AIBU to think the new school WhatsApp mum is overstepping?

[Susan716]

Really weird incident happened my my daughters new school so I wanted some insight and reassurance it’s not a sign of things to come:

We have a WhatsApp group set up from an event in May where all parents are already in and not much activity apart from “did everyone get their forms in” type questions and “does anyone know what clubs the school does” it’s all very casual and parents with older children already at the school have been helpful.

yesterday we found out the form classes our children are in and we met our form teacher in person. Someone in main chat suggested this is a good time to create sub groups for forms and people started posting for example if you are in 7Xyz then join the group. All very friendly and nice till this mum let’s call her Q started ranting and saying “please everyone be patient, when I get home I will sort out” others just questioned that we’re here in person now so easier to set up but her response got very annoyed and said I said be patient. No one else responded on there so I assumed everyone okay with it. I wasn’t bothered right then and thought let her crack on if she wants to take the lead.

after a few hours she created a new community and then sub communities so the new main one for whole of year 7 and then 6 for the forms. She then asked a rep for each form and gave them admin rights, herself too being an admin in EACH form class! She then made it so the community couldn’t post in the main one but had to go though the class admin each time, so I couldn’t just post in the main one I would have to go through my rep who would then post on my behalf!

she then wanted us all to prove we were who we were saying by taking a picture of the name sticker we were given at the event yesterday which has our name, child’s name and form class. I’ll be honest I binned mine and didn’t keep. I was feeling very uncomfortable with all this especially as she kept shouting people down who questioned what she was saying.

I already know 2 mums there as our kids in same primary school so I messaged them and asked what they felt about it all - they just responded vaguely snd not much bother so I thought okay most people don’t care.

Another mum spoke up who I don’t know and questioned why she’s an admin of every sub tutor group when her child is only in one to which lots of people responded saying yes why plus why we can’t post in the main group for all year 7’s. She didn’t do in the way I’m explaining it was more being really nice to her type questioning like she’s scared of her. Q still got upset and said she said she was just trying to help. But I feel it was all rather crazy and wasting everyone’s time. She’s not in my form group thank God. Is this a sign of things to come? DD is my eldest and we’ve had WhatsApp groups in primary but not to this level of craziness! I should avoid Q at all costs and pray our kids don’t become friends yes?

it all feels really bizarre to me like why do all that when it was actually quite simple to do and she made it a million times more complex. Plus why did everyone just go along with it for so long and start posting pictures of their name tags? It’s like one person who I didn’t meet or know suddenly became our leader and everyone went with it. Only when sub group reps realised how much work it will be for them to get each member plus be the go between did one speak up and then it was just really nicey nicey. I really wanted to post how crazy it was but DH stopped me and said don’t do it.

Take yourself out of the WhatsApp groups and live a happy life

The best thing about secondary school is that there is minimal contact with the school and parents! Kids need to learn to work things out for themselves!
Any important info is sent my email and I speak to teachers at parents evening - you don't need anything else.
How are these kids meant to become independent if they still have parents (mostly mums) finding stuff out for them etc.. the mind boggles!

She’s obviously very anxious and overwhelmed!
I would just ask if possible to keep the organisation really simple and could we do a poll perhaps on whether to have form groups with admins etc etc or just one big group where everyone can post. Then go with what the votes say.

Bloody hell, in y7 why are the parents even in touch at all. It’s all a bit weird

Sounds very controlling from someone who likes to be centre of attention! I suspect most of the parents just can't be bothered with the drama and are ignoring, or secretly ranting to their OH like you! I don't blame you at all, seems mad and very OTT, particularly for secondary.

The problem is, commenting will likely create a lot more drama with someone who clearly likes the attention. So any comments about what she has done could end up making things much more complicated for you. Unfortunately, this has very possibly been the situation for things she has done in the past, leading to her thinking she is the 'leader' figure.

I personally would just ignore publicly and rant privately. I am sure after the initial settling in period the groups will become largely redundant as the kids are more independent.

I am 100% in the "wouldn't join a secondary school whatsapp if my life depended on it" camp.

But I think I have an idea of what she's doing/thinking if it's any help.... basically, she probably comes from a crazy primary school like DD's. Where the class whatsapp groups were treated by the school as if the SCHOOL was the administrator, owner and legally responsible for every single post. As a result, it was harder to get onto the original whatsapp group than it was to register to vote or open a new bank account. It also required this level of administration with very careful vetting of every message, which practically required a full time job for someone. Meanwhile if the tone or messages ever drifted even slightly, a firmly worded message woudl be added by the class rep reminding everyone of the school's "rules" for WhatsApp, often followed by a year group wide communication from the school reminding everyone of the "rules" and, on some occassions, an individual parent receiving a call from the school to complain because they had dared to complain on the whatsapp group....

Feel sorry for this woman. She's not going to know what to do with herself when she tries to ingratiate herself with the secondary admin staff who will wonder why this woman is so crazy and obsessed about jumpers and pencil cases when the children are expected to m anage it themselves!

I only just realised there is a Whatsapp group for DC1 (he is just finishing year 8). It's all very informal though and quiet

Someone "formalised" the primary WhatsApp groups last years - so instead of just a class WA group there are now groups for certain events (so you join and then leave when the event it over) and other sub groups - like general chat and general notices etc. So I went from being on x2 groups for x2 DC to now being on about 7. I have muted them all barring the class groups.

I kind of get the intention to streamline the groups by topic but it just all feels a little bit up it's own arse!

Ain’t that the truth!

Our primary school PTA is like this. It’s bonkers. I was stuck with it for a while as I’d committed to helping with the school fete, but now I’m free!

I wouldn’t waste time trying to reason with this sort of person. I would just back away, quietly and politely!

Gosh we had one like this when mine were at primary. I’m outing myself here but she was known as Nut Eclair which was a corruption of Nutty Claire. We just left her to it, and off she went to organise everyone and everything. She was a civil servant before she had the kids, in a v dry but high ranking position and I think she tried to run everything else with the same efficiency of a cabinet secretary.

I don't really understand the point of any of it. I would take the numbers you need and leave.

Just because your child is in the same form as a certain group of people doesn't mean there going to be in every single lesson together, in fact they will be in lessons with other people from different forms so the whole exercise sounds pointless. And a whole year group one would tip me over the edge.

This is so similar to when one of my children joined secondary school. The WhatsApp drama was insane. It ended with the controlling Queen Bee mum turning off posting rights to anyone who wasn’t admin! Mental. I left all the groups and told my child they’d better be organised themselves as I haven’t got time WhatsApp drama!

Do not get involved, she is batshit.
Archive her number and do not reply to her.
You have zero need to be involved with such a controlling loon.

If you know her childs name, tell your child to avoid.

Almost play-by-play this is what happened in my DD’s year WhatsApp - there is one particularly nutty one who messed around a couple of hundred parents. It’s exhausting. She also has a full-time job. I don’t know how she finds the time to play whatsapp wars. She is also one to pose random questions and reply all “thanks” when there are 177 people on the main year chat.

Many parents have now told the school they don’t use the form rep / class WhatsApp comms stream so we’re back to getting much more detailed emails (private school if that makes any difference - possibly attracts more nutty over involved controlling parents but I don’t have a comparison!)

She’s a control freak. Mute the group. Make a smaller one with the mum’s you actually know.

As a side note, from what I can tell, if you do join the class whatsapp, i tjust becomes a source of anxiety. "Petie didn't tell me that he needed a new ruler and he tells me Mrs Smith is very strict - will he get detention" which then causes everyone to spiral or "Annie is complaining that Mrs Jones picks on her, has anyone else's child noticed this?" or similar.

Avoid avoid avoid.

It seems like a lot of work for her. If you wanted sub groups why not just set them up separately when the new classes start, she probably assume that you expected her to do it.
I wouldn’t be the admin for all the money in the world, cut her some slack as someone has to be the donkey, the fall guy.
I am not in the watsapp group. We have a school app for information.

DD's year group was made up by 240 girls, with each of the 8 forms in 4 different houses and they only interacted within their own house, so max 60 girls she could theoretically interact with. They had different time tables, different set ups for food tech/trips/lab time and PE. So general chat would have been really difficult.

When DD joined Y7 she was one of 20 girls from her primary school. I think she only really interacted with the ones in her house, so 5 or 6 of them, I think she didn't even saw most of them on a daily basis.

There was a general parent of XX school FB group which was a bit handy if you had general questions and parents with older children helped out with information. But that was maybe posted in a couple of time a month.

Just let her crack on. 😂 No one will use these groups after about December and you will get to watch her melt down when all her efforts are for nothing.

I’m in a couple of minds about this. I have children in two different schools and this is the set up in my daughter’s school - except anyone can post on the whole year group one. It does sound as though this woman has not gone about this in a particularly charming way (and you do need to be charming when you do stuff like this). I am not surprised that the reps have realised that they are not up for the role - it effectively makes them PA to 60+ parents.

In my son’s school there is one group for the whole of the year so it means that a couple of hundred people get the “Are the boys back to normal uniform on Monday?” questions.

When my oldest niece started senior school, the school asked the parents not to volunteer stuff like what days they need games kit on the group - because it was up to the children to organise themselves. They need to learn the habit of checking what they need in year 7. As this stuff made up the bulk of the chat, I expect the WhatsApp groups were fairly quiet.

As others have said it won't get used so don't worry about it.

That sounds crazy tbh. My youngest is now in year 10 about to go in Year 11 she’s the first one I’ve been in a Whats App group for since she started yr 7 and we do have a what’s app year group and we also have a form what’s app group and no one ever posts in there just the main year group but you don’t really need one in secondary I never had it for my eldest and second eldest at their schools

She sounds a nutter

im class rep and set up our groups over the years

but for the one class dd is in

not the other 2. We are a 3 class entry year

why she feels she needs to be admin on the others and get messages about stuff that’s nothing to do with her child is beyond me

does she have no life ?

all the parents can post in our class group

In high school parents should not be micromanaging their children. No wonder so many have issues with anxiety. Step away from the group !

I don’t know a single parent in secondary school. WhatsApp groups not a thing at all where I am.

Lol..I've had ny fill of PTA's,...there's always a couple of..shall we say "stalwarts" that want to dictate to everyone else. I guess this is akin.
I'm not inclined to play that game and told them so.
I worked my ass off for PTA..scrounged everywhere, got the funding, prizes for auction etc....but the "stalwarts" wanted the thanks and reward.
I wasn't doing it for thanks, it's a thankless task..I was doing it for my childrens school..but some spoiled it for everyone, created problems where there weren't any.
I suggest doing your own thing, perhaps with or without a handful of others.