partner keeps saying he’s “fine” because he got someone pregnant before + I feel blamed

[Airyfairy500]

We’ve been trying for a baby for around a year with no success. I already have a child from a previous relationship.

I’ve had a scan suggesting possible endometriosis on one ovary. My GP has said my partner needs a semen analysis before they’ll investigate me further. He’s agreed, but keeps brushing it off and making comments that are really upsetting me.

He says he got someone pregnant years ago during a “pregnancy scare” (she had an early abortion), so his sperm is obviously fine. He also said things besides this recent matter that his dad conceived quickly so he must have “good sperm”, and that his younger brother is trying for a baby so we need to “hurry up”. Although he’s not saying it to be mean it feels like he’s brushing things of like something that can just be done.

I got a bit defensive and argued well I’ve had a child. The rest of it I didn’t verbalise it but I said it in my head as it was mean. The thing I thought was how did you even know it was yours if you wasn’t with the girl.

I don’t think he means harm, but I’m really struggling. I feel like he’s dismissing everything on the basis of “I got someone pregnant before” and as I am doing investigations for endometriosis I’m the clear reason. Overall it’s all starting to affect me.

Sounds like he’s being quite defensive to me, maybe he is slightly concerned about himself underneath it all.

I had difficulty conceiving DC2, and so we made an appointment with my GP who told me “There’s nothing wrong with (ExH’s) sperm, he’s already proved himself”. Same misogynistic attitude but from a doctor!

He’s willing to take the sperm test a never said he wouldn’t. It’s the fact he keeps talking about this pregnancy scare years ago to prove his fertility. I never bring up the fact I conceive easily for my child so I find it unhelpful he uses that to refer to him being ok

I would stop TTC until he agrees to cooperate with the investigation. I think maybe some counselling together might be useful. Despite his words I wonder if he thinks it really might be him and he doesn't want to face the it could be?

My uncle was unable to father children. He's dad had 5 children, his two brothers had 2 and 3 children even though one of them as a child was told that it would be very unlikely that he would be able to have children. Another person's fertility doesn't reflect on your own.

He might not be ‘thick as mince’ or ‘an imbecile’.

He might be privately very anxious about the possibility that he may be the one with fertility issues (as obviously he knows you already have a child) and his casual attitude is to deflect away from this possibility, which he doesn’t feel able to face. He may be saying these things more to convince himself than to convince you.

Not saying that his approach is right or helpful, and it is clearly causing pain to you. But he is a human being who is hoping for a child (in his case, his first).

I think there is room for a little more curiosity and empathy than most posters are giving here.

OP, the unspoken blaming will not take you or your partner anywhere positive. I think you both need to explain to him how you are feeling (without accusation) but be very honest. Share your hopes and fears and what you need from him as a partner. And allow him to do likewise. Show each other some compassion.

Does he understand that you'll be using the same system you previously used succesfully to have a child but he will be using a totally different batch of sperm that he has only just produced?

This. His attitude is a red flag so I would think about whether you want to procreate with someone that ignorant @Airyfairy500

He's insensitive and not very bright, and these things don't tend to disappear when children arrive. They get worse.

I wouldn't have a child with him.

Love it 😀

But you said he keeps brushing the test off? So he said he'd be ok to do it, but in reality isn't getting round to organising it? Or is that not the case?

You really sure you want to have a kid with someone that dim?

We all spent our 20's heavily drinking. What do you mean, its caught up with him

This.

An ex drinker who eats junk, isnt that young or that healthy. Something tells me you’ll be doing all the work with this child if you do have one.

It’s not what he’s saying, it’s what he isn’t saying.
Read between the lines OP.
He’s not keen on more kids but is too gutless to admit it.
Time to make a plan ….

“I’ve known him for years and he’s a good guy” sounds like you’re describing a mate.

@SilenceInside i mean as in he said he will do it but is brushing off what is actually going on. Like he will do the test but feels like he’s implying it’s fine anyways as “his sperm is working”

A cousin of mine had secondary fertility issues. After years of investigation and surgery and drugs and failure and heartbreak, her H finally had a sperm test which showed major issues. His nerves about a simple test were more important to him than putting her through years of misery.

@Cheese55 as in he’s seeing the doctor as he’s having health issues

Bloody hell! What did you say?

I'd have had to ask him was he sure it was his, but I'm mean and petty if someone is being an arse to me

oh the good dad thing........he doesn't sound like he would be, or in fact is being, a good partner because good partners don't just brush their partner off......I am sorry that you are having to go through this, but better to know now.

If he's arranged the test and will go through with it, I would just not engage in any discussion about it until you get the test results. Is he likely to be unpleasant to you if it turns out that there is nothing shown as in issue in the test results?

He sounds a bit of a knob. What are his good qualities? Is he involved with the care for your child?

so has he booked it?