Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

Is your dh possibly neurodiverse himself?

I appreciate your perspective, but I see this situation differently based on my own experience. I work with vulnerable children, and I’ve witnessed many cases where nursery staff have been quick to attach a label without the training or qualifications needed to make such a judgement. Observing behaviour is part of their role, but suggesting autism is not.

Just because a child isn’t following their peers doesn’t mean they have autism, and before making such a significant suggestion, staff should be seeking professional advice or guidance rather than relying on assumptions.

My own child was once believed to have autism. In reality, he had a significant speech delay and spoke using the back of his tongue instead of the front. He struggled to join in with typical play because he couldn’t communicate, so he created his own play environment.

He used to take a teacher’s hand to show what he needed, and he was shy and lacked confidence because he wasn’t understood.

He also had ongoing medical issues and anaphylactic allergies.

Instead of recognising that children develop differently and that his challenges were rooted in speech and health issues, he was labelled with autism. It was a premature and lazy conclusion. What he actually needed was intensive speech and language therapy, not a diagnosis based on surface-level observations

But that's exactly why ASD diagnostic services are multi-disciplinary. You didn't dismiss the flag - and to be honest, you're right, they probably shouldn't be mentioning ASD. They should be saying 'we've noticed areas where DS struggles and we think he would benefit from seeing a developmental paediatrician and having a SALT referral/'. However, what the OP is saying is that because her DH doesn't cope well with members of the family that are autistic, she doesn't agree that her DS has any difficulties. She then goes on to describe red flags for additional needs.

yes it’s other children in the family

The 'risk' of ASD doubles if a cousin has ASD, and is 10x if a sibling has ASD.

@LostandFounded which side of the family is autism on? If there is autism in the family why would you be so in denial that there is a possibility that your DS might have it?

I used to help parents of nursery children go through the ehc process. I met so many families where the father refused to accept it. In certain communities, it is not widely accepted or understood and some families would move abroad rather than have the child diagnosed

I remember one little boy whose parents split up and the father's side blamed the mum for working. For his difficulties. She couldn't cope and moved back to Wales and put her son into the local school without giving school any info - apparently that very day the school phoned mum and asked if the previous school had said anything.....

I had dads bewildered that their little boys wanted to play with dolls rather than play cricket. They couldn't handle it. It was very sad. But still the autism doesn't go away.

I wanted our eldest to get a diagnosis when he was 5. DH flat out refused because he thought it was a terrible idea and he adored DS and thought he was completely normal, just a bit sensitive, and was very reactive to the idea of labelling him.

I nodded at a lot of what @Lougle said.

By the time the wheels came off (and badly) when DS was 17, DH had moved his thinking (as a result of our experiences and very slowly educating himself) and is now at a place where he sees he himself is likely AuDHD, his dad (my FIL) is very very ASD (and yes, there are cousins littered throughout his side who are ND) and that DS's late and urgent and messy ASD diagnosis has probably saved his life.

(We are also fairly certain that I and my mum are also ASD but currently don't see the need in getting the adults diagnosed.)

I regret those lost 13 years to be honest, as I think DS would have had a much easier ride through childhood if the ASD diagnosis had been put in place then.

Both sides, cousins and second cousins

@LostandFounded so is your concern more about how your DH and his family will react rather than the actual potential diagnosis

So it sounds like the aunts end uncles have accepted the diagnosis for their kids but not grandparents and obviously your husband?

I voted YANBU, surprised to see so many votes saying you are.

Firstly I am sorry you’re going through this difficult time with the nursery. To offer some solace my brother was in a similar situation when he was younger, liked doing his own thing, wouldn’t engage in group activities, didn’t talk much etc. (this is going back almost 20 years ago). He was absolutely fine & has now just finished an apprenticeship earning more than 99% of people his age and is incredibly gifted.

I think some children ultimately enjoy doing their own thing. It’s not always autism. People are very quick to show the autism card.

I am sure your son will be absolutely fine you know him best x

Autism traits become quite apparently at around 18m-2y so it absolutely can be spotted at 3. Especially in those who have significant delays and traits.

They haven’t said he’s autisitic they are just making you aware of the behaviour he displays? It’s up to you wether a referral goes ahead or not…

Putting together all your messages... it sounds like you are scared of your oh's reaction. If he cant cope with your autistic relatives how would he cope with an autistic child?

But your child won't change just because oh won't accept their needs.

I forgot to add that my brother is a very normal young man - socialises, works, engages in conversations, goes out all the normal stuff! literally can’t tell that my mum ever worried about him all them years ago!

The ones on his side haven’t done any diagnosing but it’s quite clear their children have autism. My husband really really struggles with the behaviour to the extent he doesn’t want the children to come around and gets very irritated and annoyed. Even with the one on my side who I would say is very high functioning and doesn’t need support with things but has ADHD so tons of energy and bouncy, my husband just can’t stand it.

But your child's behaviour will be the same with or without a diagnosis. With a diagnosis he will get the right kind of support, without it he is in danger of just being labelled naughty - not by nursery but possibly by other people.

@LostandFounded is it possible DH is ND?

no not at all he’s like the poster boy for neurotypical I think that’s why he finds any neurodiverse behaviour irritating

Your posts make me sad OP. You are talking about a little boy who can't follow instructions, has a speech delay and from what you have said he doesn't play with other children at nursery. All of these could be signs that your child has autism. He 'could' be a little boy with a life long disability and issues, just like my little boy was at aged 3.
Autism is a disability, its not a term used to 'label' (hate that phrase) naughty children or children we don't like, it's a lifelong disability associated with difficulties with social interaction, communication, attention span, and focus. Whether your husband accepts it or not doesn't change the outcome if your son does have autism.
My son has a diagnosis of high functioning autism and is now 18. He is very obviously different to anyone that meets him, his autism is quite disabling for him and has caused significant issues for him and I expect it always will do. It breaks my heart every day. My job as mum is to love and accept him for who he is, to fill him with love so that he has enough love in him to keep him going when I am no longer here to look after him. Life is hard enough for him. For your difficulties and disability not to be accepted is downright cruel. Life will be hard enough for many people with autism sadly, they need love and acceptance for who they are. Your husband has a serious problem if he doesn't want to help his child. It will only end in more problems if he isn't accepted. Would he have the same attitude if your child had a genetic disability or physical disability? Or is it just neurodiversity that is unacceptable. You both need to be on board and help your son now.

You’re not qualified to make that evaluation, OP.

Look, I have no idea if your DS is autistic. I have significant experience of autism as a parent and in my job. The traits observed by nursery alone would probably warrant a ‘watchful waiting’ approach. You’ve since told us that there is a history of autism on both sides of the family.

You also have a DH displaying rigid and inflexible thinking on the subject of neurodiversity. This is purely anecdotal but I have noticed a strong correlation between parents who react extremely negatively to any suggestion that their child might benefit from assessment, and undiagnosed neurodiversity in the parent. It seems to tap into something that the adult knowns about themself but has buried very deeply.

Given all this, I think you would be doing your son a disservice if you blocked attempts to help him with assessment or support. I wish you the best of luck.

I mean I think he sounds more ND than you are thinking he is. I don't think it's uncommon for ND people to find other ND people overwhelming at all. I'm not saying he is, just that is not proof at all.

Honestly, it’s incredibly likely then isn’t it.
Get your child assessed so that they can access support if needed.
If they don’t need it then great. It’s really not worth the mental health risks that can come with unsupported autism, especially as they reach teenage years.

What about you?

Your description of how he is with nieces and nephews doesn't really fit with this.

What makes you think hes a NT poster boy?