partner keeps saying he’s “fine” because he got someone pregnant before + I feel blamed

[Airyfairy500]

We’ve been trying for a baby for around a year with no success. I already have a child from a previous relationship.

I’ve had a scan suggesting possible endometriosis on one ovary. My GP has said my partner needs a semen analysis before they’ll investigate me further. He’s agreed, but keeps brushing it off and making comments that are really upsetting me.

He says he got someone pregnant years ago during a “pregnancy scare” (she had an early abortion), so his sperm is obviously fine. He also said things besides this recent matter that his dad conceived quickly so he must have “good sperm”, and that his younger brother is trying for a baby so we need to “hurry up”. Although he’s not saying it to be mean it feels like he’s brushing things of like something that can just be done.

I got a bit defensive and argued well I’ve had a child. The rest of it I didn’t verbalise it but I said it in my head as it was mean. The thing I thought was how did you even know it was yours if you wasn’t with the girl.

I don’t think he means harm, but I’m really struggling. I feel like he’s dismissing everything on the basis of “I got someone pregnant before” and as I am doing investigations for endometriosis I’m the clear reason. Overall it’s all starting to affect me.

He sounds immature. He’s deflecting and does not seem like a supportive partner who is with you on this journey. Why does he want one is it because his brother is TTC. He doesn’t sound like he’d be a very hands on partner/father.

He sounds dreadful.

My question is why are you even considering having a child with such a fool?

He is not father material.

Poor baby - this sounds an awful environment to bring one into.

Fertility tests are very stressful so it's understandable that he doesn't want to think about if the result comes back and shows problems and is just burying his head in the sand. It's a shame he can't open up to you and share his concerns, or at least show more concern for how you're feeling because you should be in this together.

He’s being an ignorant prick. I wouldn’t bother honestly.

He sounds like an utter numpty. I don't think his genetic material should be passed on!

What if that first pregnancy wasn't his? He only has the other woman's words.

Try to explain to him the reason they always start by testing the mans sperm is its less invasive as all the tests women need to go through. You both need to be in this together. If it turns out you do need any fertility treatment you need to support each other. Its a stressful time and you need to be a team.

This is like a man with a bald patch denying it because he's "always had hair".

It could just be that he's embarrassed by the tests. I wouldn't argue with him about whether he is fine or not, just say it's just the process, they do it in this order, your bit then my bit. Can we just jump through these hoops please? It's the fastest only way to get it done.

Completely understand why people are telling you to be wary of proceeding, but you know him and we don't.

I genuinely don’t think he will be a bad dad. I see how he is with my child from a previous relationship he’s been good to us for years and is a good person. He hasn’t booked the test as I spoke to the doctor yesterday and had that convo with him. I’m just upset as his claim to fertility is this pregnancy scare from ages and it feels like a hit as it’s not happening for us so hearing about someone from years ago when you was younger that you got pregnant when I’m not getting pregnant is something I just don’t need to hear.

it’s good to hear everyone’s opinions as I needed someome to talk to about it. I’ve internalised this whole situation as my fault an because it’s not him with the obvious problems I feel like he’s very like just don’t worry about it it’s gonna get sorted and happen like it’s that easy

He sounds really unpleasant and I’d think twice about having a child with him especially as you already have a child to care for. I’m guessing he was in his 20s when he got a woman pregnant? And now late 30s or older? His sperm won’t be the same especially after years of abusing his body.

@Airyfairy500 you should be able to tell him exactly what you've just said in your last post, that hearing about this supposed pregnancy scare from years ago is upsetting you and he should be able to hear that and understand not to go on about it.

Ideally you both would be looking at this as being a team. There may be an issue somewhere, it doesn't matter which one of you it is, it may be a combination of things. Regardless, you can work together to sort it out, or come to terms with it if that's not possible.

He sounds like he doesn't actively want a child, to be honest, more like "if it happens without much effort, fine" kinda attitude, which is worrying in itself when you know how much work having a newborn, a baby, and a very young child is, not comparable at all to taking care of an older stepchild as he is currently, so I wouldn't take that as an example of him being a good potential dad and support to you.

If he really wanted to, he would.

I voted YABU because seriously, I don't think he's the right man to get pregnant with-he has potentially damaged his sperm with heavy drinking. Does he feel less of a man because you didn't immediately fall pregnant? How come you get the blame when he already had a child, but shock, horror, so did you! Not too bright...

Then he’s thick as mince or an imbecile for not communicating this.

No one’s asking him to put an advert in the local press, but an inability to be vulnerable and communicate clearly with your partner who you are trying to have a baby with is a red flag. Even more so when the way you are communicating it is to put down your partner and make them feel bad about it.

Has he some outdated stance on male pride? If he thinks his swimmers are up to no good he won't be able to cope?

Anyway, without working with you as a couple, I would be worried about having a child with him anyway. You're supposed to work together as a team to sort through problems and there will be loads of problems having a child together - it's really hard work.

The universe is telling you not to have a baby with this ‘man’.
Think haven’t hard -do you really want to be tied to him for life?

I did tell him it upset me and he said he never meant for it to be that way, he was trying in his head to be logical in the terms of would they test him as he’s got someone pregnant before. I just feel like he not understanding what I’m going through and how talking about things like getting someone pregnant before is triggering for me. Or even though he was joking about it, tell us hurrying up because of his brother. I don’t think he knows the pressure it gives me when I don’t even know what’s going on with my own body. I don’t say it to him but I don’t feel like he fully understand that having a child isnt as simple as what he thinks it is because he’s never had one before and I think in life people talk about having kids as something so easy.

He says he’s not doing it to be mean and he’s here for me etc which i know he wouldn’t intentionally be horrible. but I believe he doesn’t really understand what I’m going through with all this uncertainty because at the moment it’s me with the problems and it makes me feel like focus is on me

Hes had the snip.

I think his response is gross on 2 counts: he’s using a time when a woman had to go through an abortion as proof of his manhood (he did not need to bring this up and should have just had the humility to say “I’ll get tested and rule anything out”), and he’s saying you need to get on with it because he’s in some kind of race with his brother 🤢

I take it you’re not even married? How dare he say you need to “hurry up”. I wouldn’t be having a baby with him.

He certainly doesn't understand that sperm are created all the time and that his lifestyle or other issues can affect his sperm quality. What it was like years ago is not relevant to now. Did you point that out to him? And, of course they'd test him, because its non-invasive and easy to do. Isn't that quite obvious?

He sounds like a massive twat. I would not want a man like that as a partner, or as the father of my child.

Why on earth do you want a chils with him? Do you really think a child deserves this for a father? And what about your own child in all this?