partner keeps saying he’s “fine” because he got someone pregnant before + I feel blamed

[Airyfairy500]

We’ve been trying for a baby for around a year with no success. I already have a child from a previous relationship.

I’ve had a scan suggesting possible endometriosis on one ovary. My GP has said my partner needs a semen analysis before they’ll investigate me further. He’s agreed, but keeps brushing it off and making comments that are really upsetting me.

He says he got someone pregnant years ago during a “pregnancy scare” (she had an early abortion), so his sperm is obviously fine. He also said things besides this recent matter that his dad conceived quickly so he must have “good sperm”, and that his younger brother is trying for a baby so we need to “hurry up”. Although he’s not saying it to be mean it feels like he’s brushing things of like something that can just be done.

I got a bit defensive and argued well I’ve had a child. The rest of it I didn’t verbalise it but I said it in my head as it was mean. The thing I thought was how did you even know it was yours if you wasn’t with the girl.

I don’t think he means harm, but I’m really struggling. I feel like he’s dismissing everything on the basis of “I got someone pregnant before” and as I am doing investigations for endometriosis I’m the clear reason. Overall it’s all starting to affect me.

It’s very easy to play dad to some else’s child, when you know that the responsibility ultimately doesn’t lay with you. And it’s very easy to say you want a child. He’s cracked those bits. Now anything that’s a bit difficult or not nice to think about, and he’s pushing it out the way and doesn’t want to deal with it.

I think you’ll regret having a child with this man.

Hes not trying though is he.
He is:
Doing the bare minimum
Shifting the responsibility into you
Comparing you and him

None of these echo working as a team, loyalty, trust and respect.

Id have the ick. Do not have a baby with someone who cannot be arsed to show up for you in something like this

He’s being a bit thick. The first step of any fertility treatment is a sperm test. It’s far easier, less evasive and cheap for the NHS to carry out than investigations on a woman.

He literally has to get a sample pot from the doctor’s, wank in it and hand it back. If you want fertility treatment on the NHS which runs in to thousands saying ‘I’m fine, I got a bird pregnant years ago and she aborted it’ doesn’t really cut it.

If you expect IVF, you need to investigate why you need it.

Maybe you should use that fact as a retort next time he mentions his fertility again. Let him feel how hurtful his words have been for you. I don’t usually think that sinking ti the other person’s level is the way to go, but he seems to deserve if.

I agree she shouldn’t have a child with him - he sounds a complete arse. But I don’t think it’s so much that he doesn’t want a child - more that he’s avoiding the testing because his male ego can’t accept that he might be the one with the problem.

You both have the right to be upset and emotional. Sadly, we live in a society that has quite a lot of toxic issues around both men and women.
Men have to be virile. They can't talk about emotions or feelings. It's ok for women to talk about this fertility stuff-not for men!
It's easy to say the right answer. Of course he should get checked, and of course he shouldn't be saying this stuff!
But cut him, and yourself, a lot of slack right now. Talk to him about this. He absoloutely can be a great dad and partner, but to do so, he needs to sideline these old attitudes for both of your sakes.

Basically he is scared to get his sperm tested cause he is worried that it is his "fault". That would be emasculating for him. Instead of working through his feelings he is bringing up past pregnancy as a proof that he is a real man and comes from a generation of real men. I think he is doing it to concvince himself. Otherwise he would just go get himself tested.

Very few of the men in the couples I’ve worked with did any research.

Mainly because if you can’t get pg, the next step is IVF and IVF is seen as a woman thing. And yes women are the ones doing it all.
Even when the issue is male fertility factor, they basically just need an ejaculate to do ICSI instead. Whilst the woman still does the whole IVF stuff.

It’s a crap way to look at things btw.
But I haven’t seen many men who felt as ‘involved’

He sounds ignorant and not really 'father material', if I'm honest. He may want a baby in theory, but that doesn't mean he wants one enough to go to any trouble for it. He doesn't sound mature enough to be a good father (or a good partner).

He sounds thick. Like, REALLY thick.

Dont do it. What if your baby inherits the stoopid?

A pregnancy is not a 'pregnancy scare'. Your partner is a wazzock.

This is exactly what I thought on reading your post.
Don’t do it

Get him checked. We conceived #1 in a few months. Started trying for #2 9 months postpartum, and it just wasn't happening. Down the line I was diagnosed with pcos and my OH had such a bad quality semen the doctor felt it couldn't even fertilise an egg in a dish and we'd need to pay few grand extra for them to manually fertilise the (inject the sperm inside the egg, icsi). We managed to fix it so didn't need IVF in the end. Your OH needs to be committed to the process ie have testing and commit to improving his sperm quality irrespective of the results.

The doctor hasn't found anything obviously wrong with you yet so it could well be mostly him. He sounds a bit daft thinking his dad's performance has any relevance to his sperm quality.

Agree its natures way of making you take a step back and reconsider

too dumb and insensitive

He's being ridiculous, people can become infertile at any point so the fact that he wasn't infertile in the past is irrelevant. Male factor infidelity can start because of lifestyle or even some infections can cause it. He doesn't sound like a very nice man, do you really want to have children with him?

Sadly it doesnt work that way. We conceived our first dc on the first month. Second dc took 18 months , we had the checks and dh sperm count was wonky , 3 months of supplements and dc2 was conceived. Diet , stress , weight , medication can all affect sperm count , quality etc. Your dp needs to get the sperm test done if he is serious about a baby

We’ve been trying for just under a year and did fertility checks at 6 months (we’re over 35).

My DH doesn’t do research but he is engaged; taking fertility vitamins, booked his sperm analysis immediately when it was suggested by the dr, etc. His first analysis showed some quality issues so he made all the required changes to improve it.

I had a miscarriage this month and I don’t know what I’d have done without his support. If your partner is insensitive and defensive about just having his sperm analysed, will he give you the support you need if there’s complications or difficult times along the way?

Sorry - this man is tell you who he is, you're not listening

I would not have children with him if I was you

It doesn’t sound like he’s being much of a team on this one. It could be defensiveness but he does also sound less than supportive. I’d just not speak about it anymore and if he raises it just say “well, let’s just get the test done as it’s the next part of the process” and leave it at that. Dont engage in this “whose fault is it?” Nonsense. I’d also carefully evaluate all of the rest of his behaviours to check you want to go ahead with this. Before you get pregnant is the ideal time to see his red flags and back away.

Loads of occupations and activities could impact his sperm quality.
Firefighter, florist, painter, taxi or bus driver, baker, welder, farmer, radiologist.

It sounds like for whatever reason (fear, pressure, limited understanding, whatever) you could move this on more easily by reframing it. He's seeing it as a test he can fail, which feels like pressure. You can reframe it as a hoop he has to jump through to get to the next step. You can say that these first stage tests will probably be fine given you've both been involved in pregnancies before but it's not possible to proceed without checking the box.

I think he's probably worried about letting you down, so if be a little bit gentler than some other posters.

He needs to get checked and then you will both know one way or the other. No point in speculating.

You shouldn't assume there is anything wrong with either of you. A lot of infertility is unexplained. It took about 3 years for DS to be conceived and I was a surprise to my mum and dad who had first started ttc 14 years before she became pregnant with me! They decided to let nature take it's course and had long since thought it wouldn't happen.

I voted YABU because I don’t know why you’d want to have a baby with someone who doesn’t appear to be good dad material.

He sounds thick, insensitive and passive. Why do you want him to father your child?

Not a dig at you, but emasculating is such an annoying term, women dont have a similar word to use when their egos are damaged, but men need a special term so we all know to pander to it.

Ultimately OP, hes putting his ego first.