AIBU to expect neighbours to accept our approved house rebuild plans?

[WarmLimeLurker]

DH and I recently bought what we hope will be our forever home. We were only able to do so because of inheritance DH inherited from his late father, and I'd inherited from my grandfather years ago. I'd kept my inheritance invested for around 12 years, and together we were able to buy the property outright.

The house itself wasn't why we bought it. We bought it because we absolutely loved the location, knowing from day one that we'd be replacing the existing house with a home that would suit our family for the long term. We have three young children (6, 3 and 15 months), so we're still living in our London flat while the project gets underway.

We spent over a year working through the planning process. The plans were amended, neighbours had the opportunity to comment, objections were considered, and the council ultimately granted planning permission.
Now we're preparing to start, a handful of neighbours have become quite vocal. We've been told we're ruining the street, that the house is too large, and that we should rethink the project altogether.

I completely appreciate that living next to a building site isn't ideal, and we'll do everything we reasonably can to minimise disruption. What I'm struggling with is the feeling that, even though we've followed every rule and obtained permission, some people seem to think we shouldn't build at all.
Part of me also wonders whether some of the resentment is because we're currently based in London. There have been a few comments along the lines of "London people coming here and changing everything."

The irony is that this area is home for me. I grew up here, went to school here, my parents still live here, my grandparents are here, and this is exactly where I always hoped we'd eventually settle to raise our own children. We're not buying it as an investment or a developer's project we genuinely intend to live there for many years.

DH says we should stop worrying about what people think and just focus on our family. I can't help feeling uneasy that we're starting off on the wrong foot with the neighbours, but equally I don't think we should feel guilty for building a home that's been properly approved.

AIBU to think that once planning permission has been been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?

Yep. And she has also refused to confirm if they have agreed PW with their neighbours. When our neighbours did building work they cane round to us and showed us their plan, discussed timescale, noise mitigations etc and we agreed PW in person. And we have done the same for the building work we will be undertaking. It's just common courtesy to do so, but it doesn't sound like OP and her DH have done this, or if they have, it's in a very 'tick box' way.

I meant some feature of your dream house, like a big kitchen or nice bathroom or something, that would improve your life but that now you are not getting as you have amended the plans, so every day in your house, you will think about what might have been and therefore either you or your husband will never truly be happy in your new home, because it's not the dream home you spent years designing.

The stuff that they are complaining about is different to what my husband is upset about. The aspects of of it that he upset about (unreleased) were not within the planning application so the people within the area did not have access to that information.

Sorry, I don't mean to be dense, but I'm finding this really confusing. If I'm understanding right, your husband is upset about things he wasn't able to put in the plans because you both understood from the outset that they wouldn't be approved. Your neighbours are upset about the plans that were approved. So he's upset about not being able to do things they don't know about. Am I getting that right? If I am, I guess I'm struggling to really understand what the sticking points are. It might be helpful if you could find a way, without being too outing, to explain?

I'm also a bit confused about who exactly is being fired at this point in the process? Surely he hasn't already burned through six contractors? Can you explain what the points of conflict are/were?

I'm going to bring up finances again. How involved are you with that part of things? I know I mentioned earlier that I saw our builder yesterday. We spent around 2.75 on our renovation which started 7 years ago and he mentioned that it would be at least double that now. I know yours is outside London, but it doesn't sound all that far, and if you're using London contractors, they'll be charging you London rates. Do you think there's a chance he's feeling pressure from costs having spiralled out of control since the idea was conceived?

I'm also wondering about your time frame. I've never heard of a complex build happening in a year, and most architects are pretty realistic about the likelihood of that. Do you think he's feeling super stressed about that?

I think my neighbours would disagree with you. We did do something to upset them. Their reaction is unreasonable but I think people saying things like the neighbours will make the OPs life a misery is just as unreasonable. At the end what will they do? Nasty people won't want to be friends with the OP. Well great why would she want them as friends.

I think neighbours telling him he should alter his plans after he's made alterations to get planning permission was massively unreasonable and although I don't think the swearing was ok I do understand how inappropriate they were and why he lost it.

@alanet @user67584329
I sense the plot is not right for what OP’s DH would like, the location is right for OP so it’s already starting with a compromise.

More so there has been a lot of works within the area, different people so for them to have to deal with another is understandably.

I am not saying neighbours have no right to be upset, they live there too.

We did speak to our immediate neighbours, but we didn’t go round every road speaking to everyone. The couple my husband is being referred to as being rude to are actually friends of my parents and live on a completely different road about 15 minutes away from us.

That said, regardless of where they live, it wasn’t ideal for him to speak to them like that, but they aren’t directly local to us.

I do not fee comfortable sharing our plans, maybe when it is finished but it is accessible to everyone within the area anyone to be honest therefore you are able to have a look online

He’s said there won’t be any more reactions like that from him.

Just to clarify, this couple didn’t actually submit any formal objection. Planning applications are open for public comment and in this case no formal objections were made in that way. The comments were mainly on a local Facebook page and focused more on personal things like our ages, rather than the planning details really from what i have read.

Our local authority did carry out their formal consultation with those directly adjacent to us and asked for their thought and there were objections raised through that official process.

I think that is what is upsetting DH, someone coming up to you but then they did on formally object when they had the opportunity + they do not even live on the same road but that does not excuse the rudeness from him and has certainly not helped us at all.

This gets better. He told your parents' friends to fuck off. I need a gobsmacked emoji.

Do you seriously think your parents are OK with this? They are settled in a community and an uppity son in law arrives from London, throws his weight around, disrupts the area, and tells their friends to fuck off!! This is not ok. He has no manners. He is not polite. I bet your parents are very concerned about what is going on. I bet they're concerned about the project, concerned about you and concerned about the kids

So people who live 15 minutes away are ok to call round and tell him what to do? Yes I'm gobsmacked at the cheek of them.

Of course they weren't happy, and I completely understand that. It also wasn't quite as straightforward as him just saying "fuck off" out of the blue there was more to the conversation than that, but I don't really want to post all of the context on here. He did not just start the conversation by being rude. Regardless of the circumstances though he knows he didn't handle it well and has said himself that he regrets reacting that way.

My parents were a little surprised that this particular couple were asking about the property simply because they live in a different postcode and weren't among the neighbours formally consulted by the council nor did anyone formally object when the application was formally released + they won't be directly affected by the build. That said people are naturally interested in what's happening locally and I appreciate that. I was not there but Dh has since spoken to the couple, maybe they are just being polite but they've spoken.

My dad and DH spend quite a bit of time together doing various things, dh is helping my dad with some DIY stuff and they were at our new property together yesterday so I don't think there's any lasting bad blood, they have known him 16 years and know his character. I am not sure why they need to be concerned for the children or me but I feel as though would have discussed their concerns with me if they had them they haven't yet. They are excited for the house as much as us and are supportive, they know the previous owners of the house we bought and dad is helping out a bit as well and he lives in the area so willing to go and just check in with the contractors, its on his daily walking route for the dogs.

Also, DH is actually from the area himself. He grew up just a few miles away from the house, so although we've been living in London, this is very much home for him too albeit yes he left for uni but continued to play cricket locally more just socially now instead of for the county but has been part of the club for over 25 years now, the same club.

I would be very worried if my daughter was plunging all of her inheritance into a major project. I would be worried if her husband was constantly sacking workmen before they started. We on here haven't seen the plans, we don't know what's entailed, but I would be very concerned if they seemed very elaborate.
I'd be worried regarding the expense and timescale. I'd be worried how a family with 3 kids would cope during this turbulent time. I'd be worrying about the correct time for changing schools. When does your middle child start school?

I would be very concerned and annoyed with regards to a son in law who keeps telling everyone to fuck off, including my friends. I'd be worried about exactly what my daughter had got herself into.

I'd be worried about quite a lot of your decision making. I'd be wondering if you are able to commit to sending 3 kids to private school. I'd be worried that I may have to bail you out in the future.

The worst part of this is that I am not a worrier!!
Everyone on this thread can see issues and pitfalls. But you just sail on regardless. I'm sorry but that's how it seems to me. You do seem very naive.

I'm sure there will be pitfalls, and I'm under no illusion that this is going to be easy but I guess I have come a cross as naïve, i just would rather people think i am silly than jump through hoops. So i am naïve, you do not need to apologise. I just do not need to put every plan and idea and thoughts or context on here I am just here for perspectives.

We've bought and renovated 6 houses together over the course of our marriage including some where we did virtually all of the work ourselves without using contractors, so we're not completely new to renovation. What we haven't done before is a project on this scale for ourselves and a house we intend on living in starting from scratch it's a very different challenge.

I obviously can't post every conversation spreadsheet, budget or contingency plan we've worked through, so I can understand why it might come across as though we're just charging ahead without thinking it through. The reality is we've spent a long time discussing every aspect of it. We know it's a huge undertaking and we're trying to go into it with our eyes open even though I'm sure we'll make LOTS mistakes along the way like anyone else. We will have someone manage (be the middle man/woman)this for us as we are obviously too useless and emotional to do it ourselves.

The children's education is something we've always wanted to ring-fence. Their school fees are already set aside in trusts etc with enough to cover all three of them through to the end of their A-levels, including some wiggle room for future fee increases trust deed and act in the beneficiaries' best interests and for the specific purpose. The trust deed is drafted specifically for their education. We've also put money aside for their university costs and cannot be accessed for anything else the use has to comply with the terms so those funds aren't tied up in the house project. I do care about my children's education and that has always been a priority. My parents will not need to bail us out.

One of the funniest planning objections I saw was when someone applied to demolish an eyesore abandoned years before. A petition was made for the new owner to demolish the property then landscape, put in trees and lawns, bench seats to sit at then the locals would have a little park to sit in. Oh and the council would be responsible for maintenance. No dogs allowed.

That hit the local press.

You don't speak for everyone.

I don't have a huge amount of sympathy for the older couple if they live a few streets away and aren't directly impacted.

I do have a lot of sympathy for the near neighbours. The OP might think they just have to ask the builder to 'minimise disruption' but they normally do whatever suits them once the owner is out of the way.

If you’re ok with spending your life with neighbours that hate you then crack on by all means

I haven't read every single post but it sounds like people are giving you a hard time. Sounds like you and your husband are under a bit of pressure, would love to build a dream home in the place you grew up. Don't really see the problem.

Sounds like people are jealous, on Mumsnet and your neighbours too. Sounds a bit nimby of them to me as it's surely a quite well off area anyway. Just crack on, and leave the dinosaurs in the past. If they are worth being friends with then they won't be too bothered anyway.

Good luck with the build!

I've coped for 30 years, what do you suggest.i do? Divorce DH and marry a white guy?

The nice people will get over it and she doesn't need the other sort

The direct neighbours haven’t had any issues. They were consulted and said crack on and met the ones directly near us/close enough to us.

Personally I think if I’ve bought a house worth over £2m+ and I hated my neighbours who I’m not even really next to. I would just get in with my life.

I don’t think these sorts of people will even think about us they’re too busy or even bother us they do not have to interact with us at all but I could be wrong time will tell.

I’ll update in couple of years maybe it’ll be a nightmare ahaha. It’s not a terraced house, we aren’t anywhere near each other at all it’s quicker for us to drive to the neighbours closest to us than it is to walk.

Read the whole thread, she told us about this right back near the beginning and she says herself she wasn't happy with his reaction.

But they don't even live on the street! And if they felt that strongly about it, why didn't they raise an objection through the appropriate route, that would have made more sense. I am not condoning his response but I appreciate the issue.

Your posts are a bit contradictory and all over the place, OP. It's hard to make head or tail of what's really going on. You engage almost entirely with the posters who are giving you shit and not much with people trying to understand what's going on. I can't tell who you've met or not met, what stage things are at or what the problem is. I wonder if the neighbours (or not really neighbours?) are equally confused.

Personally I think if I’ve bought a house worth over £2m+ and I hated my neighbours who I’m not even really next to. I would just get in with my life.

Not sure who that's related to? The neighbours who aren't complaining, or the non-neighbours who are? And I thought they'd been there a long time, so they haven't recently bought a house. Or do you mean you? I live in central London, all our houses are worth a lot more and I haven't noticed that the price of them seems to have anything to do with relations with your neighbours.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

I haven’t read the whole thing but .:.:

I think you have a DH problem

I’m glad I’m not your neighbour
you clearly have more emotional intelligence than the man you married but I would urge caution as if you think it’s stressful now before you’ve even broken ground imagine what it will be like in 6/8 months when you’re deep in and your husband is causing more issues with relationships in the area.

regardless of whether you went to school locally / your parents are nearby or your grandparents are in the graveyard - being a good neighbour generally means not causing such alot of stress and disruption.

maybe you should buy a beautiful field and make your “forever home” whatever that means - you should also call grand designs as I’m sure you guys would make good TV with all this drama.

The fact that the couple who protested to op's husband live 15 minutes away is important. They aren't neighbors at all, just busybodies!

The fact that the couple who protested to op's husband live 15 minutes away is important. They aren't neighbours at all, just busybodies!
They were on their dog-walking route. OP keeps going on and on about wanting to settle into the community in this town - that includes people who might live all of <sarcasm alert> 15 minutes' walk away. As we have seen, it turns out that these apparent-strangers know her parents. I wonder who else they know, and have mentioned the incident to.

Your posts are a bit contradictory and all over the place, OP
Totally agree.