Nursery hinting my 3 year old has autism.

[LostandFounded]

I have two DC. DC1 10, DC2 3.

My youngest child’s nursery have recently hinted they think they might be autistic. The reasons they have given is that my child doesn’t listen, doesn’t do what the other kids are doing, is always on their own agenda and doesn’t answer or turn to their name. One example they gave is when everyone else is sat doing circle time my child won’t join in and wants to carry on doing their own thing. My child does also have some speech issues which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying (not massively difficult though). They also asked about hearing tests which have come back with no issues. This is my second child and with my first they also had some speech issues but now at 10 they are fine with no diagnosis and nobody has ever said anything about them having autism. I am quite frustrated as this is my second child and I know my children better than anyone, I am sure my second child will grow up to be similar to my first one who definitely doesn’t have autism and as I said in their life (even though there were speech issues very early on) no autism was ever mentioned. I’m not sure what to do going forward as I feel nursery doesn’t understand my child and will treat them differently as they have hinted at these autistic traits. I also think my child is only 3 how can you possibly suggest that, I’m sure there are many children who were similar and did not go on to have autism, not sure how that can be suggested at only 3.

Probably because he can walk and point, things she seems to think autistic people can’t do

Don't forget he's probably sociable too.

In what way is he the poster boy for neurotypical?

@LostandFounded I think it's good that it's been picked up. It may not even be anything - but being aware of possibilities is a very good thing. It helps make better decisions and find the help your son might need. My daughter didn't get diagnosed till much much later, it would have helped to have this insight earlier. And also having a diagnosis doesn't have to be a negative thing. My daughter got straight A's in her A'levels and a first in her degree.

Because they have experience of working with 100's of children of this age and they are telling you that the behaviours they are seeing are not particularly common, hence then mentioning it. If loads of three year olds acted just like your child, they wouldn't be mentioning it to you. That's not to say that your child is autistic/not, but it sounds like they are behaving differently to the vast majority of children that the nursery have experience of.

Surely a poster boy would be accepting of differences

He just ‘can’t stand’ when the children come over that are autistic (his words), I don’t know how he would even begin to cope.

This is what it says on google:

In a busy place, a 3.5-year-old might not respond to their name due to sensory overload, deep focus on their surroundings, or general toddler distraction.

What can’t he stand? Their behaviour or the fact he is uneducated about autism and doesn’t understand it. It sounds like you are doing your child a disservice just because his dad is naive.

i have met some wonderful children who have had an autism diagnosis, at first you wouldn’t even think they have any “issues” regarding it and it’s not until they are in your company more and more that you can see their little quirks.

You are confusing me now in addition to making me feel very sad for your little boy...
Are you saying that you won't pursue any help for him because your (D)H couldn't accept a diagnosis?
It your job as a parent to support and nurture your child

On occasion but not regularly

The behaviour. He finds other kids really irritating anyway, with one of our family members for example they are very high functioning and I would say no additional help needed really but they are very hyper active so do have the tendency to do things like jump around and be bouncy, like jumping up and down in the bedroom and my husband gets so irritated and it’s things like this he cannot stand.

So what do you/he do.of your child is energetic?

If it becomes clearer that these actually are autistic traits and it’s not just the nursery making an issue of it then obviously we will have to do something I just don’t know how my husband will cope or accept it..

Our older DC doesn’t behave like that.

But you said your child doesn’t always respond to you so you have to raise your voice, so it isn’t just at busy nursery

But a diagnosis won't make your son behave like that. If he does (and it is possible his behaviour could get difficult as he gets older) then at least you will have strategies to deal with it. Having him assessed won't make his behaviour difficult.

Surely you should be putting your child before your husband? If he can’t cope or accept it then you need to leave him

That is the behaviour for most children that age but the nursery staff are telling you his behaviour is different from the others. If it was within the normal range they wouldn't be telling you that.

Both my twins boys are autistic - one was diagnosed at 7 but in hindsight the signs were there from 3 ish. Similar to what your nursery is saying - he was on his own agenda, not interested in joining in with the others etc. He was delayed with speech but that is also common with twins so didn't raise red flags at the time. It was when he started school and both behaviour and social expectations increased that things started to go wrong (anxiety, couldn't attend school, aggressive behaviour as he was finding it all so difficult etc) and that's when he was referred. I wish we'd known sooner as we could have put more support in place for the transition to school and at school.
His twin sailed through nursery/primary and I would have said was as neurotypical as they come. Went up to secondary school and fell apart within two terms. Never returned to mainstream school, diagnosed at 14 last year.

Both of them are academically able, have friends, have no speech issues (although do sometimes struggle with social communication) and now they have the appropriate support are doing well in school.

In your case I would be open to what nursery is saying, and either consider assessment now or keep a close eye so you can refer for assessment if/when more traits emerge. Only trained clinicians can assess and diagnose your child and the nursery may well be wrong and he's not autistic at all. But if he is, the sooner he is diagnosed the better.

Sounds like your oh gets sensory overwhelm or has difficulties socialising... which again points towards ND.

Perhaps reading more about autism would be helpful. We have numerous ND in our close family and all are so different depending upon the specific diagnoses and also personality and age. The traits at pre school age are totally different to those now.

Funnily enough if you met them now you'd probably not notice my older child as autistic but the younger one definitely would be obvious. But actually overall the older one struggles far more and is at an autism school.

So this is basically what it comes down to and the fact you are in a family which won't accept diagnosis and you are facing an uphill struggle with your husband on this.

The fact you have autistic children within the family, really only adds to the likelihood that your child is autistic.

Your DH is liable to deny. This will make things a lot harder in the long run. I know a couple who do this and it made things a lot worse, including behaviour.

Early support is the best way to manage any potential behavioural issues before they get out of control.

@LostandFounded this must be very hard for you. It sounds to me like you're at the start of a long journey for your family. I hope that your DH can be supported to support his son.

What if they did? What would your husband do.ifnyour child was jumping around being silly?

What will your husband do.if your child IS autistic?

i would say not responding to name unless shouted at and a speech delay is a concern. Child on their own agenda and not trying circle time, added to the other things, makes it a bigger concern.