AIBU to expect neighbours to accept our approved house rebuild plans?

[WarmLimeLurker]

DH and I recently bought what we hope will be our forever home. We were only able to do so because of inheritance DH inherited from his late father, and I'd inherited from my grandfather years ago. I'd kept my inheritance invested for around 12 years, and together we were able to buy the property outright.

The house itself wasn't why we bought it. We bought it because we absolutely loved the location, knowing from day one that we'd be replacing the existing house with a home that would suit our family for the long term. We have three young children (6, 3 and 15 months), so we're still living in our London flat while the project gets underway.

We spent over a year working through the planning process. The plans were amended, neighbours had the opportunity to comment, objections were considered, and the council ultimately granted planning permission.
Now we're preparing to start, a handful of neighbours have become quite vocal. We've been told we're ruining the street, that the house is too large, and that we should rethink the project altogether.

I completely appreciate that living next to a building site isn't ideal, and we'll do everything we reasonably can to minimise disruption. What I'm struggling with is the feeling that, even though we've followed every rule and obtained permission, some people seem to think we shouldn't build at all.
Part of me also wonders whether some of the resentment is because we're currently based in London. There have been a few comments along the lines of "London people coming here and changing everything."

The irony is that this area is home for me. I grew up here, went to school here, my parents still live here, my grandparents are here, and this is exactly where I always hoped we'd eventually settle to raise our own children. We're not buying it as an investment or a developer's project we genuinely intend to live there for many years.

DH says we should stop worrying about what people think and just focus on our family. I can't help feeling uneasy that we're starting off on the wrong foot with the neighbours, but equally I don't think we should feel guilty for building a home that's been properly approved.

AIBU to think that once planning permission has been been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?

So we need to live in houses that meet with the approval of people who pass when walking their dog? It isn't the dog that's barking.

People, like the OP, should know their place and not get ideas above their station. A 2 bedroom back to back terrace is good enough for us, so who does she think she is building a big house?

I have interacted with more of the criticisms you’re right.

That was related to the idea that our neighbours are going to hate us. They'd be entitled to feel that way if they wanted to, but I honestly don't think theyll have the time or energy to hold onto that. More likely, they'll just choose not to interact with us and get on with their own lives.

We went through all the proper channels, and all of the neighbours were consulted. None of them objected, even though they had every opportunity to do so. That suggests they didn't have any major issues with it. Ironically it seems to be people who don't even live in the same postcode who are the most upset.

I completely understand that seeing your area change isn't ideal, and DH's attitude hasn't helped matters but I think after a while, people will move on to something else. I could be wrong. Apparently there's already another local issue taking everyone's attention according to my mum who seem to keep up with the local FB page.

Exactly. We couldn't even afford to buy the kind of house we wanted in London. That is one of the reasons we bought this place it was a bargain . We know the London market well, and we're simply not the target buyers we weren’t finding anywhere with 0.3-0.5 acres for garden space on a budget so London was far beyond us for the types of properties we want. The houses we've bought there in the past have never had the garden space or land we're looking for and the ones that do are completely out of our budget.

Thank you. All we can do is try our best to be good neighbours throughout all of this. Once everything is finished we'd like to invite the people on our road over for a BBQ if they'd like to come. They can see the house if they're curious. Of course they might dislike us so much by then that they won't want to come

I have read the whole thread. Have you?
She keeps refusing to answer certain questions and keeps dripping things out. Originally they were just oldies, now they're friends of her parents.
Now it's a £2m+ house. I assume she is moving to Windsor or Surrey. Not Milton Keynes.

?? I didn’t say anything was wrong with that people are allowed to live where they’d like to live. I just meant it’s not attached to them in any way shape or form.

I just don’t think these neighbours will be that affected as they never objected during the consultation that they all interacted with and had the opportunity to. We wouldn’t have done it if they objected ?

It was in response to them (direct neighbours) apprently dislike us when we move but we are no where near close to them. It is genuinely quicker for us to drive to the top of their driveway all the way to actually see their house than it is to walk up.

We are a family of 5 at the minute (maybe 6) we wanted a bigger space for us. We are just in a 4 bed flat in London no garden it’s a shared garden, the kids have to go to my mums to play in the garden, paddling pool, trampoline etc. We would like for them to have all that at home, they like swimming especially my eldest he begs us to go swimming, some weeks we take him everyday, so we went to have a swimming pool for the summers and so he can swim as much as he’d like. Nothing wrong with that.

The £2m was in response to them saying the neighbours will hate us. I do not think neighbours who cannot even see our house from theirs will care. They objected during consultation. The neighbours houses are £2m+ ours was not when we bought it, it was originally but we gave a lower offer and it was accepted.

They were just oldies but we found out it my parents do knows them I wouldn’t say friends but enough to have the woman’s phone number but it’s hard to explain all of that over a txt medium I find.

People want to know all the details in regards to the house, it is all available to the public everyone can access it and see the planning application and all the details it’s public information and I just don’t feel comfortable going into all the details. I think that’s fine

We both want to be good neighbours trust me I will try my very best to be a good neighbour, we want to integrate into the community. I would like for my children to have a similar childhood to mine and attend the school I attended and have those experiences. I don’t want to jeopardise that but I also believe we have every right to build a house. We did everything properly, the direct neighbours did not object we would have considered that if they did but they didn’t have any issues they were consulted. We will stick to what we agreed in terms of the plan and go from there.

I will agree with that you’re right I do have a DH problem but I also like to think I know him after 16 years but I guess you never truly know someone. I am not happy with the situation that happened. People seem to think I am or I don’t care etc I do I very much do but it has happened, probably would not have gone that far if I was there but I was not, I had to hear about it. DH has since apologised to the couple face to face, he isn’t happy about it, he’s quite embarrassed but all he can do now is act accordingly and not alienate the contractors. It would be great if none of this happened but it has. What a i meant to do about it now? I’ve spoken to him we are going to get a middle man/woman to help manage everything and to avoid any of this happening. That is the only bad impression we have made, it’s not as though he has gone into the high street and acted out or anything if that sort.

DH personally knows the contractors he chose to get rid of they’re not random people.

As for the couple, they don’t even live on the road, understandably they might not want to see their area change but also to me it seems the people who have an issue aren’t even our neighbours, we don’t even have the same postcode.

I am lost at what to do. Everyone wants to criticise but not really give me suggestions other than say I have a shit husband as if I’m not aware of that based on his actions to the couple. Genuinely all he can do is not act like that again he has been stressed and just needs to take a step back from it all or is there another suggestion that I can’t seem to think of ? If there is let me know.

I was joking. Good luck to you with the build. Ignore all the haters.

or is there another suggestion that I can’t seem to think of ? If there is let me know.
Get him back on his medication.

But the questions you're not answering are affecting people's ability to give you suggestions - real suggestions. It's not worth engaging with those who are here just wanting to put the boot in for whatever reason. It's a waste of your time and energy.

Things like, who are the 6 people your husband has fired make a difference because they help us understand how reasonable he is or isn't being. Things like, how involved with the finances are you help us understand whether he's experiencing some unexpected sticker shock that is putting him under pressure. Time is money is a pretty apt saying - the more people he fires, the slower and more expensive everything will be. Things like how involved in the design were you help us understand whether he's adding in unreasonably complicated pet project bits that are unnecessary. Things like, as architects, do you think your time scale for the build is realistic also help. As an architect, you presumably understand there are things you can share about the build that would put it in context for us without being outing or sharing the full plans...

You keep kind of repeating the same things over and over without giving those of us trying to reply any real context.

People need to stop acting all high and mighty I picked the wrong husband apparently now what? Shall I go pick another? All because of isolated incident. Yes he was rude to the couple, he had apologised what can be done now ? Apart from change and act accordingly.

We have 3 children who he absolutely adores and they adore him too. I truly love and care about him, people do make mistakes, people react in shitty ways sometimes. It’s a shitty situation to be in and we are trying but we cannot go back in time.

If I don’t defend him you say and agree with the responses I’m passive and if I do defend him I’m wrong? Like why even bother interacting with the thread

What a load of tosh. You have no idea if it’s design genius and beautiful replacing a 1950’s concrete monster. You do however sound like you might be a bit angry and resentful.

Thank you. I have thought about suggesting that I also want to respect his choice. I can’t possibly understand his day to day struggles. He went off them because he wasn’t feeling like himself. He has been diagnosed since he was in school and has been on and off the medication consistently.

I want him to go back on them or try new medication

For what it’s worth OP, we have some beautiful new builds in our area, we also have a couple of very discordant, frankly slightly odd choices. I would hope as architects you’d have good taste.

I would ignore the haters. We preserved the facade of our house and we still had loads of hate, people don’t like change and some might say, progress.

What can you do now?

I personally think you need to

1. Decide what you want to do about your pregnancy. Talk to a counsellor or similar if that would help.
2. Take control of the build. Manage the contractors and day to day decisions as, by your husband’s own admission, he’s not coping. Hiring and firing at random isn’t going to help his situation at work or in the community
3. Go around to all your immediate neighbours with some homemade cookies and your phone number to call if there are any issues. There will be issues and it’s better to be on top of them immediately. Maybe share your parents number too if they’re okay with that so someone can come straight away over if there’s a problem.
4. Sit down and talk to your husband. Make a plan on tackling this together as he’s clearly struggling and this should be the easier part.

What do mean 'being referred to as being rude'? He was rude, extremely rude.

I wouldn't have expected you to go round every road, just the houses either side and the house/houses directly behind, who will be most impacted.

Did you take the plans with you, discuss timescales and mitigations, complete PW. You haven't explained what you have proactively done to reduce the impact on your neighbours?

Not to minimise your DH’s behaviour but be careful if he is seriously sleep deprived.

Is yours an area where any comments/objections posted are anonymous? Or freely available to view?

I am trying to be, he does say he is tired. It does not help that we have small children and he makes the most sacrifices so I can get some rest.

I’ve had a discussion with him about it he says he’s okay he’s just needs to catch up and get ahead of work and house plans.

In England you cannot submit an anonymous objection it won’t be taken into account as that’s not representative. Otherwise councils can’t really make their decision if complete anonymity is allowed.

Your email address and phone number are redacted, name and your location will generally always be public unless it’s a safeguarding or harassment concern which has to dealt with but other than that it’s all public.

We have done everything we can, they’re all aware of the plans and we will just continue to re access and try to do as best as we can to avoid anymore issues.

If people within the area are unsure it’s also public and they have our contact details incase they need to contact us. None of the houses near us objected, all objections are public unless there’s a harassment concern or safeguarding to which there’s another process to deal with that and won’t be taken into account.

Thank you :))

I get the disrespectful argument tbh.

It's the OPs money, and she can do what she likes, but there's a certain crassness about buying a nearly £2m house and demolishing it because it's not good enough, with the housing shortage we have.

I'm not jealous that someone is effectively setting fire to £1-2m pounds, it just doesn't sit right with me. Developing the land from scratch, sure, but demolishing a perfectly good house is different.

But she has to live with her moral code, not anyone else's.

Yes but round here it’s the plot that has the value, the house is often old, no cavity wall, no style, post war, leaky box.

Edit to say one of the best renos round here was on an Edwardian beauty, dropping a nice period home would be crass, but we don’t know what OP is doing. You can’t assume all houses are suitable to renovate.

In our borough we can see the comments but not who made them. The council can see who made them, but the applicant cannot. This was a policy change about a year ago,probably to make people feel safer to object

When our neighbours were doing an extension in our previous house in a different borough,we did put in an objection based on structural impact on our home (semi) which was accepted. He then came round shouting and screaming at us that we 'would regret that', and he then made our lives hell, to the point that we moved as soon as we could post covid, accepting a low offer as we were living in fear. DH worked away at times, and when I was on mat leave I didn't feel safe there by myself so took the girls to stay with my parents.

Sometimes not getting objections doesn't always mean people are happy with it, it can mean they are unhappy but scared to speak up for fear of consequences. I would think twice about objecting after our experience.