AIBU to expect neighbours to accept our approved house rebuild plans?

[WarmLimeLurker]

DH and I recently bought what we hope will be our forever home. We were only able to do so because of inheritance DH inherited from his late father, and I'd inherited from my grandfather years ago. I'd kept my inheritance invested for around 12 years, and together we were able to buy the property outright.

The house itself wasn't why we bought it. We bought it because we absolutely loved the location, knowing from day one that we'd be replacing the existing house with a home that would suit our family for the long term. We have three young children (6, 3 and 15 months), so we're still living in our London flat while the project gets underway.

We spent over a year working through the planning process. The plans were amended, neighbours had the opportunity to comment, objections were considered, and the council ultimately granted planning permission.
Now we're preparing to start, a handful of neighbours have become quite vocal. We've been told we're ruining the street, that the house is too large, and that we should rethink the project altogether.

I completely appreciate that living next to a building site isn't ideal, and we'll do everything we reasonably can to minimise disruption. What I'm struggling with is the feeling that, even though we've followed every rule and obtained permission, some people seem to think we shouldn't build at all.
Part of me also wonders whether some of the resentment is because we're currently based in London. There have been a few comments along the lines of "London people coming here and changing everything."

The irony is that this area is home for me. I grew up here, went to school here, my parents still live here, my grandparents are here, and this is exactly where I always hoped we'd eventually settle to raise our own children. We're not buying it as an investment or a developer's project we genuinely intend to live there for many years.

DH says we should stop worrying about what people think and just focus on our family. I can't help feeling uneasy that we're starting off on the wrong foot with the neighbours, but equally I don't think we should feel guilty for building a home that's been properly approved.

AIBU to think that once planning permission has been been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?

If you decide you are going ahead with the pregnancy, please get referred to your local
perinatal mental health team. I have worked as a consultant psychiatrist for many years and a third were spent in perinatal psychiatry. It is much better to get referred early on, so the team is aware, and make plans for medication and support: the sooner the better. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Your situation with your neighbours is not at all the same. You and your husband didn't do anything at all to upset the neighbours except your husband not being white. Your neighbours are obviously massively racist and very unpleasant indeed to ostracise you both in that way and to keep it up for 30 years

OP's husband has done absolutely loads to get their new neighbours backs up. He is arrogant and rude and told an elderly couple to 'fuck off'.

Surely local builders would be cheaper and more reliable. They would have more knowledge of where to source the right materials at the right price. It would also put you in better standing with the locals.

Just don't sack them. You would get a 'reputation'.

I really think you should move to the area, either in a caravan or rented accommodation. It should be cheaper. Why do architects never think of costing jobs?? It would be better for your 6 year old to start a new school in September.

As for the poster who posted about the rat infested house, that is my worst nightmare. I couldn't cope. However, knocking down an old house often disturbs the local rodent population. OP will probably get the blame for that too. One of our favourite pubs had a complete internal renovation. It transpired that rats had quite happily been living under the bar. Everyone had been totally oblivious. Scream emoji needed.

Hi OP, I’m an architect as well. It’s a very tough job and then throw in your own building work into the mix and the feeling that all your design dreams need to be included , the stress levels become massive. I’m not sure if you or your husband are involved with residential architecture normally, but I have found it’s the toughest field add needs a lot of empathy from the Architect and everyone involved to try and make sure everyone can feel they are being listened to.
Just be yourself, talk to the neighbours, let them know you are just normal people and want to bring your family up in your home town, give them your number and tell them any issues please call, check in with them personally every few weeks when you go down. Let them know what’s happening first and when the demolition is happening. This will be very personal to all of them, especially if it was their friends who previously lived in the house and all the associated memories.
make sure builders go round and introduce themselves with you, keep the roads mud free, let neighbours know when they might need to move their cars due to dust etc. really tell them you want to minimize any intrusion into their life as possible.
from a personal point of view it will be really tiring managing all the personalities involved so somewhere in the mix also please take care of yourself .

I'm actually a huge fan of modernist homes but the glass bricks ruin that house for me - probably because they are so very nineties. The rear is stunning. The same architects also designed the Malator "Tellytubby" house in West Wales, which is incredible.

I think new and exciting amidst the old and traditional can work really well. What doesn't work for me is when a megahome is constructed on a plot made for a much smaller residence. But it is all down to personal opinion of what we find attractive, I suppose. I hate the current trend of transforming period semis into grey or white rendered boxes that bear no resemblance to the home they are attached to. It turns a street with a coherent style into one that jars my eyes. But they are increasingly common so I'm probably in the minority.

I still wonder what the OP's plans are for the site. I suspect that the sheer size and impact on neighbours is what is driving local animosity.

It won't age well I suspect.

I'm tired of acres of glass reminds me of American churches. As for cedar or wood effect cladding. That's been done to death.

With our warming country we need to look to hot countries for architectural ways to circulate and cool our homes.

I do get what you're saying. The contractors DH has spoken to are people he's worked with before, so he already knows them and it's made those initial conversations much easier. It honestly isn't about thinking we're above using local people or anything like that. If we find good local trades we'd be more than happy to use them.

We did think about moving there while the build is going on, but it doesn't really work for us. Our eldest has just turned 6 and will be starting Year 2 in September. We've already been looking ahead to Year 3, as that's when we'd be moving him. A lot of the prep schools have a 7+ intake, which is actually a really common entry point, so he won't be the only new child joining.

We visited a few schools, he did the usual assessments and a little chat with the head, and he's now got a confirmed place for September 2027. He's already met some of the other children who'll be starting with him, so it feels like we've got that side of things nicely planned and everything else just needs to work around that.

How much have the plans had to change and how will it change what living in the house is like? Will there be daily reminders of what changed, rooms not the size you wanted etc that will just slowly grind on you and your husband as it's no longer your dream home? I'd be seriously considering building your dream home somewhere else.

Do you really think your new home will be ready to move into in a year's time with all this drama already? Your husband is going to alienate more builders all the time and the local people won't want to work with him after all this. I think you need a plan and a backup plan for when this all goes sideways.

I can tell you are exhausted and overwhelmed - and no judgement from me about your unplanned pregnancy contributing to all this - but your husband has shown several times over that this he is either unwilling or unable to project manage this. You said he would be around the build more often than you - I think you need to reverse this. Can you take a leave of absence from work for a few months to get this off the ground?

I don't think this will happen. They will just be distant.

Having upset the oldies, it is important to cultivate other mums. Please don't upset them. Your children's social life is the most important here.
I have visions of your husband being "that" bloke in the playground. I hope i am wrong.
Tales from our local school playground: everyone avoided the people who transformed a 1930s detached property into a glass monstrosity. Because of the change of style of the house, the people were considered trashy. It was a total eyesore for about 18+ months whilst work was going on.
There were 2 total bullshitting dads, they had fan clubs who used to lap up all their pontificating in the playground. One lived in a barn conversion. The other in a Georgian property which looked posh from outside. It was, in fact, only half a house and was a dump inside.

He won’t be managing it to the same extent he has been. The current contractors are eager to get on with the work so I am hoping and will do my best to keep the relationship with them.

My parents live in the area and have plenty of space, and they’ve very kindly said we’re welcome to stay with them for as long as we need if things aren’t fully ready by the time our eldest starts school. We’re taking it as it comes really but he really likes the school so that will be the main priority when the time comes.

The official plans submitted in the planning application have not changed too much. We had ideas that we did not submit as we were aware this would not be approved.

I do not think there will be daily reminders? not sure what you mean but the council has approved so I doubt there will be any issues with that.

This is a really sad post. It's the little things that make you feel excluded. It's the little things that hurt.

Thankfully, I have always had wonderful neighbours. Only one altercation. But I have had those "little things" in the workplace.

OP you don't want your kids to be the ones that aren't included in playdates etc. You really need to cultivate some good will. You can do this through your children. Tell neighbours how much the kids are looking forward to the new house. You can do this. Send Christmas cards to neighbours, even though you're not Christian, even though you won't be living there at Christmas.

So what are the neighbours - and the ones that spoke to your hands directly, upset about? What is it they want scaled back?

It's very clear today your feel uncomfortable answering that question, which makes it seem that maybe the neighbours have a point.

And this is the man who is the father of your children?

Great role model.

And if he didn't?

You say he has fired people? Do you get a say?

You shouldn't be patient

You should stand up to him

If you don't agree, find your voice

I think it's a shame you can't share the plans or even explain what they are. What was so wrong with the house that's already there? How close will you be to your neighbours? Is the style similar to everyone on the street? How much bigger of a house?

I really struggle to see how this will be built in a year but I have had a string of bad luck with any sort of home improvements so probably colouring my view. My neighbours converted their garage recently and it took 6 months - there were supply issues and then they had to fire their builder and then and then... etc.

I think it's a huge, huge shame that this is how it started. You could have gone round to your neighbours to introduce yourself and share the plans. You could have dropped round a bottle of wine and some earplugs and a list of relevant dates things would be really noisy (to the best of your knowledge). You could have ensured your husband didn't tell the nice old couple to f* off... these are things that are pretty basic. You are way, way on the back foot here and you should try to fix it as soon as possible, not just wait to see what happens next.

I'm assuming your child won't be going to school with the village children anyway so maybe it doesn't really matter for playdates and such, but it's sad to move to a place specifically for community and immediately destroy that same community!

This gets better and better. Not even bringing employment with you (though the way he's behaving probably just as well)

This is so reminiscent of someone

Is your name Trump by any chance?

Also hopefully the build is going to add new innovations for fuel efficiency and have other eco advantages that cancel out the need to demolish an older house, so this could’ve been a great discussion with neighbours - future proofing and sustainability, re-use and reclamation, sensitive planting etc. I would’ve been interested in that and it would’ve softened the blow of the building works.

I agree. She’s refused to answer multiple times whether the plans infringe on any aspect of her neighbours homes. She won’t say and I suspect that’s because it does.

OP, the first thing you need to do is sort out this pregnancy. You need to discuss it with a very close friend or your mum. You need someone in your corner. Please don't discuss it with mumsnet. Just don't. You need to be prepared for husband reaction before discussing your decisions/options with him.

As regards the oldies, they've lived through a lot. They haven't lived under a stone forever. They are probably looking at you and thinking you are very young for such a huge project. They don't know your financial situation

The comments about 'Scaling back' may have been made out of kindly concern. Telling them to Fuck Off sort of confirms that you have taken on a bigger project than you should have done.

I have become somewhat invested in this thread because we renovated our house. Whilst living in it!! I somehow seem to have come from a family of renovators and have quite a few friends who have rebuilt and refurbished.

Can we put the bad feelings behind us and consider a path forwards with the community. Could you join the local fb and introduce yourself on there? Then keep people updated when there's going to be disruption. People can't slag you off if you're a member of the group. A lot of them are probably curious rather than antagonistic.

Are you able to tell us anything about the house which you are demolishing?
Is it victorian? Edwardian? 1930s? 1950s?

I would also be interested in this. Solar panels? Heating efficiencies? Reclaimed materials? Otherwise it's an awful lot of mess and waste to knock down something totally useable.

if I've agreed with the criticism apparently I'm being too passive. If I've defended myself that's wrong too.
I was one of the ones who accused you of being passive.
I wasn't referring to you and the posters on this thread; I was referring to you and your husband. His behaviour has been monstrous and you seem to be very accepting of / passive about it. He has abused neighbours, trades & your family and you have done nothing.
You should have been saying something along the lines of "the house isn't worth the stress you are causing for everybody around you. Either you calm down and behave in a civilised manner, or it's not happening." And mean it.
This definitely has echoes of the Grand Designs Chesil Cliff House where the bloke got such tunnel vision about his dream build that he ended up with a half-finished house but no family.

I was thinking this too. Nearly everyone in our village uses one of 4 building firms who are based in the village. Most people know them and there is a level of trust that they won't be obnoxious loud builders, but as considerate as possible.

Hate to say it, but going to a private school won't help your case either, you will be seen as thinking you are too good for the local school with the local children. In our girlguiding group we have mainly village children, and a couple who attend private school, who come with a very 'imperious' attitude. Needless to say they didn't last long as the other girls very quickly got fed up of being bossed around by these 2.

And thats nothing against private schools, for some children they are extremely helpful, my brother went to one as he struggled in state. But he got a lot of flack from some of the local children for being a 'posho' and a 'snob'.