in speech and not ND, so why would her youngest be different? Um, bc they are two different people? And delayed speech is a common feature of autistic kids? It also sounds like she doesn't leave the house with her kids much.

Yes, even then. Especially then, because another child following you and shouting should be really annoying!
I have an autistic 19yr old. He would tell you it hasn't been a disability for him. We knew at 3, but had to fight another 7 years to get a diagnosis. He's at uni, just completed first year.
Your posts are rude and offensive. Autistic people are not all the same. My son could point too, bloody ridiculous to suggest that means he's not autistic 🙄

I work with a child in secondary school who has autistic traits. He is moving into year 8 with no diagnosis, no support and is already starting to struggle. His primary school had started the process of getting him assessed but for some reason his mother cancelled the process with the idea that he’d get a ‘fresh start’ at secondary school. So now this poor child will be struggling like a square peg in a round hole, won’t get any additional support for a couple of years and may have something in place by year 10 when all of the things we could do to help will be too little too late. We’re doing our best for him but he doesn’t get all the accommodations he could if he had his diagnosis and a support plan. Testing a child may or may not lead to a diagnosis, but educational psychologists can help even if your child only has a few traits.

Sorry if I was overly harsh op, it's just that you could set up a referral with less time spent than everyone is spending on this thread. If he's not nd, then it's no harm done.

I think childcare professionals are telling you there's something unusual in your dc's social interactions. That doesn't mean they are autistic, but I think they are doing the right thing flagging their observations.

The fact is that most nursery children will follow adult instructions, and will be motivated to talk and share their experiences with peers and staff.

It's entirely up to you if you don't think there are concerns, or if you'd prefer to watch and wait, but I don't see how this is badly intended.

I think it would be a good idea to get him checked out OP. It won't do any harm either way.

Same. We had to commission our own reports and apply ourselves- the LA was fine but the school didn't help at all. In fact, they tried to stop us - the lady at the LA said to me " why didn't they tell us this" when I went for meditation. "Leave it with me" she said and we got the plan AND a place at a private sen school with funded transport, salt and OT. The head was furious: "there are much more deserving children in this school" she told me. Basically had no clue about autism in girls. Her year 6 teacher told me he didnt think she was autistic, despite me giving him the CAMHS letter of diagnosis.

So, OP, this is how bad it can be to get even seasoned professionals to understand. You may find that the next setting is not as switched on. There may well be other kids with needs and if they are acting out and your child is quiet, they WILL prioritise the other children. This is the time to get some professional opinions at least.

We have some autistic children in the family and my husband really struggles to cope with their behaviour, even though they are what you would call high functioning

So it is better to ignore any signs because he can't cope? Kid is still going to be autistic if he is and it will be worse if ignored.

He won’t accept a diagnosis, neither will his family

Are they blood relatives of your child?

You have a husband and family problem then.

Autism is highly genetic. If there are several autistic children in the family already this hugely increases the likelihood of your children being autistic.

Which side of the family is the autism on? Or both? ND tend to attract each other 🤣

There is no downside to exploring the possibility of autism. There are many downsides for your DC of not doing so if they are ND

Unfortunately, autism is one of those things that isn't fixed. The 'severity' of autism changes throughout life, and early support allows for more successful outcomes. Your DS will be who he is regardless of whether you get a diagnosis of ASD on his file. But I can guarantee that he will fare better in life if his needs are recognised and he is given support at an early stage.

I'll give you 3 examples:

DD1 is now 20. Her ASD wasn't diagnosed until 15, although she was in special school from age 4. Because her ASD wasn't recognised, she didn't have ASD specific support. Some of her provision was actively harmful because her autistic overwhelm was seen as 'behaviour'. When she was in primary school, she was identified as one of the students that would be likely to go to the 'independent living hub' once she was 16 - they thought she had to potential to live a semi-independent life, have a job, etc. Because she was treated so badly, she developed an eating disorder at 14 (took until 15 for them to accept it and hospitalise her because of lockdown), now has severe mental health difficulties, and is very likely to need 24/7 support for the rest of her life.

DD2 is now 18. She showed signs of ASD at a very early age, but I was told she was anxious, copying her sister, etc. She was 11 when diagnosed with ASD. No support given in secondary until she fell apart in year 9. By year 10 she was out of school completely. Year 11 she started a special school and was put back to year 10. 2/3 of the way through that year, the special school hadn't listened when I told them that certain things they were doing were causing issues. She was out of school completely again by the March. She had a year on EOTAS, then another specialist school who have worked incredibly hard with her. She's now going to try college, 3 years behind where she should be, but will need extensive support in adulthood.

DD3 is now 17. She was very academic and masked very well. Sensory issues and OCD traits from early childhood, but not picked up or acknowledged at school. Fell apart in year 9. Diagnosed with OCD, ASD, ADHD. Then events happened that gave her PTSD. Now in a special school, 2 years behind.

This is why people are being so abrupt. You have a wonderful little boy who is just starting out in life. You are being told he is showing signs that he will struggle. You have the chance to get him the help he needs to be able to make the most of his skills and build strengths, overcoming weaknesses.

Please, please, don't throw that away.