partner keeps saying he’s “fine” because he got someone pregnant before + I feel blamed

[Airyfairy500]

We’ve been trying for a baby for around a year with no success. I already have a child from a previous relationship.

I’ve had a scan suggesting possible endometriosis on one ovary. My GP has said my partner needs a semen analysis before they’ll investigate me further. He’s agreed, but keeps brushing it off and making comments that are really upsetting me.

He says he got someone pregnant years ago during a “pregnancy scare” (she had an early abortion), so his sperm is obviously fine. He also said things besides this recent matter that his dad conceived quickly so he must have “good sperm”, and that his younger brother is trying for a baby so we need to “hurry up”. Although he’s not saying it to be mean it feels like he’s brushing things of like something that can just be done.

I got a bit defensive and argued well I’ve had a child. The rest of it I didn’t verbalise it but I said it in my head as it was mean. The thing I thought was how did you even know it was yours if you wasn’t with the girl.

I don’t think he means harm, but I’m really struggling. I feel like he’s dismissing everything on the basis of “I got someone pregnant before” and as I am doing investigations for endometriosis I’m the clear reason. Overall it’s all starting to affect me.

In response to some comments I’ve not pointed out his sperm quality to him. Even though I know what this can all be a thing because at the end of the day I have endometriosis so me saying about his sperm won’t change anything.

Also the marriage situation I’ve been married (divorced now) and isn’t really something I find massive importance in

Fertility is a difficult issue for men and women. It goes without saying your feelings about his comments are entirely valid. I would say that his feelings, potentially fear, denial and hope for a simple solution might be equally valid as well. Truth is, neither of you really know what the other is thinking and feeling, and without communicating, it is a guess. He might not have articulated this well, or even full understand how it is making him feel... and none of us are as perfect as we hope to be in every situation.

I'm not sure always looking for red flags or expecting perfection helps people build good relations or grow as we all must. Making mistakes is part of life - learning form them is where the growth comes. Talk to him about how you are feeling, how his comments make you feel and hopefully he'll be able to do the same.

How does he not know that fertility issues exist/why hasnt he bothered to do ANY reading on this.
Whats he going to be like with other issues?
Child has behavioural issues
'Just tell them to stop'
Child has eating issues
'Just tell them to eat'

Do you have to have a baby with THIS man? This is such beginner level partnership and he's falling short, this is the kind of red flag people talk about, can you see that?

Possible endo on one ovary isn't a definitive diagnosis that the reason for no pregnancy yet is down to your fertility though. Hence the need for further investigations. And of course there's no point doing that if there is an obvious issue with your partner's sperm quality.

He may be worried and anxious about his fertility, but surely he can also recognise you are too, and that you should both be supporting each other and being kind.

He's not a proven sire.
All they need to test him is a thimbleful of semen, a glass slide, coverslip and microscope. Vets in the back arse of nowhere do this regularly for bulls and rams in between TB testing cattle, calving cows and vaccinating puppies. It's low tech, non invasive, cheap and quick. So he needs to bloody well get on with it.

What health issues is he having?

Given what you've said about him being a good guy etc, just not being nice in this situation, I would be inclined to say he is very anxious and nervous that it is him and is overcompensating out of that anxiety. He may of course just be a jerk about it, but assuming historically he hasn't been, male infertility can be quite emasculating. He could be very worried that it is him, given you do have a child already so clearly you can. And is trying to persuade himself, as much as you, that he has managed to get someone pregnant in the past so must be fine.

He is still in the wrong with what he is doing, but maybe worth a gentle conversation to assure him that you won't think any less of him if the test results show any issues, and help reassure any anxiety he may have. Hopefully he comes round soon, and you get any the help you need to have a child together.

He sounds a bits dense if he thinks these things.

I think any man who reacts like this is an arse.

But having worked with women who were struggling to conceive, it’s a very ‘normal’ attitude. Normal as in the norm, common.
Men seem to have major ha guys aroubd ther fertility. As if not being fertile enough was saying something about them as a man. It goes deep.

It also reflects the fact most fertility treatments are about the women. Even when are the issue (eg in IVF).

It’s shit for the woman. And the least a man can do is to be supportive and do the tests.

Btw you can’t diagnose endometriosis on a scan. So I’d be careful to base assumptions (it must be you. It can’t be him) just on that.

He sounds pathetic. Ick

He sounds stupid, insecure, dismissive and not supportive. And with health issues. It's not exactly a list of qualities anyone would want in a man they're planning on having a child with. And "don’t think he will be a bad dad" isn't a ringing endorsement from you either.

Honestly OP I think you need to step back from this all a bit and point out to yourself how nonsensical he is being. Say "Ridikulus" to the boggert. You've had a child, he thinks he's got someone pregnant. Any argument from him that he somehow had superior fertility to you based on those facts alone is sheer nonsense.

Whatever the issue is it is not the fault of either of you, and it's important to remember that. He is making it about blame and already blaming you, with zero evidence to go on. It's silly and wrong and you are quite right to call him out and tell him how it feels.

Well I hope you don’t get post natal depression because he sounds like a bit of a thicko to me. How old is he? Sperm quality deteriorates as men get older.

Having been through this and out the other side, I agree with @youplonkerrodney .

When you are scared, you can act in stupid ways or say stupid things.

My underlying fear going into the testing was I hope it's not my fault or my DH might leave me. He had given me no reason to think that before, during or after - but that was my biggest fear. Maybe your DH is having similar thoughts.

He might be struggling to process this - men aren't known for sharing issues with their mates down the pub on this sort of subject. He probably isn't talking to anyone, so it's building up in his head.

Maybe a weekend away, in a relaxed environment might help you both have a healthy conversation about everything. Reassure each other.

Contrary to what other posters are saying, I think a central issue here is that you’re failing to communicate openly with him. You’ve referenced several times the things you haven’t said to him, alongside expressing concern that he doesn’t understand certain things such as your feelings.

Going through infertility, you have to be able to share your thoughts and feelings openly with each other. He appears to be sharing his thoughts but you’re keeping quiet about yours, and then getting upset that he doesn’t understand how you feel. It’s a recipe for disaster.

You can’t know if you have endometriosis without key hole surgery. I bet his sperm quality is a mess due to being older and bad lifestyle etc and that’s why you haven’t fallen pregnant. He sounds awful.

He sounds quite dim - you’ve had a child before so you can say exactly the same thing! Things can change for both men and women.

His reasoning is illogical. Of the two of you, you’re the only one who has a child brought to term so you’re the one with the far stronger claim to nothing wrong. All he has is hearsay he once got someone pregnant for a few months. You have evidence your eggs and body carried a baby to full term, he does not have evidence his sperm can produce a pregnancy that lasts more than a few months. As pp pointed out, he can’t even know for certain it was his sperm, whereas as as a mother there is no doubt with you it was your egg and womb.

So that’s the glaringly obvious rebuttal to his point.

But I’m nitpicking. The doctors are telling him the obvious - why should they do invasive checks on you without even checking his sperm. He should be more willing to support you and possibly enabling you to avoid invasive medical procedures by at the very least getting his sperm checked - a non invasive procedure.

He may be a good guy, but surely being a good guy also means educating yourself, as well as getting off your arse and doing what's needed? The fact that he hasn't had his sperm tested indicates he's somewhat lazy, dim and probably a bit misogynistic if he thinks there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with his sperm.

You have bigger problems here OP, he IS refusing to get the test, otherwise he wouldn't be talking nonsense and he would have done it by now, it's pointless defending his actions, when his actions are speaking louder than words.

The bigger issue here is that you don't feel you can communicate with him.

He will not be a good dad, listen to what everyone is telling you, aside from him dismissing you completely, being a step parent is no indication of being a parent.. in his mind the responsibility falls to you when it is your child and he will act EXACTLY the same with a shared child.. he even sees fertility as your problem to solve, and you are both completely unable to communicate over a very simple thing, he is not parent material and never will be.

I don't mean this to sound harsh but I firmly believe that some things happen (or don't happen) for a reason, you need to pay attention to the signs and read you own words back to see the pattern here.

The thing I thought was how did you even know it was yours if you wasn’t with the girl.

I don’t think he means harm, but I’m really struggling.

I’ve not pointed out his sperm quality to him. Even though I know what this can all be a thing

I never bring up the fact I conceive easily for my child

I’ve internalised this whole situation as my fault

I don’t say it to him but I don’t feel like he fully understand that having a child isnt as simple as what he thinks it is

This relationship would be over if that was said to me. As for the hurry up comment, he 100% blames you for not having conceived yet.

I think you need to worry more about his brain cells than his sperm.
Do you want a dc who may be born with his level of intelligence.

Well, OP, you know him and we don’t, but he doesn’t sound a good guy to me. Either that or he’s none too bright, or both.

Are you willing to carry the load of doing and thinking for you both (plus children) for the foreseeable?

The OP isn't going to listen. Everyone is saying the same thing which is relevant to me. Good luck to the baby as this is not a forever relationship.