AIBU to expect neighbours to accept our approved house rebuild plans?

[WarmLimeLurker]

DH and I recently bought what we hope will be our forever home. We were only able to do so because of inheritance DH inherited from his late father, and I'd inherited from my grandfather years ago. I'd kept my inheritance invested for around 12 years, and together we were able to buy the property outright.

The house itself wasn't why we bought it. We bought it because we absolutely loved the location, knowing from day one that we'd be replacing the existing house with a home that would suit our family for the long term. We have three young children (6, 3 and 15 months), so we're still living in our London flat while the project gets underway.

We spent over a year working through the planning process. The plans were amended, neighbours had the opportunity to comment, objections were considered, and the council ultimately granted planning permission.
Now we're preparing to start, a handful of neighbours have become quite vocal. We've been told we're ruining the street, that the house is too large, and that we should rethink the project altogether.

I completely appreciate that living next to a building site isn't ideal, and we'll do everything we reasonably can to minimise disruption. What I'm struggling with is the feeling that, even though we've followed every rule and obtained permission, some people seem to think we shouldn't build at all.
Part of me also wonders whether some of the resentment is because we're currently based in London. There have been a few comments along the lines of "London people coming here and changing everything."

The irony is that this area is home for me. I grew up here, went to school here, my parents still live here, my grandparents are here, and this is exactly where I always hoped we'd eventually settle to raise our own children. We're not buying it as an investment or a developer's project we genuinely intend to live there for many years.

DH says we should stop worrying about what people think and just focus on our family. I can't help feeling uneasy that we're starting off on the wrong foot with the neighbours, but equally I don't think we should feel guilty for building a home that's been properly approved.

AIBU to think that once planning permission has been been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?

I find that really odd. If you'd love to build an extension, build it.

We've just extended our 1930's three bedroom, one bathroom semi into a six bedroom, four bathroom semi. The extra space is amazing and has completely transformed how we live. The pointless dining room and pokey kitchen are gone and we've got a massive open plan family room at the rear of the house. There's so much light and space.

Our adjoining neighbours were very supportive, but the other neighbours were a complete fucking pain. All the other neighbours seem completely fine and just accepted the building work as part of life.

Why shouldn't we improve our home so that it meets our needs? I seriously doubt our problem neighbours would restrict their building works on our account.

The comments about your age sound like jealousy.

As you know, legally you are in the right as the planning process has been followed. I also dont think youre doing anything morally wrong.

Just crack on with your plans and ask your contractors not to engage with anyone about it, and likewise you should just keep any discussion to a minimum. I dont think people see and speak to neighbours that much these days, especially if detached (we certainly don't!)

I don't see digs or insults I see a bit of a snark. E.g., AI response to 'what does you do you boo' mean? See below - it means live your life!!

But I am the one who has to accept being called nasty and have my posts deleted? OK👌

"You do you, boo" means to live your life, make your choices, and be yourself without worrying about the judgment of others.

It is an empowering and affectionate phrase that supports individual autonomy.

"You do you": Do whatever works best for you or suits your personality.
"Boo": A term of endearment, similar to babe, sweetheart, or darling, used for a close friend or romantic partner. Reddit +2

Example:
Friend A: "I know I should probably get a corporate job, but I really want to start my pottery business."
Friend B: "If it makes you happy, go for it.
You do you, boo."
You can learn more about the phrase on the Cambridge Dictionary entry for "you do you" to see formal context on how to use it.

Ridiculous martyrish behaviour. Sacrifice your own enjoyment of your home being as you want because you are putting your neighbours' enjoyment first. You get one life, make the most of it. Nobody is going to be carving it on your gravestone that you never upset your neighbours!

I am wondering what is about the plans that are causing the neighbours to do desperately want things scaled back? To have multiple people complaining online and people approaching the ops family makes me think this isn't some little concern.

The fact that the OP has repeatedly avoided answering that, leads me to think she knows that she'd face criticism if she told us.

They have Planning Permission. The neighbours just need to accept that it's happening. If they're that unhappy, they can move.

I can see why your neighbours are worried, word will have got round that your DH will do 'whatever it takes to get what he wants' and probably think he will show them this attitude too.

We lived next to neighbour like this when they did building work, they seemed scared of him too. Once, when my daughter was poorly, and we had endured banging and crashing into our shared wall for many hours and she was very distressed, and they had worked way beyond the hours agreed in the PWA, I politely went round and asked them if they could please do quieter jobs. They said 'sorry, but he will dock our pay' if we don't finish on time. I said I had no option but to report then to council noise team (who were DH's colleagues) and within 10 mins DH got a call from our neighbour 'shut your b**ch of a wife up or I will shut her up for you'. They weren't even living there but we had to endure it - this is a real bugbear for many people I think. Yes, people are entitled to do building work, but of course they don't want to live in the noise and mess, but they expect others to.

I suggest that, if you are that bothered, that you agree a very generous PWA which has hours less than statutory, such as no noisy, dusty or messy works on weekends, plus other safeguards. People will trust this much more than 'promises' from someone who has already shown themself to be to be aggressive and disrespectful.

A little listening to the neighbours concerns can go a long way. The answer may be 'no' but taking the 'it's legal so tough luck' is combative and rude.

There are things that may have slipped through planning permission but are going to cause neighbours issues.

There's clearly a reason why the op hasn't said (even in broad terms) what their concerns are.

ALL my neighbours massively extended, they've all moved on since.

Perhaps you will too OP, who knows what the future holds? Sounds like you have more important things to worry about at the moment. Good luck.x

@WarmLimeLurker - it’s good that your DH has had some friendly discussion with neighbours. We all fuck up sometimes. As you say, you can’t put back time but you can adjust what you do going forward and show some sensitivity and consideration towards your future neighbours whilst still doing your build. It sounds like you have taken that advice on board. Good luck with it all!

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to interact with the thread especially those who have offered different perspectives and practical ideas for how we can make things easier with the neighbours. There have been some genuinely helpful suggestions that I hadn't considered and I really do appreciate them.

I'm used to posting on here about things like teething, toddlers, or general parenting, so this was very different for me. I genuinely didn't expect it to get anywhere near this amount of attention and I was completely caught off guard by how much traction it got. I thought I'd get a handful of replies read a few different opinions, and that would be the end of it. I certainly wasn't expecting hundreds of people discussing my life, my marriage, and my character. It's been quite overwhelming if I'm honest but then again I chose to post on here.

I also didn't really want to go tooo tooo much into my personal life.

The person ( my husband) I know would never normally snap at an elderly couple like that. He has apologised and he knows he was wrong. He's been under a huge amount of pressure recently barely sleeping, spending late nights in his home office working on designs, drawing, the catching up on actual work he’s paid to do, then getting up with our youngest when he's awake teething. My husband has ADHD and used to take medication but no longer does. Staying up until the early hours completely absorbed in work isn't unusual for him. Being rude to people absolutely is.

That's what's been so upsetting. This isn't the man I've known for the last 16 years. He's passionate and can be intense but never unkind. Seeing this side of him the swearing so much has been difficult for both of us, and if I'm honest, I haven't really known how best to help him or even react. Some of the suggestions on here particularly about having a third party deal with things where possible, have been really helpful and I think that's something we'll seriously consider.

A few people suggested introducing ourselves properly to the neighbours before work starts, and I think that's a really good idea. DH and I are planning to knock on the doors of the houses closest to us and introduce ourselves. The neighbours next door have already spoken to DH and they seemed to get on well enough to give DH their phone number, so hopefully that's a good sign. We'd like to tell people a bit about our plans, ourselves, if they're interested, answer any questions they have and equally ask them about themselves. We want to take an interest in the people we'll be living alongside not just turn up and disappear.

I'm sure some people might not want to speak to us we are technically strangers and that's absolutely their choice. We can't expect everyone to be pleased about the plans either. But hopefully we can at least have a conversation with some of them let them know who we are, explain roughly how the build will work, and reassure them that we'll do everything we reasonably can to keep disruption to a minimum.

We both genuinely want a good relationship with our neighbours. Become part of the community not be the people everyone dreads living next to. We bought this house because we want to spend many years there. We want our children to grow up in the area, make friends and feel like it's home. The last thing either of us wants is to start off on the wrong foot.

If I'm also being honest, I've been struggling myself recently. I posted here partly because I needed somewhere to get my thoughts out. My mental health hasn't been great and I haven't really known how to talk about it.
Recently I found out I'm pregnant. It wasn't planned and I haven't even told my husband yet. Only one friend knows. Since finding out, I've been trying to process how I feel. After our youngest was born I had depression and it was far worse than anything I experienced after my first two children. Part of me is terrified of going through that again and another part of me feels guilty because I worry it's unfair on the three children we already have. I'm still trying to make sense of it all.

None of that excuses anyone's behaviour, but it probably explains why I've come across as a bit overwhelmed throughout this thread or probably not the best.

Anyways thank you to everyone who has contributed or interacted with this thread in any way. Reading so many different viewpoints and perspectives has genuinely helped me, some of them have made me genuinely upset but I did get what I needed which was just an outlet to speak really nothing more just speak without the person interacting knowing me. I didn’t want any drama that’s not me or my personality despite the house plans xxxx

Thanks all 🤗

I can understand using known or recommended builders rather than local
ones that you don’t know. Once you’re living in the area you will be able to get suggestions from other locals.

I can also understand your husband being irritated by neighbours expecting to discuss plans being changed AFTER planning permission is already granted because they don’t like it. While your husband obviously might not have handled it very well, the neighbours were pretty cheeky!

Could you organise so that builders work as quietly and respectfully as they can. Including not parking selfishly and not doing noisy work for hours on end or too early/late?

I'm with your husband on this one. Who the fuck do they think they are to come over and start telling him what to do? They're cheeky fuckers and he was right to put them in their place. Otherwise, they'll think they can boss you both around forever. He's a better man than me for apologising!

@WarmLimeLurker You know what they say about birth, deaths, marriages and house moves being the most stressful life occurrences? Well knocking down and then building your own home will be like that but repeatedly daily for a year at least.

You both may have worked on clients projects before but this is your home and it brings with it an emotional and personal financial element that will not have existed before and it will be way more stressful, I can almost guarantee one of you will be bald by the time its done.

Tempers will flare, normality of life will disappear, decision fatigue will hit, desperation will set in and it will eclipse your world for a while. It already sound like your husband is taking control and getting stressy. Add the kids into the mix and you will be in industrial strength tranquilisers by the end of it.

But hopefully it will be worth it.

Very unfortunate that your DH has shown his true colours. The local council is powerless to stop your plans without very good reason. “Arrogance” and “London-types” are terms which for many of us outside the M25 go hand in hand. It’s likely you wouldn’t be able to afford a similar project within London so why not come and do it in our neighbourhood? Your DH needs to understand that neighbourliness counts for a lot outside London, and it seems likely he’s already burnt bridges here with his attitude. You’ll no doubt proceed, but how might he remedy this situation . . . for your sake?

I would also talk to your parents @WarmLimeLurker as sounds like you are not happy on your marriage esp with dh attitude

they will always be your support

be kind to yourself as well while you navigate what to do with no 4

As someone who has ADHD myself, I absolutely hate when it’s brought out to excuse awful behaviour. Having ADHD does not excuse your DH behaving the way he has towards the neighbours, the tradesmen and even you

You can have ADHD and not be an absolute 🔔🔚

I'm in Melbourne, where demolishing the house is the rule rather than the exception - nine have been demolished then six re-built and two extensively renovated within one hundred yards of my house over the last 12 years. It is deeply unamusing.

The best thing you can do, OP is to look up the local laws about construction noise and adhere to them to the letter.
I would include rubbish disposal, parking, music while you work and strong language by those you contract.

AIBU to think that once planning permission has been been granted, people should accept the decision and let us get on with building our forever home?

YABU.

Yes, you have permission & you've gone through the planning process. You have every right to build your "forever" home (the term "forever home' is twee, but anyway ...) Of course you do.

But you have no right to expect that anyone else appreciates what you're doing, or is supportive. You're going to demolish a standing house & build something bigger. Your neighbours will be subject to noise, dust, and builders parking all over the place. And they don't know you, or what impact this bigger house will have on the neighbourhood.

I'm not saying you shouldn't or can't do what you've planned. But you sound quite entitled to expect that others will fall in with your plans. Just deal with this like an adult. You are not special to your neighbours.

He was at the property with a contractor, walking around and talking through the plans when a local couple walked past with their dog. They asked if he was the new owner he said yes and they started chatting. The couple suggested that we might want to scale the plans back a bit. DH took that badly and in the heat of the moment, essentially told them to fuck off that he'd do what he wanted and if they had a problem they should take it up with the council because everything had already been approved.

Quite the drip feed!

Be a grown up about this, and suck it up. No-one has to like you, and you can't make them.

And you're doing the same on this thread - constant justification and wanting people to agree with you, or sympathise about your horrible neighbours. Just step up and own your decisions.

Oh those lovely Georgian south-of-England yellow brick terrace houses - gracious, great to live in, lovely & light on the street - and then there's the Hauer-King house.

Sometimes modern architecture is worse.

💯

@WarmLimeLurker one thing you can guarantee is that the neighbours will want to see inside your new house when it's done, people are nosey.
So as long as you arrange a meet the neighbours after work has finished I think you'll be fine.
Top tip though, make it an afternoon tea or coffee event, the dc will enjoy it more, meet other dc and people will be sober and less likely to
a) break anything
b) say something inflammatory.

Good luck.

The new neighbours near me did that.

After months of noise, loud music, early morning deliveries waking us, a thug of a builder, vans parked everywhere etc, they thought they could get round us all with a party. Most people were not interested in stroking their egos further.

We moved not long afterwards. Living through all that tainted the village and the enjoyment of my home.

I hope the new buyer of our house did a lot of loud renovations.